Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(18)

“When’s the last time you ate? You know you have to take care of yourself, and you forget to eat when you’re stressed.”

“I’m fine, Brooks. I’ve just been busy and nervous.”

“I worry when you don’t call.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Kat, you know you don’t have to go through with this. You have a choice. You always have. If you aren’t sure about being with Branch for the rest of your life, then don’t do it.” I needed confirmation.

“Why would you think that?” She snapped.

“Isn’t it true?”

“No!” Her quick response only made it more obvious.

“Okay. Whatever you say. I’m just telling you that you’re allowed to change your mind.”

“Why would I change my mind? Do you honestly think I’m in love with you?”

I closed my eyes and imagined that kiss in my bedroom, her tear-filled eyes when we said goodbye, and how desperate she was to get back in touch with me. Something inside of me may have been broken, unrepairable, but I refused to deny what I knew was true. “Yeah. I do.”



After I said it the line went silent. Perhaps I should have dialed her back, but I knew Kat needed to simmer for a while on our conversation. If anything, it had given me hope when I thought all was lost. She was having doubts. Even though some have pre-wedding jitters. I knew Kat’s concerns had more to do with me than Branch. That only verified that the bond between us still existed, and I hadn’t been imagining it all this time. I knew Katy Michaels, obviously better than she knew herself. She chose my brother because at the time, he made her feel safe. I was a rebel, acting out of jealousy, though I couldn’t admit that to her, not back then, and certainly not now.

My mind traveled back to all the times my brother had filled my head with the idea that Kat never wanted me. I wondered if he’d gone to extremes to make sure I didn’t pursue her. Had he lied so that we couldn’t be together because he knew I’d be her first choice?

As the questions began to pile up in my head, so did the fact that I was about to see them after years of being apart. I was going to be able to look into her eyes, to touch her skin, and feel her close to me.

I may have been going there to watch her walk down the aisle with Branch, but I was going to make sure she knew exactly where I stood before that happened. She was going to tell me the truth, once and for all. Best man or not, I couldn’t let my brother win, not if he hadn’t played fair from the beginning. That saying, “cheaters never win,” was true. If he’d lied, he didn’t deserve her.

I realized that I may have been getting excited for nothing. Perhaps my own desperation was making me imagine things that were never there, but if for some reason I was onto something, I had to find out, one way or another.





Chapter 9


Since I was going to be heading overseas after my trip home, my friends threw me a going away party. It wasn’t anything fancy, just beer and the company of my bunk group. I didn’t know why, but my sergeant handed me a journal. When I gave him a curious look, he simply patted me on the shoulder. “Trust me, you’re going to need it. You should prepare yourself. There are things that no person should ever have to see. When I did my three tours in Desert Storm, writing my feelings down was the only thing that helped. I suggest you do the same.”

As much as I appreciated the gesture, I couldn’t understand how I would ever want to write down my feelings.

Then, the day before I was to fly home for the wedding of my brother and Kat, I sat down on my bed and stared at the journal. I think it took me longer to locate a pen, then it did to find words to express how I felt.

I started with the date, hoping that someday I could look back and appreciate that it was in chronological order of when I’d hit rock bottom to when I finally figured out how to move on without Kat.



December 20th 2010

I’m about to embark on a trip home, not knowing if I’ll be able to keep my shit together. It’s been years since I laid eyes on Katy Michaels, but a day hasn’t gone by where I didn’t miss, think about, or wish she was preparing to marry me instead of my brother.

The Army has taught me to be strong, tough, and in control. I know when our eyes meet for the first time I’ll lose all of that. She’s my only weakness.

I’m getting ready to head to the airport and then be on my way to the hotel where they’ll wed. I keep thinking that if I tell her how I’ve felt for so long, she’ll choose me instead, but I know it’s not true.

Kat made her decision years ago. What’s done is done. I can daydream all I want, but she’s not going to change her mind, not this close to her wedding day. It isn’t like we can run off into the sunset together. I don’t even know why I’m writing this down. It’s only going to piss me off more when I read it later.



After confessing my feelings to a ridiculous book, I laid awake staring at the ceiling. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep knowing I was about to see her. My heart was already on edge and facing my brother was going to be an even harder challenge. He’d known we’d slept together. He didn’t even want me at the wedding to begin with. I’m sure he was only doing it for Kat. All I could imagine was getting into a brawl in front of everyone who’d be a part of our lives. My parents would never forgive me, and if they found out what I’d done under their roof I would never be able to justify the repercussions.