Instead of You(81)

He looked over at me and met my eyes, saying, “It’s okay. Mom is great now. She bought a ranch. She has horses and pigs and goats and chickens. I’m good, too. The only thing that’s been missing for the last three years is beside me now, so I can’t complain.”

My heart stumbled. And so did I. Literally. My heel caught in a crack in the sidewalk and I would have gone down if Hayes hadn’t reached out and grabbed my arm. He pulled me back up and I was pressed into his chest. His hand was still wrapped around my arm, and my hands were splayed across his front. He didn’t move away and neither did I. I chose to focus, instead, on the way his chest was moving in and out rapidly with his breaths. Also, the way his other hand slid around my waist, pressing me closer to him. My breath caught and before I could stop myself, I let my head lean against him, let my hands run up him, let my fingers curl around his neck, and I held him. My heart started up again when both his hands wrapped around me. His head came low and he pressed his face into my neck, and everything in that moment was perfect.

He smelled the same and he felt the same, if only a little stronger. But he was still my Hayes and he still fit against me perfectly.

After a few long moments he pulled away, but not far. His hands came up to frame my face and he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to my forehead. It was a sweet kiss but I was torn between appreciating the gesture and wishing he’d pressed his lips against my own instead.

My hands rested on his forearms, my thumbs moving over the fabric of his t-shirt. I felt as though there were some invisible force field between us, holding me back. A very large part of me wanted to throw myself at him, to kiss him and be with him, but there was something there that kept me at bay. Fear? Fear that if I let myself be with him for even one night it would end up hurting more in the long run. Or it could have been anger that he’d left me to begin with? I didn’t know exactly what held me back, only that it was a strong force because I was buzzing with need to touch him.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he said, the words slightly mumbled as his mouth was still pressed lightly against me.

“I’ve missed you too,” I said quietly. Then, “Ever since you left,” with a little sting to my voice I couldn’t contain. I pulled away a little, but not enough to break contact because I wasn’t ready to let him go yet. His knees bent and his eyes were suddenly level with my own.

“Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, Kenz. I’ve hated myself every day since, but I didn’t have any other choice.”

I did pull away at his words. “You didn’t have a choice? I didn’t have a choice, Hayes, because you left without giving me one. You made the decision for me. So, don’t pretend like you were forced to leave me behind. You did that.” I stepped away from him and turned, still wobbling in my heels. Not from the drinks or the height anymore, but from the adrenaline pumping through me. But I didn’t get far before he was in front of me again, hands on the outsides of my shoulders.

“You were eighteen, McKenzie. Eighteen. No eighteen-year-old should be tied to a man who couldn’t be there for her. You were going away to college. You were starting a new part of your life and I didn’t want to be the person who held you back from that.”

“You didn’t even ask me what I wanted.” My voice was a whisper.

“And if I had? What would you have said?” He moved in closer, his hands moving up; one stopping on my neck while the other moved to my cheek.

“I wanted you, Hayes. Any way I could have you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“That’s exactly what I was afraid of—that you’d choose me and then eventually, when it didn’t work out, we’d be over.”

“But we’re over anyway, Hayes.”

“Not if I have anything to do with it.” He said the words softly, his thumb running gently over my cheek.

I closed my eyes. My senses were so overwhelmed, adding sight into the mix was overload. His touch, his smell, the sound of his voice pleading with me, deep and raspy, was too much.

The fact of the matter was that I knew why Hayes left, and I never thought it was because he didn’t love me. Quite the opposite, in fact. He loved me enough to let me go. It didn’t really make it hurt any less, but over time, I’d realized that unless I knew he didn’t love me anymore, I’d never fall out of love with him.

I didn’t know what to say, but the silence felt too raw. Luckily, he spoke first.

“Come on, let’s keep walking.”

“Okay,” I said on a breath just before he pressed another kiss to my forehead. Then he turned and his hand smoothed down my arm until it met mine, and he laced our fingers together. He took a step forward, but I pulled his hand back a bit. “Wait a minute.” I reached behind me, bending a way that only girls who wore heels knew how, and pushed the shoes off my feet. I bent, never letting his hand go, and picked up the shoes. I held them up and said, “Not made for long walks.”

He smiled, causing me to smile back, and he gave my hand a squeeze.



We walked for hours, until the sky turned an orangey-pink, slowly making our way through the small college town, passing my apartment three times. I never told him though, because I didn’t want the walk to end. He never let go of my hand, keeping it in his the entire time. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Eventually, though, he caught me yawning.