Instead of You(78)

“You fell in love with him?” Becca asked, her voice soft and full of worry. The gentleness of it made my eyes well with tears and caused that familiar pinch in the back of my throat. I managed to nod, biting my bottom lip, but couldn’t speak. “Why didn’t you tell us, Kenzie?” Suddenly Becca was on my side of the couch and Holly was kneeling in front of me, her hands on my legs while Becca’s arm went around my shoulders.

“I don’t know,” I cried as tears slipped down my cheeks. “He and I were so worried about upsetting his mother, the school finding out, people thinking we were insensitive to Cory. It was all so crazy, but we just couldn’t stay away from each other. I loved him, so much, I still do. I was worried if I told you guys, you’d be angry with me. So, I didn’t say anything. And then, before it ever really began, he left. So I never brought it up.”

“You should have told us,” Holly said quietly, her hand squeezing my leg. “We’re your best friends.”

“I know,” I said, still crying through my words. “And trust me, I wanted to, I just didn’t want to hurt anyone.”

“Looks like you’re the one who got hurt,” Becca said.

I shook my head. “Hayes did what was best for his mom, I know that. It was just a crappy situation. But guys, now he’s going to school here. I saw him two days ago and I literally lost the ability to form sentences.” I let out a soft chuckle thinking about how just the sight of him had rendered me useless.

“What does he want from you?” Holly asked.

I shrugged. “Nothing. He just said he hopes we don’t ignore each other if we walk past one another on campus.”

Holly looked confused. “And you say you were in love with him? It seems weird that he would drop off the face of the planet and then just show up acting like everything was fine. Were things between you serious?”

“Like, I gave him my virginity serious,” I said with a laugh, trying to act like the entire situation wasn’t gutting me.

“Wait, what?” Becca asked, pulling away from me with her eyebrows drawn together. “I thought you went to college a virgin.”

I shook my head. “No. I lost my virginity in Hayes’s college apartment just a few blocks from here.”

“Shut. Up.” Holly gasped.

“I very nearly lost it in a tent at the Holstater compound that night we had that campout party, remember? Becca opened my tent and he was totally in there, sleeping in his underwear.”

“Wow,” Becca said quietly. “I can’t believe all that happened and you never told us.”

“At first I couldn’t tell anyone, and then he left and it hurt so badly, I just tried to move on. Telling you guys any of it would have been too painful. But now, oh, my gosh….” The thought of seeing him walking through campus, holding some woman’s hand, having to see him with someone else, it made my stomach roll. “Now I have to see him and pretend like I’m not falling apart all over again.”

“So, you’re still in love with him?” Holly asked.

I held up my hands and gave a defeated shrug. “I can’t help it. There are times I wish I weren’t, but it never went away and I’m not sure it ever will.” I let out a large sigh. “This is not how I pictured my spring break starting.”

“Tell you what,” Becca said, standing from the couch with purpose. “We’re going to go get lunch, come back here and watch a few chick flicks, and then we’re going to go out and get you so drunk, you won’t even remember his name.”

“Girls’ night!” Holly said as she clapped and smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back. And the entire plan sounded excellent, so I agreed.

“I’ll go put some clothes on.”



I had the best friends. Seriously. My love for Becca and Holly only bloomed under their gentle care. They’d spent the entire day trying to make me feel better. They’d fed me, entertained me, and even given me a makeover, determined to take me out and find me some warm body to make me forget about Hayes. I wasn’t opposed to their plan. I’d been with a few people since starting college, and all of them were just guys I’d used to fill a void. I never dated anyone and never started a relationship. In fact, one night was the most I’d spent with anyone in three years. I wasn’t proud of my track record, but sometimes I was so tired of feeling numb, that any emotion would do. Lust was a perfect distraction, even if it was attached to a person who didn’t care if they ever saw me again. At least with those men, I knew the score before the game ever started.

I was four drinks in and we were dancing in a trio in the middle of a club. The music was loud enough I could hardly hear my thoughts about Hayes pinging around my brain. That did not, however, stop my brain from imagining him everywhere. So I closed my eyes.

I wasn’t drunk, but I was definitely buzzed. Dancing with my eyes closed made everything sway more, and I had to concentrate even harder on not tipping over, since Holly had convinced me to wear shoes with heels so high it was difficult to walk in them without alcohol in my system.

Suddenly there were hands on my hips and a hard body pressed into my back. My first thought was that perhaps it was Hayes. Maybe he’d found me. But I knew immediately it wasn’t him because the hands felt foreign and my body didn’t instantly come alive at his touch. My eyes opened to see Becca in front of me, giving me a thumbs-up, mouthing the words “He’s cute” at me.