Frigid Affair(37)

Chapter 15


It took us a while before we went back inside. We didn’t talk. I just sat there with him in silence, hoping and praying he’d be okay.

I waited for him to talk, thinking it was better to let him gather his thoughts. We were both sitting back down on the couch when he began. “Sorry about earlier. It hit me hard. It’s the little damn reminders that kick you when you least expect it.”

“I can’t blame you for freaking out.”

“What’s done is done.” He seemed tougher, like he’d needed to get it out and now he was somehow going to be okay.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s nothing left to tell.”

“How come the news didn’t report the pregnancy?”

“Her body was burned too badly. They didn’t do an autopsy. She left a note at home before doing it. It was a closed case.”

“I had to identify my family from their belongings,” I whispered.

“Yeah, they gave her wedding set back. It’s about all that was left anyway. Did you go to the scene?”

I shook my head. “No. Did you?”

“Yeah. I found her note first. She said she wanted to die where we had our first kiss,” he managed to get out before losing it again. “I knew exactly where to go.”

I put my hand over my mouth, completely flabbergasted as to what to say to comfort him. “Oh my god. Jensen.”

He covered his face with his hands and sniffled. “She wanted to break me like she said I did to her heart. I’d been suspended from the fire department and was headed home from my hearing. They told me I’d have to transfer to another town if I wanted to keep my job. When I refused they said they couldn’t keep me on the schedule because of a conflict of interest with my father-in-law and my ex-best friend. I was so damn pissed. Not only had they taken her side, but they blamed me, as if I was the one who ran out on her. I was prepared to lay into her again. During the drive home I practiced what I was going to say. I tried calling, because I was so worked up I wanted to start even before I got there. You can imagine my surprise to find the note sitting on the kitchen table. It said, ‘you win’, on it. She wrote that I had ruined her life and that if I didn’t want her she couldn’t live anymore. She said goodbye to her family, and to make sure they knew this was all my undoing, and then she finished with the nail in my coffin”

“The part about the first kiss?” I asked.

“Yeah. That part.”

I moved closer to him, wrapping my arm into his again. “You have to know it wasn’t your fault. She did it to herself. If she wasn’t happy she could have told you. Maybe you could have gone to counseling, or worked it out. Blaming yourself for her actions is just ridiculous, Jensen. Don’t you see how convoluted it is? You didn’t kill her. She killed herself. “

“It doesn’t make it any easier.”

“Can I ask you something? It’s probably not a good time for it, but it’s nothing bad. I’m just curious.”

“Go ahead. You can’t hurt me any worse than I’m already feeling.” He laughed at himself. “I’m supposed to be the hero and here you are trying to help me keep it together.”

“When we were together you said it had been a long time for you. Was I the first person you’d been with since…”

He nodded before I was able to finish the sentence. “Yeah. I dated, but it was never physical, I couldn’t bring myself to go through with it, up until I met you. It’s probably why I went a little crazy at the end. I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel so good.”

“But we did, didn’t we? We felt great. It was intense. I mean, it was probably harder for you because you knew who I was the whole time, but for me it was awakening. I’d cut myself off from social situations for so long I couldn’t help myself. It was like I’d become like the wild animals living in the forest. I saw another human being and pounced.”

He looked over at me and concocted the best smile he could. “I’m glad you did. I can’t say I didn’t go through hell afterwards, but it was obviously one of the best things to happen since the …” He didn’t finish saying it. He didn’t have to.

“Sometimes I dream I’m back home and everything is the way it was. I wake up and look around only to realize where I am and how I got there. Every single time it happens I have to take a second and smile. Even if I tried to, I can’t forget them. They’re in here.” I pointed to my heart. “Forever.”

He stood up again, breaking the closeness between us. “I’ve said enough tonight. If it’s alright with you I’m going to head to bed. I’m sure you’d like some time to yourself. I’ll put more wood in the fire before I go. Thanks for listening to me, Amantha. I’m sorry our normal conversation got messed up. I keep telling myself I’m going to be fine. I just never expected this. I didn’t come back for this, and I feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like I don’t deserve him.”

My eyes widened. I sat on my knees as I replied. “You feel like you don’t deserve Christopher? Why would you say that?”

“Look at how my life has turned out. I don’t even have a job.”