Indefinite (Salvation #6)(2)

“So, that’s it? You’re going to extend due to this deployment and then reenlist? No matter what? Regardless of the fact that you told me you wouldn’t? That I’ve been waiting for this so we could start our life?”

“I’m signing the papers for an extension when we get overseas. I don’t know if I’ll reenlist or ride out the deployment. I just need time, Ashton.”

I won’t lie to her about this. I lie about other things—like how I feel about her or what I want . . . really want in my heart—but I won’t make her think there’s a life I can offer her that I can’t give.

“I love you, Quinn. Against my better judgment, I love you, and you will never love me back.” Ashton’s quiet sobs break me apart. “I can’t keep going like this. You promised me that the last deployment was it and then we’d start a family together. I can’t spend the rest of my life hoping you’ll see that I’m right in front of you, waiting for you to share your heart with me, waiting for you to choose me.”

I love her more than she can ever know. I just can’t tell her. I have to protect her from loving a man like me. My heart isn’t mine to give—it belongs to my teammates. I fight against emotion because not having anything to lose makes the idea of dying easier to handle.

I’ve lost too many men on missions. Held too many widows as they stood in front of that flag-covered casket.

Loving Ashton gives me something to come home for, and that makes me weak. I can’t be that when I’m gone. I have to be smart and keep my head in the game so I can make sure everyone is safe.

I hold her close, needing to feel her body against mine for just a while longer. Each second that passes is one I’ll keep forever. Her head rests against my chest. “You shouldn’t love me,” I say against her neck, closing my eyes and breathing her in. “You shouldn’t because I don’t deserve it.”

“I know. Yet, here I am, waiting for you to say the words that will cause me to walk out that door like you always do.”

And here is where I fail her. Time and time again. I delude myself into thinking that, if I can keep her at arm’s length while still giving her what she needs, we can find a way through our issues, but we can’t. Ashton doesn’t love in half measures, and she sure as fuck doesn’t deserve that from me.

However, hurting her on purpose feels like torture. “I can’t say them this time.” I inhale her floral scent, committing it to memory because I’m sure this will be the last time I see her.

It has to end here, but that doesn’t mean I can’t steal a little of the fire and life she’s brimming with.

“Tell me that you’ll come back,” she pleads. “Tell me you’ll come home and that we can finally have this life together. If you can give me that, I’ll wait for you.”

I leave tomorrow for seven months, and I don’t know if I can walk away from this life. “That’s a promise I can’t make.” Her hand’s lift, wiping away a tear, and that’s my breaking point. I release her. “You should go back to New York.”

When Ashton turns, her blue eyes are filled with unshed tears and a mixture of love and hate. Her lips tremble as she struggles for control of her emotions. I’m completely stoic. I won’t let her see my hurt. I won’t give her the one thing she wants and needs from me. If I’m going to give her up, it’ll be so much easier if she hates me.

When she thinks of me, she’ll remember anger and bitter disappointment. She’ll only see the version of me standing in front of her right now, the one who couldn’t give a shit less about her feelings. That man is easier to walk away from and move on.

“Tell me, Quinn, say you don’t love me.”

“I don’t love you,” I lie.

I’m dying. My heart is being ripped from my chest. This is the worst kind of pain. It’s deep in my bones, shattering each one in slow snaps because I know it’s going to cause her pain.

“You’re lying.”

She knows me better than I’ve tried to allow.

“No, I’m not. I don’t love you, Ashton. I don’t love anyone or anything other than this life. You should go.”

Her hand rests on my chest, right over my heart. “You can lie to me all you want . . .” She pauses, eyes locked on mine. “But you can’t lie to yourself. You may not want to love me, but you do. The saddest part of all of this is that, when you realize it . . . when you’re home from this deployment and all the guys are hugging their wives and kids, it’ll be too late. I’ll be gone. Maybe I’ll be with someone else. Maybe I’ll be happy with someone else, living the life you promised me, but no matter what I’m doing, it’ll be without you.” Ashton leans forward, pressing her lips to mine.

In my head, I’m screaming, beating the shit out of myself to wake up and stop her. Everything wants to fight for her, tell her she’s right and I love her. Marry her today. Give her the kids, family, and life she wants.

It’s all right there.

I could have it.

I could have her, but I’m a coward.

She waits for a beat, watching to see if I’ll say something, but I know that we’ll be back here again. So I don’t move.

Her eyes close and then she turns, grabs her bag, and walks to the door.