Instead of You(74)

“There will never be anyone instead of you, Hayes. And up until ten minutes ago, that fact alone made me the luckiest person on the planet. But if you do this, if you push me away, it’ll ruin me. There will never be anyone else, and that will eat away at me for the rest of my life.”

He pressed his forehead against mine and my hands gripped the wet fabric of his t-shirt, trying to hold on to him for as long as I possibly could. When one of his hands cupped my cheek, I tried to keep my eyes down, knew that if I looked him in the eyes it would be my undoing.

“I love you,” he whispered. His lips pressed against mine and it was the saddest kiss I’d ever experienced. It was love and good-bye and I’m sorry all wrapped together, and I wanted to pull away, to yell at him, to tell him he was an * for making me love him and then throw me away. But instead, I kissed him back. Because there was a tiny part of me that knew it would be our last, and I wouldn’t have traded our last kiss for anything.

Ever since Hayes Wallace had been my first kiss, I’d believed, somewhere deep inside, he’d be my last. But I had no idea we’d burn out so quickly.

I cried against his mouth, unable to keep it at bay any longer. I pulled away, took one last look at the face I loved, turned, and ran away.





Chapter Twenty-Seven


McKenzie


There was something to be said for being more heartbroken over a breakup than the death of a boyfriend. It had been six days since Hayes told me he was leaving, four days since he actually left, and every time my heart beat, I was sure it would be its last. The first day was probably the worst. I ran home, barged into the house dripping wet and shivering, and spent an hour in a hot shower trying to bring myself back to life. My mom came home, heard me sobbing in the bathroom, and eventually managed to get me out, dressed in my pajamas, and eating ice cream. Again.

This time, though, she joined me in more than just solidarity because I’d broken the news to her that Mrs. Wallace was moving to Montana, which she hadn’t known. So, she was losing her best friend to distance, and I was losing my boyfriend to… what? To responsible heartbreak? Romantic martyrdom? I was swinging from a wild emotional pendulum. One moment I hated him. Hated him. And the next, I remembered every single thing about him that I loved and felt guilty for even entertaining the terrible thoughts of hate.

Of course I didn’t hate him.

In the middle of the night, when I couldn’t sleep and my mind was just a jumble of thoughts of Hayes, there was always one thing I knew for sure: Hayes loved me.

I couldn’t understand why he didn’t give us enough credit, or even the opportunity to make our relationship work, but I tried really hard to focus on the fact that he thought he was doing what was best. Best for me and best for his mom. In those moments when I would get really angry with him, I’d think of Mrs. Wallace and I’d try to remember what he’d sacrificed for her. And that made me love him even more.

Tuesday I’d stayed home from school. I could hardly walk down the hall without crying, so school wasn’t a good place for me. But on Wednesday I’d decided to at least try. I’d never actually gone to high school at the same time as Hayes, but being in there, knowing he wasn’t within the walls, made the school feel strangely empty. By the time I got to history, I’d told Mr. White I wasn’t feeling well and went home early. I figured I’d tortured myself enough for one day. But the next day, and the day after that, I’d managed to endure the whole day. And by the end of day Friday, I’d made it all eight hours without crying.

I thought about him all the time, wondered where he was, what he was doing, but I never broke down and tried to contact him. I knew that would have just been painful for both of us.

Friday afternoon, though, I did find myself somewhere I hadn’t been in weeks.

“I know you’re the last person I should be talking to this about, but in a weird way, I kind of feel like you already know.” I sighed and pulled at a few blades of grass. “The thing is, I’ll always love you, and I’ll always love him. And I’m really thankful I was lucky enough to love you both and feel loved by both of you.” I ran my fingers across the letters of his name engraved on his headstone, and I wondered who would make sure it was taken care of since his mother and brother had moved so far away. I noticed a little bit of dirt in the Y of Cory, so I dug it out and wiped it on my jeans. “I will never have a best friend like you,” I whispered, trying not to cry anymore.

“Hey, we resent that.”

I turned to see Holly and Becca walking up the tiny hill toward Cory’s gravesite. I smiled at them, feeling so thankful they’d come looking for me.

“How’d you guys know where I was?”

“We asked your mom,” Becca said as the two of them sat down next to me. We were all quiet for a while, silent and thoughtful.

“I’ve never hung out at someone’s grave before,” Holly finally said.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, and said, “Me either. But I hadn’t come to see him since he was buried, and I figured it was time.” I gave a small laugh. “He’s surprisingly a very good and nonjudgmental listener.”

“What were you telling him that he would judge you about?” Becca’s eyes were trained on me, and I knew she could tell something major had happened in the last week. Of all my friends, she’d been the most observant, the most skeptical about the excuses and stories I’d made up to cover my time with Hayes. But in that moment, it felt right that only Cory knew. I figured one day I’d tell them what had happened, how I’d fallen in love with my deceased boyfriend’s brother, but today wasn’t that day.