Indefinite (Salvation #6)(3)

This is the last chance. I clench my fists so tight I’m sure I’ll draw blood.

“Goodbye, Quinn. I hope it all works out for you.”

The door shuts as Ashton walks away. I never understood the term heartbreak until now. Too many emotions flood me at one time, and I start to go after her, but when I get to the front door, I can’t do it. I slam my fist into the solid wood and welcome the physical pain because it’s nothing compared to what is going on inside me.

Fuck love.

Fuck this.

Fuck it all.

Now I’m ready to deploy.





2


Ashton





Six Months Later



“I’m going to have a baby,” I tell Catherine as we sit on the beach by her apartment.

“I’m sorry, you’re what?”

“A baby. I’m going to get me one.”

She looks at me with confusion and a little bit of fear. “So, you’re pregnant? I didn’t even know you were dating someone.”

I laugh. “No, I’m not pregnant . . . yet. Since I walked away from Quinn, I’ve become a damn nun. I tried to date that one guy, and I spent all night thinking about how he was too thin and couldn’t protect me from a fly. Then all I did was measure the rest of his body against the chicken shit.”

Quinn is not small—anywhere. He’s wide, tall, has muscles that have muscles, and I could talk shit to anyone and he’d be able to kick their ass. At least, that was the feeling I had around him. I loved to test that theory too, which usually proved to be correct, but he didn’t think it was as funny as I did. Also, it was his arms. His arms were so big and strong that I would hold on to them, loving that my fingers couldn’t come close to touching because of how thick they were. I really miss them.

Catherine sighs. “Okay, well, I’m missing where the baby part comes in. Usually, there’s a man involved when creating the baby.”

I look at her round belly, both happy for her and jealous of her. She has it all. She has Jackson, her company, and a bun in the oven. It’s everything I want. Sure, I put on this tough-girl exterior and pretend that I don’t want or need a man. While that is somewhat true, if it were the actual case, I never would’ve fallen for Quinn. I wouldn’t have spent the last six months agonizing over whether I was a fool for walking away from him.

And even now, after months of zero contact, I miss the stupid bastard.

I sit around, wondering how he is. I write emails I’ll never send. I call my friend Natalie to get updates about him through Liam, who is deployed with him. She’s dealing with raising two kids, her husband being gone, and my crazy ass who won’t hit send.

“I’m tired of waiting. I’m getting old, you’re having a kid, and Gretchen will probably have one after her wedding. Everyone is living, and I’m stagnant.”

“Or stuck on repeat.”

I glare at her. “There will be no repeat this time.”

Quinn and I are not getting back together. When I walked out that door, I walked out of his life. For good.

There was no misunderstanding regarding our current situation. I asked him to love me, he refused and let me go.

Now I’m going to fly.

“Still, you’re going to have to clue me in here.”

“I’m an embryologist. I make babies for a living, so, I’m going to do it for myself.”

She sits up, crosses her legs, and releases a deep sigh. Here we go. “Ash, are you sure? You want to be a single mother? Really? You work insane hours. You moved to Brooklyn, which is farther from your parents than you’ve ever lived before. I also know you want to be married when you start a family.”

“Yeah. I do. I want all of that. I want the marriage, the honeymoon, and the perfect life, but I don’t have that, Cat. I don’t have the guy, the house, the ring, the life . . . you do. You and Gretchen got the great guys while I got Quinn. All I’ve ever wanted was a baby, and with all the issues my mom had . . . I can’t wait.”

Catherine doesn’t love Quinn, but she always seems to side with him. It’s the strangest thing, and I blame Jackson. Him and his navy SEAL brotherhood crap. I’m well aware of how hard deployments are on the guys, that they are hard on Quinn—there was never any question of that. What about what it’s like for me, though? What about the fact that his issues became my issues? What about him pushing and pulling me back and forth like we were playing a game of tug-of-war where I ended in the mud at the end of each round?

“You know why he’s this way. You knew it when you started dating him.”

“And I hoped to fix him.”

She rolls her eyes. “That could be your first problem.”

“I loved him enough for both of us.”

Catherine falls quiet. “I’m sorry, Ash.”

“It’s fine. I’m done waiting to start my life and have the things that I want. That was the second disastrous relationship I’d been in, and I’m not ready to love anyone else. So, fuck the man, I’m going to get the baby and be just fine.”

Quinn has been the last three years of my life, but before him, there was Antonio. God, I loved him. I thought he was the one. Everything with us was perfect. We fit so well, complemented each other in every way. I was so in love with him I thought I could never have found anything like him again, and then I met his wife.