The Dilemma(44)

It was strange, that moment on the terrace with Adam, when we were waiting for everyone to arrive. There was a sort of gap, a moment in time when nothing was happening and there was nothing to do. A moment when Adam and I ran out of words. A moment where it seemed as if the world had stopped turning and we were suspended in time, waiting for it to move on.

I see Kirin waving and go over, lifting my hem as I walk.

‘I told him,’ she says, smiling. She takes a glass of juice from a passing tray and I do the same. I will have alcohol, but later, once everyone has arrived. ‘I told Nelson I was pregnant.’

‘How did he take it?’

‘Well, after I resuscitated him he seemed OK. Dazed, but OK.’ She sweeps her arm around the garden. ‘This is beautiful, Liv.’

‘I know, and it’s all down to Josh and Max. They’ve done a fantastic job. I can’t wait until it gets dark, it’s going to look amazing.’

‘So, was it worth the wait?’ The sound of Jess’s voice behind me makes my heart start hammering, terrified that Rob will be standing next to her. I turn slowly, giving myself time, wondering if I’m going to be able to hold it together.

Relief at finding Jess on her own brings tears to my eyes.

‘Yes,’ I say, blinking them back. ‘It was worth the wait.’

Jess takes my tears as tears of happiness, that at last I’m having my ‘big day’, and gives me a hug. ‘You look beautiful!’

‘Not too much like a bride?’

‘Not at all.’

I peer over her shoulder. ‘Where’s Cleo?’ I ask, looking for Rob at the same time.

‘Talking to Josh and Max.’

‘Oh yes, I can see her. I’ll catch her later. By the way, did either of you pick up my phone at the spa?’

‘I didn’t,’ says Kirin.

‘Me neither.’ Jess looks worried. ‘Why, have you lost it?’

‘I don’t know, it’s not in my bag so I thought I must have left it on the table when we were having lunch.’

‘Do you want me to phone them?’ Kirin asks. ‘Oh – I can’t, Adam’s confiscated our phones.’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll call them tomorrow.’ I turn to Jess. ‘Shall I get you a chair?’

She gives me a grateful smile. ‘I’m fine for now.’

‘Have you seen the photos of Marnie?’ Kirin asks her.

‘Not yet.’

Out of the corner of my eye I see Rob approaching.

‘Oh look, there’s Izzy!’ I say, ducking away. ‘Sorry, I need to go and say hello.’

I have a hug and a catch-up with Izzy, who wants to go and make sure the caterers are doing their job. I tell her that everything is under control but Izzy loves organising everyone and manages to do it without causing offence.

‘Have you heard from Marnie?’ she asks, reaching out and taking a canapé from a passing tray.

‘Yes, I got a message from her this morning. And she sent me some lovely yellow roses.’

‘The ones in the kitchen? They’re beautiful! I can’t wait to see her when she comes back, I miss my favourite niece.’

I smile, because Marnie is her only niece. Izzy and Ian can’t have children, so Marnie is hugely important to them. Since she was old enough to hold a teacup, Izzy has taken Marnie for afternoon tea in London for every birthday, trying a different hotel each year and rating them afterwards according to the quality of the scones, the freshness of the sandwiches and the variety of cakes.

‘You should go and see the photos,’ I say, pointing to the fence. ‘There’s one of you holding her just after she was born.’

‘I’m glad I’m in at least one of them!’

I had such mixed emotions when I saw the photos earlier. Delight and pride, of course, but also a slight dismay that there were some I couldn’t remember. I couldn’t remember if I’d taken them or if they’d been taken by someone else, where they’d been taken, why they’d been taken. The one where she’s wearing her school uniform, what occasion was that to mark – a first day back at school, an end of term event, or simply because she’d looked cute that morning? And the one on the beach – where, when, why? I was haunted by the memories the photos didn’t bring back – and haunted by the innocence of them. And disbelief that Marnie, my beautiful Marnie, could do what she’s done.

I’d been proud of the way that, during her calls to us, she would always ask how Jess was doing, and how she was managing her symptoms. But after what Kirin told me earlier today, about Rob being in denial, about the way he insists to Nelson that Jess is still independent, I have a horrible sense of foreboding. What if the real reason Marnie is coming back at the end of the month is not just to see Rob, but because he’s planning to leave Jess and she wants to be here to secretly support him through it?

Izzy leaves to look at the photos and, after checking that Rob is nowhere near me, I look down towards the terrace to see if anyone else has arrived. I know it’s not logical, not when I haven’t seen them for over twenty years, not when they didn’t reply to the invitation I sent them, or send me a card, but I can’t let go of the faint hope that my parents will turn up. But there’s only Adam, his head bent over something which I suspect is his mobile. He looks so forlorn standing there on his own that I’m suddenly overwhelmed by a weird feeling of displacement, that we aren’t where we should be, that everything going on around us is wrong. I want to shout at Josh to stop the music, to turn off the lights, to tell everyone that there’s been a terrible mistake and could they please go home. But Jeannie and Mike are coming up the steps, their faces lit with smiles, and the feeling passes as quickly as it came.