Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(13)

Kat’s face scrunched up as she began to cry heavily. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. You’re going to be happy with Branch. He loves you. I’ll be out of the picture and it will get easier. The distance between us will help.” I was attempting to convince myself.

Kat kept shaking her head, as if she was in denial.

I couldn’t resist. My lips were on her forehead, leaving her with a reminder that even space couldn’t make me forget about her. “Just remember that you were my first.”

Kat looked into my eyes and grinned. “I’ll never forget our first kiss, Brooks.”

It wasn’t until she began to leave the room that caused me to clarify exactly what I meant. “I wasn’t just talking about a kiss, Kat.”

Her body spun around. “Huh?”

“September 11th, for the past two years. I’m surprised you didn’t know, being as I’ve always been there for you on that day, because unlike my brother, I never could sleep that night knowing you were so upset.”

It took a couple seconds for it to all sink in. Then I watched her composure change. I knew what was coming, so I prepared myself for the blow. “You…oh God. You.”

She covered her mouth and started backing away, but I refused to let her. I closed in on her, breaking the distance between us, while whispering so no one else could hear. “I waited until the perfect moment to have you for myself. You had to be my first Kat, and I knew it was the only way it could happen.”

I watched her haul ass out of my room. She slammed her bedroom door shut, and I didn’t bother going after her. The noise alone would have caught everyone’s attention. Not wanting to draw the curiosity to the both of us, I closed my own door and retreated back to my bed.



Nearly twenty minutes later she came barging back inside without knocking. Her finger pointed in my direction, and I’d honestly never seen her so pissed. “Don’t come visit me in college, Brooks. You’re right, I need to be away from you so that I can be happy with Branch. We don’t need you trying to push us apart. And as far as those two nights go, that goes to your grave with you. I won’t lose Branch over this.”

I spent my last night at home all alone. I think my parents assumed that I wanted space. Perhaps they thought I was packing, or resting. In reality I was a freaking mess. Kat hated me, and I felt like I couldn’t live with myself. I’d known the repercussions before acting out, and overlooked them anyway.

With nothing left in me to lose, I sat down at my desk and wrote her an explanation. I wasn’t going to give it to her before I left, but hopefully when I returned she’d be willing to read it.

Dear Kat,

If you’re reading this letter then I’ve already left for the Army. Which also probably means that I was too chicken shit to tell you how I really feel about you.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this because you’ll probably never come up into this tree house again. In the chance that you do, I need to set things straight, once and for all.

The first thing you need to know is that from the first day we met, as infants even, I loved you. I can’t remember one day where I didn’t, so it has to mean it’s since birth.

The second thing you need to know is that I wanted to tell you when we were twelve and had shared our first kiss. I know you remember that night. I pulled you aside and asked you to do it again. I was going to tell you, but I got called in for dinner. That next day you lost your parents and being your friend was more important than any horny kids’ feelings.

So I waited.

The thing was, I accidentally told Branch all about it. He told me that you secretly confided in him that you liked him, but didn’t want to hurt my feelings. It was a shitty move, but well played by him. He knew that if I thought you wanted him, I’d back off.

I waited for the day that you would break up with him, hoping that one day you’d want me instead. After time, I knew it wouldn’t happen. Our family was too close, and my parents wouldn’t tolerate a scandal like that, besides the fact that I couldn’t destroy the whole family over it.

I stepped aside and let him have you. I watched him hold you and kiss you, day after day, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore.

One night, I snuck into your room. You thought I was Branch, and I didn’t correct you. You asked me to make the pain go away and so I did. I wanted to be that guy that you needed.

That was when I lost my virginity.

I’m not sorry about it either because I know it is something I will never regret.

You’ll probably hate me now, but that wasn’t the only time it happened. I snuck into your room the next year, on the anniversary of your parent’s death, again. I wanted to be the one to make your tears go away.

Now that you know the truth, you’ll understand why I had to leave. I want you to be happy with my brother. He’ll treat you right and give you everything you want.

Maybe when we’re older, with gray hair and lots of children, we can be friends again.

Until then, know I love you.

I always have and I always will.

Love, Brooks





Chapter 7


I always thought that the tragic death of the Michaels was the most brutal thing I’d ever experienced, when in fact looking into Kat’s eyes as I said goodbye was just as horrible, maybe even worse. The idea of not being able to see her, to touch her, to know that she was okay, was killing me inside. I wasn’t just riding off into the sunset to start a new life. The real Brooks was still somewhere close to her, clinging to hope that someway we still had a chance. What was left of me was an empty shell; one that longed for some sort of resolution that didn’t involve pain, or being alone.