The Dilemma(33)

She reaches for my hand. ‘I want to remember this moment forever,’ she says softly. ‘You, me, Josh, the party. And Marnie, of course.’

Marnie. How could I have forgotten, even for a second? If only I knew for sure that she was safe. Livia has her eyes closed, her face tilted towards the sun. I take my phone from my pocket and give it a quick glance.

Nothing.





Livia


‘Isn’t this lovely?’ I murmur.

Adam doesn’t answer so I turn my head and squint in his direction to check he’s alright. His eyes are closed and I realise from the tautness in his face that he lied about his migraine having gone. I’m glad he didn’t probe too much about Jess. I know he’s wondering what’s going on, why I no longer see her as much as I used to. I’ve told him that we need to widen our circle of friends, but he doesn’t know why, he doesn’t know that I’m preparing for the future.

My friends have always been more important to me than they are to most people, because I don’t have any family. I’ve always considered Jess and Kirin as the sisters I’ve never had, and Nelson and Rob as my brothers. But I know how fragile the future is; I know that very soon, everything is going to change. It’s why, every time I’m with Jess, my heart breaks a little bit more.

She looked so frail today. Maybe I should send her a text, tell her that I’ll understand if she prefers to stay at home and rest tonight. The rush of relief I feel, that she might not be up to coming to the party, makes me hate myself. I couldn’t do that to Jess, she’d be so hurt if I suggested she didn’t come. She knows that I know she wouldn’t miss my party for the world, even if she has to be carried here.

Max is another person I could do without tonight. It was awkward back there. I haven’t seen him for a while so I thought he might have forgotten that since October, I’ve barely been speaking to him. I thought that if I behaved towards him as I used to, everything would go back to normal. But it doesn’t work like that. He must be so confused. The thought of all the explaining I’m going to have to do is depressing.

I grope for my glass and take a sip of now-warm champagne. Marnie has a lot to answer for. It was such a relief to hear her sounding happier back in October, when she called to tell me that she didn’t want Max to go and see her, and it carried her all the way through Christmas and into January. But when February came, she seemed depressed again. Adam thought it was because she’d just worked out that she wouldn’t be able to come home for my party, and he suggested I went to Hong Kong to see her. I spoke to work about it and we agreed that the best time for me to go would be at the beginning of April.

But before I could tell Marnie, she FaceTimed me. She was sitting on a bench outside her university building, her sunglasses perched on her head. I could see the glass entrance doors behind her and students coming through them, some carrying books, their bags slung over their shoulders. I loved it when I got these glimpses of her life in Hong Kong, instead of views of her bedroom wall.

‘Mum, guess what? Cleo is coming to see me!’

‘That’s wonderful!’ I said, relieved to see her upbeat again. ‘When?’

‘April, for her birthday. Rob is bringing her because Jess doesn’t want her coming on her own.’

‘That’s funny, I saw Jess a few days ago and she didn’t mention it.’

‘That’s because she and Rob have only just thought of it. It’s going to be Cleo’s birthday present.’

‘Wow, that’s nice of them.’

‘I know, I can’t wait!’

‘Good job I didn’t book my ticket, then,’ I said, smiling at her excitement.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I was thinking of coming to see you.’

‘Really? When?’

‘I was going to come at the beginning of April. But now that you have Cleo and Rob coming, maybe I should come in May instead.’

‘Mum, you don’t need to come, honestly. I mean, it’ll be lovely if you do and I’d love to see you, of course, but once Cleo and Rob leave, it’ll only be a couple of months until I come home.’

‘I’m sorry you haven’t enjoyed your year in Hong Kong more,’ I said.

‘I have enjoyed it,’ she insisted. ‘It’s just that it’s a long way from everyone.’ She hesitated. ‘It hasn’t been easy.’

‘I know,’ I said, understanding that she was referring to the break-up. ‘But it would have been harder if you’d been in England. Distance is a great leveller.’

‘You’re right there,’ she said. ‘It is.’

When Adam came back from seeing Nelson, I told him I probably wouldn’t be going to Hong Kong after all.

‘Jess and Rob are buying Cleo a ticket for her birthday and there’s no point both of us going in April. Did you know about it? Cleo’s birthday present?’

‘Yes, Rob mentioned it to Nelson in the pub just now. They thought of it a while back but Jess was worried about Cleo going on her own, which is why Rob is going with her.’

‘She’ll only have to make the journey by herself,’ I protested. ‘She’ll have Marnie once she arrives.’

Remembering that conversation, I turn my head towards Adam. I’m sure he knows I’m looking at him and is keeping his eyes closed so that he doesn’t have to talk to me. The party’s going to be a nightmare for him if he’s not feeling well. I should have cancelled it weeks ago. And when I tell Adam what I need to tell him, he’s not going to understand why I didn’t. He’s going to think that I wanted my party to go ahead no matter what. He won’t understand that I wanted to preserve him for as long as possible, before his world falls apart.