The Dilemma(38)

I check the time; it’s almost six. I’m dying to see the garden but I need to wait until Josh tells me I can. He and Max have been hard at it since they came back from dropping off Murphy. Adam should be down soon, so we’ll be able to see it together. He had the longest shower he’s ever had in his life, judging by the length of time the water was running for, trying to wash away his migraine, maybe.

There’s the sound of footsteps on the stairs and I go out to the hall. When Adam sees me, he comes to a stop and just stands there, halfway down the stairs. It’s as if he’s looking at me, thinking – OK, this is it, the evening Liv has been waiting for forever, so I better get it right. And I want to tell him that he’s got it exactly right, that dressed in his beige chinos and white shirt, he’s perfect. He’s filled out since I married him, and is in amazing shape thanks to the fact that he never gets much of a chance to sit down. He’s forgotten to shave, but I don’t mind.

He comes the rest of the way down the stairs and takes my hands in his.

‘Livia.’ I can see from the way he’s looking at me and from the way he’s called me Livia that he’s feeling a bit emotional and I know he’s going to tell me that he loves me.

‘Mum! You can come out now!’ Josh calls from the garden.

Excitement surges through me. ‘I love you too,’ I say, kissing Adam softly. ‘Thank you for making me the happiest person in the world.’ I pull him towards the door. ‘Come on, Josh needs us.’





6 P.M. – 7 P.M.





Adam


I let Liv lead me into the garden. As we walk out onto the terrace the evening sun, still high in the sky, sears my eyes. What am I doing, letting her take me out here? I need to tell her, I need to tell her about Marnie. I’d been ready to, I’d prepared myself mentally. But Josh had interrupted us and before I could say anything else, she told me she loved me too. Why had she said that? Had she really believed I was going to tell her that I loved her? Or had some sixth sense told her I was going to say something that she wouldn’t want to hear?

She said I’d made her the happiest person in the world. Now, as we step onto the lawn, that’s exactly how she looks. She turns slowly, taking everything in, and I’m glad that Max is filming her because one day, if the worst has happened and – I can’t bear to think about it – Marnie was on the flight, I’ll want to look back and remember how happy she was at this moment in time. The words resonate through my brain – how happy she was – and my heart breaks. I have to tell her before she gets carried away. There’s no way this party can happen.

‘Livia,’ I say again.

‘I know,’ she says, turning to look at me, her eyes shining. ‘It’s beautiful!’

I catch her hand, pull her towards me, fold her into my arms. But she turns so that she’s facing the garden, her back warm against my chest.

‘It’s so much more than I imagined,’ she says. ‘Haven’t we got the best children in the world? Have you seen what Josh has done? Over there on the fence?’

I hadn’t really taken in anything when we’d come up the steps onto the lawn. I was aware of the lights and flowers and balloons but it massed together in a blur. All my senses are affected, I realise. Livia’s voice seems to come from a long way off and I can barely feel the touch of her hand as she pulls me towards the fence. The air must be heavy with the scent of her roses but I smell nothing, except my fear.

We reach the fence and my whole world shatters. I drop Livia’s hand and move clumsily away from her. There are photos of Marnie everywhere – photos of her as a baby, at school, in the garden, on holiday, in Hong Kong, photos I’ve never seen before – tacked all the way along the fence. And above, a sign saying ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUM!’

Fortunately, Livia mistakes the breath I take.

‘I know, isn’t it amazing?’ she says.

I close my eyes and Marnie’s voice rings out, Happy birthday, Mum! She sounds so close that if I reached out, I could touch her.

Josh comes over and puts an arm around each of us, drawing me in. For one terrible second, I want to lay my head on his shoulder and weep.

‘So,’ he says. ‘What do you think?’

‘Wonderful.’ I can’t bear to look. I keep my eyes fixed above fence-level and try to focus on the chance that Marnie is still alive.

‘I think it’s the best thing ever!’ Livia says, hugging him. ‘Thank you so much, Josh. You’ve gone to a lot of trouble.’

‘It was Marnie’s idea; it’s her present to you.’

‘I couldn’t have asked for anything better. I remember taking that photo,’ she says, pointing. ‘And that one of her in her Star Wars outfit. Where did you get them?’

‘Marnie gave me most of them, others I got from your albums. I took photos of the photos and had them enlarged.’

‘I wish I could tell her how much I love it.’ She turns to me. ‘Shall I try and call her?’

‘No!’ Aware that I spoke too fast, I try to speak more reasonably. ‘It’s the middle of the night for her and anyway, didn’t she say that she was going to revise where there wasn’t any wi-fi, so that she wouldn’t be disturbed?’