Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(9)

After we’d made love for the second time, I held her close to me, kissing her on the head. My heart was beating rapidly, and I knew I couldn’t puss out. I’d been living with a lie for far too long. “I love you so much,” I whispered.

It felt so good to say it that I had to hold back my emotions. For a while I kept my arms around her, unable to rationalize with those words. Kat deserved the truth, but what would it get me? I was kidding myself if I thought we could be together. She’d made her choice, and as much as it pained me to accept, I was aware that I didn’t have a choice. When I climbed out of that bed and went to my room I knew I had to get away from them. I’m not talking about dating other people. I literally needed to walk away from my family so that they could be happy. It was the only way; the only choice I could make. I loved her enough to let her go; to give up hope on us ever being together.

It took a while for me to fall asleep, and even longer to find the courage to head to her room that next morning. Once again I feared that my brother and parents would be waiting to tear me down to nothing, and once more I was surprised when I found Kat all alone instead.

She was on her way to the bathroom, bedhead and all. As she came toward the doorway I blocked her from continuing. “Still mad at me?” I had to break the ice in order to feel her out. She wasn’t exactly a morning person.

“I’m not in the mood for you. My head hurts too bad.”

When she pushed past me I grabbed her by the waist, pulling her back before she could make it down the stairs. “Go get back in bed. I’ll get you some Tylenol and water.”

Kat looked at me for only a moment before rolling her eyes and turning to head back into her room. “Whatever.”

When I went downstairs, I found that I was alone. This was the perfect time to come clean and beg her to forgive me. After I’d obtained some medicine, and a fresh glass of water, I headed back up to confess the truth to the other half of my heart. She didn’t have to forgive me, or even understand why I’d done it, as long as when I walked away from her she knew that I loved her, more than any man had ever loved a woman.

“Thanks,” she mumbled as I handed her the pills.

I sat down beside her, trying my best not to think about what we’d done the night before, when she thought I was Branch. I closed my eyes and pushed the thought away. “So, are you still mad?”

“Are you going to ask me this until I answer?” It was obvious that she was still bitter.

I placed my hand on her leg. “I can’t have my sister mad at me.” Calling her that made me want to cringe.

“Get off. I don’t feel good, I told you.”

I laughed it off, refusing to let her see how much it hurt. “Branch isn’t here, you know. You don’t have to pretend to not care, Kat. Natalie was fun, but that’s it.”

Kat put her pillow over her head and let out a growl. “Seriously, I don’t want to talk about this.”

“I’m staying until we talk it out.” If she only knew how hard this was for me, maybe she’d understand why I refused to walk away. I’d come this far.

“I guess you’ll be here all day then. I’m going back to sleep.” She rolled over, literally giving me the cold shoulder. I felt defeated.

“I didn’t sleep with her, Kat.” It wasn’t as if I was trying to earn brownie points. I just felt like she needed to know that. “I really need to talk to you about something. Please, just hear me out?”

She refused to reply.

Several times I tried to come out with the truth. Each instance I knew what I was about to say was wrong. Kat deserved to live without regret. She’d lost so much already. I couldn’t ruin her, not again.

Then I had to consider my brother, and our already struggling relationship. I’d put on a brave face, but it was quite obvious his relationship with Kat was coming between us. Without admitting my feelings, I was forced to pretend to be happy for them, at the cost of losing myself each and every night. I hated the sound of them laughing, the sucking noises when they kissed, and even the times when I knew he was sneaking into her room.

I tried so hard not to listen to their conversations, especially when my brother made her promises I knew he wouldn’t keep. What hurt me worst was knowing that Branch was fully aware of my feelings for Kat. I hadn’t hidden them. He was my twin, yet acted out of his own selfishness to win her heart. What I’d done in her room was wrong, but it wasn’t in vain. Kat needed to feel loved, and that’s exactly what I’d provided her with. If I couldn’t have her forever, at least we’d part on good terms. I’d know what it was like to hold her in my arms and make love to her with all the passion I had in me. Life was about to rip us apart, but I wouldn’t let it cause me to forget.

With a ton of regret, I left her alone in the room, convinced that leaving was my only option, and I knew exactly how I had to go about it so that no one was able to change my mind. There was no other way to keep the peace. Kat needed my family, probably more than I did. Out of us three kids, I was the strongest. I could handle being out on my own when I knew the two of them wouldn’t be able to.

My only concern then would be to look her in the eyes and say goodbye, without the whole world seeing right through me.





Chapter 5


“Mom, Dad, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”