Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(7)

I’d just lost my virginity to the girl I loved, yet felt as if my heart had vacated my body and been replaced with utter guilt. I’d disrespected my brother, my parents, and most of all the one person I cared the most for.

When she awoke the next morning, clearly giving all of her attention to my brother, I knew what I feared was true. Kat hadn’t made love to me. She’d thought I was Branch, and I hadn’t corrected her.

For the next week I steered clear of them the best I could, in fear that they’d both approach me after discovering my secret. When a month passed I started to question if Kat was keeping it a secret, yet nothing had changed between us. I was still the third wheel, the person who kept them from being alone.

Deciding to let it go, I buried my pain by hooking up with random chicks from school. They’d never be Kat, but I couldn’t let it keep breaking me down. If she wasn’t meant to be mine, I had to move on, before the pain consumed me.

Each time we were together, every second I spent close to her, reminded me of that special night. When I rested my head to sleep, I spent countless hours thinking about her, drawing her in my sketchbook, and even writing letters that I knew I’d never give her. It was the only way to cope with what I’d done, and how I still felt.

The more I attempted to move on, the harder it became. Kat was relentlessly picking on every girl I talked to. She felt she was being a friend while I saw it as something else. It got her attention, which only made me do it more frequently. By the time the anniversary of her parent’s death came back around, I’d given myself a terrible reputation. No matter how hard I tried, she still wouldn’t stop giving me that look; the one that always left me hoping there was something between us.

It wasn’t until I brought someone home with me to her special dinner that everything became apparent. It was the breaking point; the one that would send me as far away as I could get.

After meeting Kat and my brother at the cemetery to pay our annual respects to her parent’s lost lives, I parted ways with them. While they went to catch a movie, I ran into someone from school that had been trying to get with me for months. Her name was Natalie Chambers. She was blonde, bodacious, and could probably get any guy she wanted. From the moment we were alone, I could tell she was willing to take things as far as I wanted. In this case, I’d only set out to get a rise out of Kat. She and Branch had been up each other’s asses, and since it wasn’t just the anniversary of her parents anymore, but also the one year mark since we’d last been together, I wasn’t handling it very well. It didn’t help that my parents had both been questioning my reasons for acting mischievous. At one point, they’d both asked me about my feelings for Kat, but since my brother and her had finally come out with their relationship, I knew I couldn’t make it any harder to live under the same roof as them.

Branch, on the other hand, had been adamant about his intentions with Kat. He’d basically used the excuse that he deserved her more. Had it not been for my guilt, I probably would have fought harder, but living with the knowledge that I pretended to be my brother in the bedroom was still too heavy on my heart. I couldn’t look at my mirror image and not feel like hell over my actions.

My only hope was that he would one day screw up, and I’d be there to pick up the pieces, because after all, good things come to those who wait.

Destined to fail, I decided to use my energy on something more constructive, like proving I could get over Kat.

The moment she set eyes on Natalie it was obvious I’d gotten under her skin. She threw me a dirty look from across the table, only making me want to keep at it. I wasn’t always interested in making her mad, but this was different. She was becoming unhinged with jealousy. It caused me to wonder why. If she was so in love with my brother, why would she react this way?

Since I’d clearly gotten a good rise out of her, I took the next moments to test my theory. With a witty smile across my face, I reached down beneath the tabletop to stroke Natalie’s leg. While taking notice to Kat’s expression, I witnessed her dropping a utensil. Had I really gotten her undivided attention, and if so, how far was I willing to take it to prove my theory?

I let my hand slip in between Natalie’s thighs, knowing that Kat was under the table getting an eye full. When she sat back up in her chair I could tell I’d hit a nerve. Her eyes were beading out of her head, and she looked like she was about to get ill. Then I saw something I hadn’t noticed before. It wasn’t jealousy, like I’d assumed.

It was pain.

All of a sudden my demeanor changed. I’d hurt her. I’d caused her pain for no reason but my own benefit. How could I have assumed it was a good idea? Was I really willing to mess with her feelings to make myself feel better about her being with Branch? Was I that cold of a person?

When Kat got up from the table Branch looked toward me as if he knew I was the culprit. I wondered if it bothered him knowing that I could get to Kat that way. Didn’t he get curious as to why she cared what I was doing?

At any rate, I took it as my cue to get the hell out of there. Kat clearly wanted to be away from me. When we finished our food I led Natalie out of the house. For a while we drove around. She kept reaching for me, tucking her hands between my legs and rubbing where she knew she’d get a reaction.

I could have nailed her. In fact, I could have done anything with her that night, if I’d wanted to. Except I didn’t. The only person I wanted to be with was Kat. She needed to know that I was sorry for ruining her special dinner. She had to be told why I couldn’t stand being in the same room as her and Branch, and I didn’t care what I had to do to convince her of it. I was ready to tell her the truth because I couldn’t keep it locked inside any longer.