Don't Let Me Fall(52)

but I’m not that f*cked up. You don’t talk about the Williams’ with a Williams. “Look at me. We both lost her and you don’t see me ignoring you.”

“I wish you would.”

“Get the f-uck up,” Toby said louder.

“You should get the f-uck out,” Logan said, giving Toby his full attention. Shit. This doesn’t look good. Logan looks about ready to start grabbing Toby’s sweater and drag him

out kicking and screaming.

“You’re making a scene, Rebeckah,” Toby sighed.

“Me? You’re the one that doesn’t leave.” I can’t believe him! He’s putting this on me. I’m just sitting here.

Toby looked me straight in the eyes and said, “If Ali was standing here right now, would you be this difficult?”

I curled my hands into fists under the table. He’s driving me insane and I want to hit him. Repeatedly. I want to break him and–

“Ugh! I wish you weren’t gay so I can beat the shit out of you,” I said as tears ran down my cheeks. That doesn’t matter though. I would still kick his ass but I can’t because

I love the guy. UGH!

“Oh, you’re gay?” Caleb asked, dropping the should-we-throw-him-out look he was sharing with Logan.

“Yeah. Why? Now you change your mind about kicking my ass?” Toby asked him. Caleb held up his hands in surrender and nodded. “That’s what I thought.” For a twenty-four-year-

old, Toby acts twelve. “Now that everyone established the fact that I won’t rape you outside, can you talk to me?” he asked turning his eyes back on me.

I give up.

He’s not leaving until we talk. So we’ll talk.

“Fine,” I sighed. Aimee and Juan got up so I could slide out. I grabbed Toby and pulled him to an empty table nearby.

I held out my left arm for him to take.

“What the f-uck is this?” Toby asked confused. “A marriage proposal? Not with me, Becka.”

“Take it,” I said shaking it. He took my hand and raised an eyebrow. I can’t say it. The words are stuck in my throat. “Go higher.”

His fingers slid under Logan’s sweater as he said, “I don’t understand why I’m feeling your wr–”

His other hand pulled the sweater arm up and his eyes found the scar. Then they found mine.

“That’s why,” I said. “Ever since I met you, you said you had one rule for liking and disliking people. You don’t care about who they are, what color their skin is or if they’

re homophobic but you will never be friends with someone who tries to kill themselves. You’re gay and you know a lot of people who ended their lives because they weren’t accepted.

You hated them for it. I tried to end mine because I was in pain, Toby. I lost her. I loved her! And my sister got sick. My world shattered and I couldn’t handle it. There was

nothing I could do. I was useless.”

“You’re not useless,” Toby said looking at my scar again. His thumb ran over it a few times and as he did that, the tears came out harder. “I’m sorry,” he said dropping my arm

and pulling me into a hug. “I shouldn’t have locked myself away. I should have checked on you.”

“It should have been me, Toby,” I cried into his chest. “If that employee didn’t come outside, he would have killed me. Then maybe Ali would still be alive.”

“Don’t do that,” Toby said pulling away and cupping my face. “Don’t do the ‘what if’s’. No one knows how that night would have happened if something changed. You can’t feel

like this, Becka. She’s gone but you’re still alive.”

“But I’m not living,” I sobbed.

“Because you don’t want to live.”

He’s right.

“I feel like I don’t deserve to live,” I whispered.

“Man, I wish you were gay so I can beat the shit out of you,” Toby said smiling at me. He pulled me back into his arms and squeezed the air out of my lungs. “You hurt yourself

again and I will personally cut off your nipples and shove them down your throat.” I pulled away from him with a raised eyebrow. Where the f-uck is that coming from? And why my

nipples? “You don’t have a cock. It’d work so much better if you had a cock.”

“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “That way you can cut it off and shove up your own ass.” Toby laughed and walked me back to my table with everyone staring at us. I don’t think

they’ve ever heard of privacy.

“You wish you can f-uck me. I’m the forbidden fruit,” Toby said standing right beside Logan. Are you serious? I know he’s doing that because of the way I acted when he told

Logan I’d leave him when the next one comes around. I never stick up for hook-ups. And Toby knows that. “The sexy forbidden fruit.”

“More like the sexy forbidden banana,” Aimee said.

Caleb gave her a cocked eyebrow and Toby followed.

“You look like Becka’s type,” Toby said.

My eyes widened as I punched him in the shoulder. Not once have I thought of Aimee that way. Ever! Toby glanced at me with a confused look. Then he got it. “Oh…they don’t know.”