Losing Him (Mitchell Family #8)(55)

You’re messed up because inside that little head of yours, you know you’re doing the wrong thing. I don’t get why you’re doing this. Haven’t I proved to you that I want you in my life?

Jessie, you took me in because I didn’t have any place to go. I know you believe that this is what you want, but it’s a decision that was made at a desperate time. I know you care deeply for me, and you thought that I was going to die. You probably got scared about raising our son all by yourself. This isn’t the same as wanting to be with me for no reason at all. That’s the kind of love I’m searching for. It’s the kind of person that I want to be. I can’t undo all of the wrongs that I’ve caused, but I can start over and be a better person. I can’t keep hoping for things to change. I need to make them change.

What do I have to do to convince you that you’re wrong?

I don’t know if there’s anything you can do. My heart is broken and this is tearing me apart inside, but I know it won’t always feel this way. I have to believe that we will both be happy eventually. For now, I need to get my life in order.

I’m not just going to let you go without a fight.

I wish you would, Jess. What you’re doing right now is hurting me even more. Please let me do this. I promise you’ll be happy that I did.

Heather, you’re wrong.

Goodnight, Jess.

It was a good thing that I was already sitting on the living room floor, because I don’t think my legs would have held me up as I broke down again. My phone fell to the floor and I wept. More than anything, I wanted to be with my family. How could he imply that I wasn’t thinking of them?

Did he understand that I wanted more than to be with someone because they felt sorry for me?

The more I tried to calm down, the harder it was to rationalize with myself. As I grew older I started to wonder things in life. One thing I always stumbled upon was the question if things happen for a reason. If everything in my life had been for a reason; perhaps some kind of test, was I on the right path? Was being with my family something I was just going to have to stick out? What would happen to my mother’s house; the house she raised me and my brother in, through good times and bad? How could I walk away from all that I had left of them?

It was as if I was being torn in two. I wanted to make the right choices so that I could be a better person, a loyal mother and a loving person to whoever would want me in that way. I wasn’t desperate, but finding happiness was always the goal.

After turning off all of the lights in the house, I retreated to my mother’s room. When I walked in, I realized that it was the last place that Jessie had slept. The covers were still pulled down on one side. I crawled in, exactly where he laid his head the night before. The pillow acted as my best friend while I hugged it and wailed some more.

There were so many reasons that I should be with Jessie and so many reason that I should walk away.

I was completely confused.

Finally, I sat up, turned on the light and looked around the room. My mother still had clothes hanging on the back of her closet door, preventing it from closing. I climbed out of bed and walked over to it.

As I opened the door, I noticed that all of her favorite outfits were neatly hung and color coordinated. On the top there was a shelf and a few boxes. One box was labeled Heather.

My heart started beating profusely out of my chest as I reached up and grabbed the box. Since my mother had meticulously labeled everything else in the house, I couldn’t believe that I had missed this. Although, her room was going to be the last room that I cleaned out. I still couldn’t handle getting rid of her things. Each item was so precious to me and still a big piece of her.

When I had the box in my hands, I took it over to the bed and sat down. After taking a few deep breaths to try and calm down, I opened the lid.

It was full of pictures and trinkets from places that we’d gone together. She had movie stubs and little items that she got when we went places. She had pictures of me growing up and lastly she had a white envelope with my name on it.

My hands were shaking as I opened it up to read it.

Dear Heather:

If you’re reading this, I’ve passed on and am no longer suffering, so please don’t be sad. I put up a good fight and enjoyed all of the years that I had being your mother. I’m not really sure which letter you’re going to find first. If you haven’t been up to the attic, there is something special up there just for you.

I put this box together of all the special places we went together. I hope you can enjoy these memories and think of me in a time where I wasn’t sick. Being your mother was always what kept me going.

I don’t know if you’ve spoken to the lawyers, but there was something that I didn’t include for him to know. In this box is a key to the First National Bank and Trust of North Carolina. I need you to take this key with a copy of my death certificate. They know you’re coming.

You see, I had to take out money to pay to help your brother, but I knew all along that I had something special to give to you. Inside that safe deposit box is your future Heather. Don’t be frugal with it. Take care of Noah and your family.

No matter where you go, or what you’re doing, I’ll always be there with you.

You are my most special little blessing. There was never a day that I didn’t love you completely. Be kind to yourself.

Love you always,