Don't Let Me Fall(57)

My family loves her. And they lost her.

Just like I lost Alice.

f-uck!

Victor moved in his seat and I reached out to grab his arm. “Please don’t let me go anywhere by myself,” I said staring at the floor for a bit then finding some strength to bring

my eyes back up. Tears ran down my cheeks as I looked up at him. “Because I don’t trust myself right now.” I’m falling. Falling deeper in the blackness. The end.

“Don’t trust yourself how?” Victor asked.

I closed my eyes and tried not to think about it.

“Staying alive,” I said.

***

Dad came by thirty minutes later and said Kelsey isn’t in the right place to see me. She knows about Mom and she thinks it’s her fault. She asked to go to the mall. Mom went to

get her.

Everyone else stayed as I walked out of the hospital with Victor. I don’t deserve to be there. Everyone cares about Mom and I’m just ruining the mood.

Worst Daughter Ever award goes to Rebeckah Lennox.

The roads are shitty but Victor’s a good driver and the 4x4 helps. He was about to drop me off at my dad’s place when he remembered that I shouldn’t be left alone and asked if I

wanted to go to Logan’s.

Logan’s is the last place on my mind.

People are the last thing on my mind.

“It wouldn’t be weird if I stayed with you for a bit, would it?” Victor asked walking into the house with me. We actually started hanging out more since I reconnected with Jon

and Adam again. We just don’t do it in front of Aimee. She hates the guy with a passion so it wouldn’t be smart to hang him out to dry.

“Uh, no. I mean…the roads aren’t safe so no one will mind,” I said. Look at my dead mother. I glanced around. “And since no one is around, you’ll be fine.” Matty gets all

macho when guys are over. He thinks he’s the big brother or something.

Victor came in and we sat in the kitchen, waiting for water to boil for hot chocolate. There was a long awkward silence but what can really be said at this point. We’re snowed in.

My mom’s dead. I’m thinking about downing some pills because I’m really not doing any good on this world.

That doesn’t seem worthy of talking about so…

Matty was right. They did lose me the day Alice died.

“Jon was crazy in love with you,” Victor said tapping the hot chocolate mix packet against the counter. His eyes flicked up and found mine. “You were the only thing he talked

about in high school.”

I drummed my fingers against the counter as I thought back to those days. Back to not thinking something was wrong with me. Back to when Mom pretended she loved me. People might say

that is worse, fake love, but I actually think it’s better because she was doing something. She actually put up with me. She cared enough to fake it.

“I was the only thing he didn’t f-uck,” I said.

Victor smiled and nodded. “Yeah, my cousin was a f*cker.” We laughed at the double meaning.

“Does he still feel that way?” I asked curiously.

“What way?” I raised an eyebrow at him. He knows what I’m talking about. Victor leaned on his arms even more as he let the packet fall flat near his fingers. “You were the one

that got away, Becka. Of course he still feels the same way.” And women think men don’t care about emotions. They’re big softies at times. Hopefully not during sex. No one wants

that. Who wants to f-uck someone and then have them burst into tears before they come?

“Why?” I asked. Victor stared at me for a while until I slipped out of the chair and poured hot water in our cups.

“Why what?” Victor asked as soon as I sat back down.

“Why did he feel something for me?”

Victor would have dropped his mug on the floor if he were standing. He literally deflated right in front of me as his mouth opened and closed.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“No shit. Usually people who feel worthless tend to kill themselves,” I said. My heart stopped as I heard the words leave my mouth. I looked up to find Victor’s eyes searching my

face.

“That’s why you wear the sweaters,” he said softly as his eyes dropped to my hands. I curled my fingers around the mug and brought it to my lips. The soggy marshmallows slipped

past my tongue and made their way down my throat while the burning hot chocolate followed. “Is that why you have no friends?” Ouch. Rub it in even more. I can handle it. “I

mean...before. Before you started hanging out with the macho men and Aimee.” I smiled at that. The macho men. That’s exactly how to describe them.

“I don’t like bringing people into my life.”

“Uh…you do realize you’re dating my ex’s brother.”

“We’re not dating.” We didn’t label anything.

“Okay, f-ucking, going on dates, sneaking around for more f-ucking. You two are pretty close. You let him into your life. Well according to you, you let him into your panties and

women think too much about shit so getting into your panties is like you’re going to ride off into the sunset and shit, so…” I gave him a look. “You let him into your life.”