Indefinite (Salvation #6)
Corinne Michaels
Dedication
To my 9 girls. May everyone in this world know a friendship like ours.
1
Quinn
“What do you want from me?” I ask Ashton as she’s tossing her clothes into her bag. “Apparently, I can’t figure out what it is! I’m trying, but it still is not good enough! Don’t you see that?”
“Trying? How are you trying?”
We stand in my bedroom, back at square one. “I’m not doing a full four years—just the one!”
My team is deploying, and they’re down a few bodies. I can’t be the asshole who decides that now is the time to turn in my gear. I know that was the plan, but things change. Plus, I’m not ready to walk away. I need to be there, need to command and lead my team. There aren’t many snipers with my experience, and I can’t handle the thought of someone dying because I’m not there.
Her anger is palpable as she uses more force than necessary to pack. “And then what? After that, what excuse will it be then?”
“I don’t know.”
I don’t even bother trying to lie because there will be another one. The truth is that being a SEAL is who I am. I’m not ready to hang up my boots.
“Right. Because you’re not going to walk away, and you’re not going to keep your promises to me. Because it’s not about us or me. It’s about you and your career.”
I groan and start to pace. “What would you rather me do? Let the team be vulnerable?”
She shakes her head. “That isn’t the point, Quinn. It’s that you have had me in this waiting game for years! Years of you saying that once you were out of the navy, we’d start a family. We’d have everything. You were the one who put this on a timeline, not me.” Ashton takes a few steps closer. “I would’ve married you two years ago and been pregnant already, but you said you wanted to wait.”
Here we go. Right back to how I’m the one who’s wasting her time, and maybe I am, but I’m sick and tired of it all falling on me. “I always let you down, right? I’m the bad guy because I didn’t want to start a life when, at any moment, you could deal with the knock on the door. God for-fucking-bid I protect you from that level of pain. I’m the reason, right? Not that you can’t understand why I’m not ready to give it up or that I will never get married while I’m active. I’ve seen that side, and it’ll destroy us.”
She turns, laughs once, and then goes back to packing. “I knew this would happen. I trust you, let you back in, and think that things are finally going to change, only to be reminded that it’s not possible! You act like you’re protecting me, but we both know that’s a lie. It’s you! You are who you’re protecting! Not me. And don’t worry about the destruction, Quinn, the navy didn’t have a hand in that.”
I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired of this. I’ve done just about everything she’s asked except put a ring on her finger. Why? Because I’m not good enough for her. I will never be. She is smart, funny, drop-dead gorgeous, and everything I’ve ever wanted, but I can’t give her what she wants. I’ve been living on borrowed time with her from the moment we met.
Looking at her in front me, knowing she’s so close but her heart is already a million miles away, breaks something inside me.
I may not be worthy of her, but I damn sure want to keep her.
How selfish am I?
“If you think that, then this is why we always fall apart . . .” I nearly choke on the words as I wrap my arms around her because I can’t stop myself. I have to touch her. “If you believe that,” I say in a whisper, “then you don’t know me at all. I’m giving you what you want by walking away. You want a family, and I can’t do that while my family is my team.”
My heart is beating hard against my chest walls as her body starts to tremble. This is what we do. We fight, we make each other crazy, we push each other away, and then we crash back together.
Like a never-ending war that we keep fighting because we can’t stop. She and I will always be on opposite sides, unable to create a treaty.
“Can’t or won’t?” she asks.
“Does it matter?”
She wants to be my world. She wants me not to reenlist, move to New York, and marry her like I promised I would. It just is not who I am. I thought I could, but then those papers were in front of me and I saw the guys. If I got out next week, it would be the biggest mistake I made, bigger than even letting her walk away from me. I am a navy SEAL. I’m a frogman. I’m a goddamn warrior, and I can’t give that up.
“I guess it doesn’t.” Her voice splinters and so does my heart. After a few seconds, she sniffs as her shoulders fall. “It could be so simple for us.”
I bury my face in her dark red hair and brush my nose against the back of her neck. “I can’t do it. I can’t give up this life.” In her heart, I think she knows this. “Not even for you, fragolina.”
I hope that the term of endearment softens her, makes her see. She hates that I call her little strawberry, but that’s what she is. She’s fire on the outside and sweet in the center. She tries to guard herself, tries not to bruise or break, but she’s delicate.