The Dilemma(29)

‘Which is why it’s important to tell Nelson that you’re pregnant,’ I remind her.

‘I’m going to, as soon as I get home.’ The car grinds to a halt again and she reaches for the radio. ‘I’ll put on some music, I’m sure there’ll be something to send you to sleep. You may as well have a bit of nap before the party. There’s nothing last-minute to do, is there?’

‘No, and if there is, Josh and Max are there.’

‘Relax, then.’

But although I want to, the mention of Max means that I can’t. I don’t know when I first began to suspect that he was the father of Marnie’s baby but it was probably when she called me from Hong Kong last October to tell me that he wanted to go and see her – and that she didn’t want him to.

‘Why not?’ I asked, because she’s always loved Max.

‘Because he wants to come in December and I’ll be too busy working on my assignment to be able to show him around.’

‘I’m sure he won’t mind doing some sightseeing on his own while you’re studying,’ I said, taking her objections at face value.

‘That’s what he said. So, I’m going to tell him I’m going away with friends. It’s not true but will you back me up, Mum? If Max mentions to you that he wants to come and see me in December, will you tell him that I’m going away?’

‘Well,’ I began doubtfully. ‘I’m not sure it’s a good thing to lie to him. Anyway, wouldn’t it cheer you up to see him?’

‘I’m fine now.’

She did seem more upbeat, which was a relief. It had been horrible waving her off to Hong Kong just six weeks after her miscarriage. I’d offered to go with her but she hadn’t wanted me to. Although she wouldn’t talk about it, the break-up with her baby’s father had hit her hard. Sometimes, when I passed her room, I’d hear her crying and knock tentatively on her door. She never told me to go away, so I’d go in and sit with my arms around her, not saying anything, just holding her.

‘Really? Are you really feeling better?’ I asked, mentally crossing my fingers, because there’s nothing worse than knowing your child is hurting but being too far away to give her a hug.

‘Yes. So, will you back me up? Please, Mum. I don’t want Max here.’

I couldn’t see her face because she’d audio-called, rather than video-called as she usually did, and suddenly everything fell into place. She had audio-called exactly so that I couldn’t see her face, so that I wouldn’t be able to see the look on it when she spoke about Max, her almost-brother, who was so much part of our family that for Marnie to be in a relationship with him would be – well, unhealthy. Everything fitted, I realised. She was at university in Durham, he was in his fourth year at Newcastle, twenty minutes away, and I remembered how persuasive he’d been when she had to decide between Durham and Edinburgh, where Adam would have liked her to go.

‘If you’re in Durham, I’ll be near you,’ Max had told her. ‘I’ll be able to look after you.’

And she had laughed and replied, ‘I won’t need looking after. But it will be lovely to have you around.’

I’d been making a salad while I talked to Marnie on loudspeaker, but I left the sink, took my phone over to the table and sat down heavily.

‘Marnie,’ I began, wanting to know if I was right. But maybe she sensed that I’d guessed and cut me off quickly.

‘Just back me up, Mum,’ she pleaded.

I never did finish making the salad. When Adam got home from his ride to the coast and found me staring into space, he took over.

‘You look worried,’ he said, throwing me a glance. ‘Is everything alright?’

‘Marnie phoned.’

‘Oh.’ His face fell. ‘It’s a shame I missed her. How is she?’

‘Fine,’ I said automatically because I’d just realised something else, which was that Marnie never normally phoned on a Sunday morning because she knew Adam would be out. If she had chosen to phone this morning, it was because she hadn’t wanted her dad to hear her asking me to dissuade Max from going to see her.

‘What was her news?’

‘Nothing much.’ He waited, wanting more. ‘Max wants to go and see her in December but she’s going away with friends,’ I said, aware that I was already lying for her.

‘That’s a shame, it would have done her good to see Max. I never expected her to be so homesick, not after four months.’

Because he didn’t know about Marnie’s miscarriage, or her broken relationship, Adam had always put Marnie’s low spirits down to her missing everyone.

‘She was more cheerful this time,’ I told him, wishing I could confide in him, wishing I could ask him if he thought it was possible that Marnie and Max had been in a relationship. But if I started that conversation, I’d end up telling him about the miscarriage and I didn’t want to break Marnie’s confidence. I turned it over and over in my mind, remembering how determined she’d been that Josh shouldn’t know about the baby. I’d understood why she hadn’t wanted Adam to know – she’d have been worried he’d be disappointed in her – but she and Josh were so close they told each other everything. If she hadn’t wanted him to know, it was because she didn’t want to tell him who the father of her baby was. And unlike me, Josh would have insisted on knowing.