Instead of You(73)

Hayes turned to look back at his driveway, as if he’d forgotten there was a U-Haul there, forgotten he’d just been inside of it. When he turned back to me his face was pained and he looked as though the words bubbling up in his throat were hurting him.

“My mom wants to sell the house. We’re going to hire movers to come and pack up most of the stuff. I’m just loading the things she wants to take with us.”

“Take with you?”

“Yeah, McKenzie. Shit,” he said roughly, dragging his hand through his now soaking wet hair. “My mom needs to really focus on getting better. She needs to see a psychiatrist regularly, and she needs more care than I can give her here. So we talked it over and decided it would be best for her to be near her parents in Montana.”

“Your mom is selling her house and moving to Montana?” There were so many things about that sentence that seemed impossible to me. The idea that the Wallaces wouldn’t be just down the street, that some other family would be living in their house, it made the world feel a little colder and unfamiliar, like I’d jumped dimensions or something.

“Kenz,” he said, the tone of his voice now apologetic, “we’re both moving to Montana.”

The earth might as well have opened up and swallowed me whole. Everything that kept me alive stopped working. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, my heart felt like a broken engine, refusing to do its job, churning and breaking and crumbling all at once.

“Kenz,” he said again, this time stepping toward me. I stepped back and he stopped, his head dropping, his gaze falling to the ground.

“Mr. White said you weren’t teaching anymore. I ran here to see if you were all right. If your mom was all right.” I stopped, the words stacking up in my throat, jammed behind the huge lump forming there, with rain now soaking through my clothes. “You’re leaving?” I tried not to cry, but it was the only way the words could come out, strapped to sobs. “For how long? You’ll come back when your mom’s better?”

It took a moment before he raised his gaze to meet mine, but he said no words.

“You’re not coming back?” What world was I living in? This couldn’t be reality. Not my reality. “Hayes, if you need to go with your mom to make sure she’s okay, go. I want your mom to be all right too. But that doesn’t mean we have to be over. You’re acting like this is the end for us.”

“It has to be.”

My mouth fell open. Tears escaped both my eyes, mixing with the rain already streaming down my face, and my feet took me backward, away from the dagger-like words he’d thrown at me.

“Kenz, listen—”

“Listen to what? Listen to you tell me that you’re leaving and we’re over? Just days ago we were planning the next year of our life together, and now you’re just ending it?”

“My mom—”

“Is sick, I know. I love your mom, and I want her to be happy and well. And I love that you want to be there for her. I’d never hold that against you. But I don’t understand how this all means we can’t be together.” My words were frantic and tripping out of my mouth almost on top of each other. The words couldn’t keep up with my thoughts and all I was thinking was why why why.

Hayes took a fast step toward me, grasping my shoulders before I could get away. I wanted him to stay with me, to choose to be with me, but I didn’t want him touching me just then. It felt too raw, as though his hands were carving into me.

“I love you, McKenzie. More than I could ever love anyone. But this, us, it isn’t right. Healthy relationships aren’t born from death, they don’t blossom in the dark, and they don’t flourish while being hidden.”

“We weren’t born from death,” I practically spit at him.

He shook his head ever so slightly, his grasp on me still firm. “If Cory were alive, I never would have been with you. And I’m not saying I was only with you because he died, but dammit, McKenzie, that’s how it feels right now.”

“This isn’t fair. You can’t just make me fall in love with you and then let me go like this. It feels like you set a trap and I’ve fallen in, and you’re just walking away, leaving me behind.” The rain was still pummeling us, and if I hadn’t had anger burning through me, I would have been cold. But I wasn’t shaking from cold, I was shaking from rage and pain.

“I wish I could explain how untrue that is, how I’ll never be able to leave you behind. I’ll never be able to just let you go, McKenzie. But as stupid as it sounds, and clichéd as this is, I’m letting you go because I love you so much.” His arms pulled me closer to him, and even though I didn’t want to, I let him bring me in. “I’m going to Montana, and I have no idea how long I’ll be there. This is not the time in your life when you’re supposed to be worried about your boyfriend and his mother. You’re supposed to be young, carefree, live life, and you’re supposed to fall in love, a lot.” He closed what space was left between us, my chest pressing up against his, rainwater running down both our faces. “I want you. I want you so badly, but it’s the most selfish part of me that would keep you tethered to me in that way. The best part of me, the part that loves you and wants nothing but goodness for you, wants you to fall in love with someone else instead of me.”