Indefinite (Salvation #6)(5)

The look on her face when she saw that her three o’clock consultation was me was priceless. I don’t know why she was so damn surprised, though. I’ve always talked about my desire for a family. This wasn’t exactly the route I was planning to take to get there, but life is all about finding a way to pivot.

There isn’t a question in my mind as to where I should go. Not because I work here and I’m hoping for a very deep discount—our rates truly are awe-inspiring—but because we really are the best. Clara has gone to great lengths to make sure that we are on the cutting edge of new methods.

Not to mention, I’m pretty damn good on my end.

“Really?”

“I know it’s always been your goal to have kids, but it’s been a while since you mentioned it.”

I sort of gave up on the idea. “Quinn and I didn’t work, I’m done wasting time, you know?”

“I understand. So, do you have any questions? I know you know the whole process, but on this side, it’s a little different.”

I have a million of them and even more fear that I won’t be able to conceive. My family may be insanely huge, but I’m an only child. My mother went through hell to have me. It was trouble conceiving, many miscarriages, drugs, tears, and I was a miracle for them. IVF wasn’t advanced at that time, so the fact that I didn’t come out with three arms was a blessing. There was no clear answer as to why Mom couldn’t carry a child, just that her body wouldn’t allow it. While a lot of what we know is heredity, my grandmother had no problems procreating.

I’ve had this fear that I’ll be like her. I’ve already felt a loss for no real reason.

Sometimes it’s the one thing we want the most in life that is out of our reach. Immediately, my mind goes to Quinn. I wanted him to give in to his heart and allow us to live our lives together, but that didn’t happen.

Now I have to live mine.

“I worry.”

“Because of your family history?”

I nod. “And about the selection of donors. I don’t really know how that part works.”

She smiles warmly. “We have a great collection of men to choose from. They’re all screened extensively, and we have a lot of safeguards in place.”

“I know that, I just mean, how the hell do I pick one?”

Clara leans forward, hands clasped in front of her on the glass desk. “Well, you read their bio and find someone you think has the best genetic traits that you’d like to see in a child. Also, look at their likes and dislikes, weigh it against what you also feel passionate about. This is your chance to find someone who meshes well with you in all aspects. If I had to do it, that would be my criteria. You sort of get to build your dream baby without having to go through the dating ritual.”

“I wish I could meet them . . .”

“You and I both know that’s not an option.”

“I know, I know, I’m just saying it. There’s something about knowing the guy that would make it less . . . clinical.”

I look away because Quinn sneaks into my thoughts. I wanted so badly for us to have a child. He or she would’ve been beautiful. With his shade of blue eyes and perfect body paired with my red hair . . . I could see the dream so clearly. But that’s all it is, a dream that I created.

“Have you talked to him?” Clara and I have worked together for a long time. She knows all about my dating woes and Quinn.

My eyes snap up, and I shake my head quickly. “Nothing. He’s deployed, so I don’t expect to. Plus, we didn’t exactly end things with a promise to see each other again. It was sort of the total opposite, actually.”

“I was rooting for you guys. I hoped he was going to choose you.”

“Yeah, me too. The sad part is that, had he talked to me about it, I would’ve been okay. I wanted a partner.” At least, I believe that’s the truth.

Him wanting to serve our country wasn’t the issue. The broken promises of what he assured me would come if I just waited for him. I abandoned any opportunity of loving someone else. For three years, I did what he asked. I was understanding, patient, flew there when he couldn’t make it to me. Each time, I told myself not to fall harder because it would hurt to leave him. I never wanted to experience what Catherine had when Jackson was shot. I didn’t want to be like Natalie when she thought Aaron was killed. As strong as people think I am, I could never endure loving someone and losing them like that.

So, I kept my feelings for him hidden from even myself.

I was an idiot.

I fell so deeply in love with that stupid man, and now look where I am. Knocking myself up.

“You’re sure you want to do this now? Do you think there’s a chance you can work it out when he returns?” She smooths her ebony hair to the side and waits.

No matter how much I wish there could be, there’s not. He would have to admit he has a heart and that it beats, and I’m not holding my breath on that.

“I doubt it. I’m just ready to move on.”

Clara clears her throat. “All right.”

A tear falls, and I feel like an idiot as I brush it away. “Sorry,” I say, shaking off the fresh wave of pain that comes with thinking of Quinn. “I’m happy. I really am. Right now I’m sort of . . . processing.”

She smiles. “I understand. It’s emotionally straining to even get this far, you know that. The next step is to do a full work-up, exam, and then develop a plan that works for you, okay?”