The Dilemma(27)

‘I’m sure there are plenty of students who’d be willing to take my place,’ she said, pushing at the potato.

‘Are you serious, Marnie? Do you really not want to go?’

‘I don’t know. It’s just that I’m enjoying uni so much.’

Even though her head was bent over her plate, I saw her cheeks flush and wondered if she had a new boyfriend. But Marnie had never been shy about introducing boys she was dating to us, so I really did think it was a case of cold feet – until I was sitting next to her in the hospital.

‘How are you feeling?’ I asked.

‘Tired. Sad.’ She looked at me and there was so much pain in her eyes that my throat closed. ‘Relieved,’ she added guiltily.

‘Had you been feeling ill for a while?’

She shook her head. ‘No. I meant relieved because now I don’t have to make a decision. I don’t think I’d have been able to keep the baby.’ Her eyes filled with tears. ‘I know that’s an awful thing for you to have to hear when you kept Josh. But you had Dad. I wouldn’t have had anyone.’

‘You would have had us, you’ll always have us,’ I told her gently. ‘We would never have tried to persuade you one way or another, just made sure you knew what your options were.’ I hesitated. ‘The father – did he know you were pregnant?’

She nodded, spilling tears from her eyes. ‘Yes. But he made me understand that I wouldn’t be able to keep the baby, that it wasn’t the right time for us.’

‘I’m so sorry, Marnie. How did you feel when he told you that?’

She plucked at the sheet, desperately trying to hold back the tears. ‘Gutted. I didn’t want to have an abortion but I knew he was right in what he said. I know it worked out for you and Dad but it wouldn’t have worked out for us. Not just now, anyway.’

‘Is that why you weren’t sure about going to Hong Kong? Because you didn’t want to leave him?’

‘Yes.’

‘And now?’

‘I think it’s good that I’m going. Our relationship – it’s not healthy.’

‘Is he at university with you?’

‘Please don’t ask me about him, Mum. It’s over now, anyway. If it hadn’t been for this,’ she looked down at herself lying in the hospital bed, ‘you wouldn’t have been any wiser. But thank you, thank you for being here with me.’

We had to wait until she could be discharged and while we waited, she slept. And while she slept I wondered about the father. Her reluctance to tell me anything about him except that their relationship was unhealthy had my brain whirring. The only thing I could think was that she’d become involved with one of her tutors. Marnie was more beautiful than she knew, with her grey eyes, alabaster skin and hair the colour of autumn leaves with a natural wave I would have given anything for. I felt so upset for her, and mad at him for preying on a young girl. How dare he? It was her first year at university, her first year away from home.

Her other comment, that their relationship wouldn’t have worked out – not just now, anyway – made me feel I was on the right track. I built a picture of him in my mind, a thirtysomething year old, married with children, and wanted to kill him. I was dismayed that Marnie had allowed herself to become involved with someone who wasn’t free. I reminded myself that I didn’t know if this was the case; maybe the father of her child was a fellow student. But if that was true, she’d have had no reason not to tell me. It was the little she’d told me that made me uneasy.

I was desperate to speak to Adam but I didn’t want to leave Marnie while she was sleeping. I also wanted to check with her that she was alright with Adam knowing about her miscarriage.

‘No!’ she said forcefully when I asked. ‘I don’t want him to know. Nor Josh. Please don’t tell them, Mum. I don’t want either of them to know.’

I respected her wishes, but it was hard. I hated keeping something so monumental from Adam and it was difficult not being able to confide in him. I kept wondering about the grandchild we might have had if Marnie hadn’t had a miscarriage and had decided to keep the baby. I knew it was a useless exercise, thinking about something that would never have been, but at twelve weeks pregnant Marnie would soon have had to make that decision. And I couldn’t be sure that she’d have gone ahead with an abortion. It wasn’t something I felt I could ask her, so I mourned in secret for the baby that might have been born if things had been different.

Although I hated that I was judging Marnie, part of me was stunned that she’d embarked on a relationship with someone who presumably had a partner, and maybe children. I blamed myself. I’d never actually warned her not to have an affair with someone who wasn’t free, as it didn’t occur to me that she’d ever do such a thing. It was something I thought she’d instinctively know was morally wrong. I felt I’d failed as a mother, that it was my fault she’d had to go through the trauma of a miscarriage.

Over the next few days, I spent hours on the internet, trawling through photos of the faculty at her university, wondering if I’d be able to spot the man who had captured my daughter’s heart, then treated her so casually. There were barely any who looked under thirty; most seemed in their forties, twice Marnie’s age, which supported my feeling that she’d been taken advantage of. I reminded myself that Marnie could be just as much to blame, that she might have chased him. But it didn’t make me feel any better.