Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(14)

I think I would have felt better if my last words were about love, but instead I’d only reassured her that her secret was safe with me. I didn’t plan on ever telling my brother, or anyone else that I’d slept with Kat. She didn’t deserve to suffer because of my actions.

After a whole day of traveling, I’d arrived at intake. So many men and women my age stood around waiting to be called and assigned. One by one we were taken to areas to start the long process. During the first week I said goodbye to civilian clothes, lost all of my hair to a buzz-cut, and prepared for the physical aspects of the following week. Testing mental and physical endurance would have been easier if the drill sergeant wasn’t such a hard ass. I swear that there was no possible way someone should be able to yell as much as this guy did. No matter what he was talking about, it was in a piercing announcement. For the most part, I was thankful that he pushed us to the limit because if I wasn’t so exhausted I don’t know if I would have been able to sleep. My last thought every night before I closed my eyes was of Kat, and how I’d left things so unhinged. Thinking that she hated me made me work harder. I couldn’t fail at this too because I’d have nothing left of my own.

During the fourth week we practiced and learned marksmanship. I never knew that there was so much to learn about a weapon. We were taught how to hold each gun, how to breathe, and even how to break it down to clean it.

The fifth and sixth week forced us to work together with our fellow members. It wasn’t always a success, and I say that with a grain of salt, because sometimes I felt as if I was the weakest link. It was there that I started to get close with two fellow trainees. Mullins, or Trevor Mullins that is, was from Kentucky. He’d just gotten married, and they were expecting their first child. Amanda Taylor was also someone I found interesting. It was obvious that she’d been raised by her father. The girl could bench press a large man, and she didn’t hold back her opinions. Nothing about her reminded me of Kat, making it easier for me. Her blonder hair was always tied back, so I’m not very sure how long it actually was, but her huge brown eyes were what really stood out. I read once that a person’s eyes stayed the same size since birth. If that was the case than as a baby she must have looked like an alien. Now, it had become a good feature, not that I’d ever bring it up in conversation.

For the next four weeks the three of us teamed up during our drills and helped each other as much as we were able to. After the tenth and final week we graduated basic training, but that was only the beginning for me. I’d found a liking to weapons and wanted to pursue a position that would enable me to get out on the battlefield.

You have to understand that at this point I was only fueled by motivation to keep trucking forward. My aspirations of ever being happy were replaced with taking risks because honestly I felt as if I had nothing to go home to.

I hooked up with Amanda after a month of us being friends. I didn’t do it to erase Kat, or forget all the feelings that I clearly still had for her. I did it because I was tired of feeling so alone. I could tell she was in the same boat. We both needed reprieve, so one night, after a lot of drinks, we decided to go at it like rabbits. Admittedly it helped for a short while. That first night I slept like a rock, so we continued doing it, sneaking around at night when everyone was asleep. There were no feelings on my part. I’d made that clear from the beginning. Amanda, on the other hand, had gotten carried away, reading too much into it.

When I knew it was time to stop, she agreed. We were headed in different directions, and I used that as my excuse to let her down easy.

Mullins watched his child being born from an internet video chat box. I sat next to him, staring in shock as his wife labored and struggled to birth his daughter. I honestly had to close my eyes when it began to happen. It felt too intrusive, like I didn’t have a right to witness it. As they pulled the crying baby out, cleaned her off and stuck her in the mother’s arms, I watched my friend fall apart. He wanted nothing more than to be there for them. He’d become a father in that moment, and I was grateful he wanted me there to experience it with him.

In the next few weeks, I watched him break down too many times to count. We were supposed to be strong soldiers, rangers, but inside we all had our demons.

One night after doing drills, we found Amanda passed out in the bathroom. She was unresponsive at first. Mullins and I watched them carting her out, not knowing what was going on with our friend. Come to find out she’d taken a bunch of pills and left a note on her pillow. She said she couldn’t handle it anymore, and that going home was never going to be an option.

We never saw her after that night, not even when we graduated.

The longer I was away, the easier it got to pretend that I hadn’t left my heart back at home. Honestly, I’d learned to shove all of my emotions to the farthest place in my mind. I experienced loss, life, and brutality. It made me strong on the outside, but unlike how I pictured, I could see that every person around me had their own personal flaws.

I learned to hide my feelings, to stay distracted, and distance myself from the things that hurt too much to think about.

Even my calls to my parents were quick. I could tell they were worried, but also knew they were trying to prepare for Kat and Branch to move to Salisbury to start college. Soon they’d be home alone, without any of us kids. I just hoped they’d remain together, because after all this time, I still worried my parents had stayed together for the three of us kids.