Don't Let Me Fall(64)

“Why is he not here?” I asked, confused. I don’t mind if he is or not but if he’s not coming because Valerie said something then I should know what it was.

“She basically called you a whore that f*cks people because you don’t feel anything,” Victor said not holding anything back. “He doesn’t want you to think he wants the sex.”

I slid the martini over to the woman and the guy told me close up the tab. Sure thing. You want to get laid. I gave him the bill then started wiping down the bar.

“And why are you telling me this? He could have texted,” I said. He did text. A few times. I didn’t read them though. I put my phone on silent and stuck it into my back pocket to

deal with later.

“Because Aimee mentioned you attacked him while drinking eggnog,” he said. I stopped wiping the bar to look at him.

“You talked to Aimee?” I asked. Did hell freeze over? Did Jesus walk the earth? Am I dead?

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” he said shrugging his shoulders. “They’re worried because you did just lose your mom. Rebeckah, people don’t go to school, go to

work or do anything when their mom dies so suddenly.” I opened my mouth to speak but he kept going. “I know you have a complicated past but they don’t know that. The twins are

close with their parents. If they lost one of them, they’d be on the first flight back to Bethesda and not come back until they’re ready.”

I leaned against the bar while I processed that.

I am trashy. Who shoves their tongue down someone’s throat days after their mom dies? Me. Crazy people. Twisted, sick people.

“Want a break?” Peyton asked leaning on the bar.

“From life,” I said pushing myself off it and going back to wiping it down. I need to disappear. Be alone. Wither in a dark cave or something.

I know what I want.

I just can’t do it.

***

The funeral was nice. I have no idea how many times I stared at the closed casket and wished it were me inside but I did it constantly. I wished I could go back to April 7th and

choose Kenneth over Jared. I wish I went into the bathroom with him and I wished he killed me instead. Alice would be alive. I would be six feet under. She would be happy. Everyone

would be fine.

We drove home where Kelsey and Matty locked themselves up in their rooms. Jacky and Remy went to their place where Jacky can have some time without me looking at my nails or

awkwardly looking for a way out of the silence and the crying.

Dad’s in the living room staring at the coffee table like it’s going to grow legs and walk out the door.

When the landline rang, he didn’t even flinch.

I got up and answered.

It’s Mom’s lawyer and he needs to speak to Dad.

I left Dad in charge as I slipped out of the house and sat on the stairs. It’s cold outside and the black dress I’m wearing isn’t really helping but I don’t want to change. I’m

still in the flats that are probably causing blisters as I speak.

I stared at the trees in the street and my mind went somewhere else. A happy place. I’m at my sweet 16, Mom is finishing up my last curl as Jacky does my lip gloss. They wanted me

to look like a princess. I wanted to be a princess for a day. Minus the puffy dress, Prince Charming and all the other bullshit. We’re having a party at–

It hit me then.

Kelsey won’t have Mom at her sweet 16. That’s all she ever talked about. Mom loved doing parties, Kelsey loved going to them. The two were perfect mother and daughter. Kelsey

deserves to have a mom at the party. Why did I get one? Mom didn’t even love me.

I curled my legs up to my chest, closed my eyes, and for the first time since hearing my mom is gone and never coming back, I let the tears fall. What is so wrong with me that

people can’t love me? Why didn’t my mother love me? I never did anything.

Stop crying! I shouted inwardly. People can’t love you because you’re not worth being loved!

I slipped my fingers into my hair and pulled.

I’m a f-ucking idiot for crying.

I’m stupid for thinking I have the right to cry.

I’m a disappointment and–

Hands slipped around my wrists and gently pulled my hands down to my lap. I expected to see Dad looking back at me or even one of my siblings to tell me they love me or something

but it wasn’t any of them.

It was Logan.

Aimee was a few feet away with a questioning look as she tried to figure out what to do. Walk over to me, let Logan deal with the mess, wait for me to say something…

“Your sister said you were home,” Logan said wiping his thumbs under my eyes. “She mentioned you haven’t been eating.”

Punching Valerie made my stomach flip. I can’t keep anything down because what she said was true. I use sex because I’m trash.

“Can you come out with us?” he asked.

“What’s the point?” I asked with a shaky voice. “You’re just going to stare at me and ask questions like a therapist. You’ll try and twist everything and make me even more

confused.”

“I haven’t done that since school started,” he said. So he admits to doing it. I was just saying shit.