Frigid Affair(36)

“I’m sorry, but did you say you were four and a half months pregnant when you found out?”

“Yeah, it’s crazy right?”

“Yeah, crazy. Excuse me.” Jensen stood and stuck his hands in his pockets. He opened his mouth to say something else and then started heading out of the room without doing it.

At first I let it be. I figured he was done talking. It wasn’t like I knew about his moods. We were still strangers.

How weird is it to have a kid with someone you don’t even know?



It took me a few minutes to go looking for where Jensen had gone. I have to say I never expected to find him in the condition he was in, and when I discovered why I was in for a shock.

I searched the kitchen, and then the breezeway. When he wasn’t in either of those places I headed out into the garage thinking maybe he was checking on the generator or doing some manly task men do. Instead I found him sitting on the first step. I couldn’t see his face at first, so I leaned on the doorframe and crossed my arms. “I wondered where you went. Did you come out here to get away from me? It’s not as cold as outside, but it’s definitely too chilly to want to hang out in here for no reason.”

I could immediately hear his voice struggling with words. He sniffled before apologizing. “Sorry. You didn’t have to come looking. I’ll be fine in a minute.”

“Are you okay?” I sank down to the spot next to him.

“I don’t know if I can go through this again, Amantha. If you only knew what it was like before. I wanted that life with her. I wanted us to be a family, but she took it all away from me. She killed him.” His sobbing got worse, so much that I felt the need to put my arm under his for support.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but it’s going to be okay.”

He kept shaking his head. “It’s not that I’ll never forget. I can’t. I won’t.”

“Look, you don’t have to tell me what you’re talking about, but I can’t help you unless I can understand.”

“Save it. I know you don’t want to help. This is the last place you want to be. You’ve made it clear. I appreciate you giving me a chance to know Christopher. I know you think I’m not worthy to be his father. Maybe I’m not. Maybe Alice knew it too.”

“Whoa. What are you talking about? I just said we needed to talk about custody and you spending time with him. I meant that. You’re being silly. I know I said you couldn’t be a part of his life at first, but I was wrong for that. I won’t keep him from you. He needs a man in his life, and what better person for the job than his own father?”

“You don’t understand. Seeing him, hearing your story, it’s tearing me apart.”

“Why?” I had to know what was up. I was beginning to think he was delusional.

Jensen turned to look at me, his eyes filled with painful tears. When he spoke his lips trembled. “Alice. She didn’t just kill herself. She was four and a half months pregnant. We’d just had our first sonogram to see what it was when I found out about the affair. I told her the child wasn’t mine. I told her it couldn’t be because we’d been having unprotected sex for years and I’d never gotten her pregnant. I told her I wasn’t going to be pinned down to raise a kid that wasn’t mine. I hated her for it.”

I suddenly realized that talking about my own pregnancy brought up a lot of things he’d tried to bury. Jensen thought he was sterile. He assumed he couldn’t father a child. Seeing Christopher proved him wrong. That child could have been his too, and knowing it might have changed everything, including the death of so many, my family included.

I felt nauseous as I sat there clung to his side for support. I wanted to slap him; to scream and yell to anyone who would listen. Just when I thought I could look at him without animosity he was bringing another aspect of painful memories into the picture.

I had to continue reminding myself the past couldn’t be altered. “You told me earlier how we couldn’t change what’s already been done, and if we wanted to it would mean Christopher didn’t exist. I know you’re hurting. I can’t imagine what you’re thinking, but I do know there is a little boy upstairs who thinks you’re pretty great. Jensen, we have to stop this. We have to stop being afraid to live. I wish I could tell my parents I love them one more time. I wish I could wrestle around with my little brother just to prove I’m still stronger, but I know it’s never going to happen. I miss them. A part of my heart will ache for them until I take my last breath. People say time heals all wounds, but whoever said that is an *. It doesn’t heal. Time helps it get easier to handle, but you never get over it. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but my little boy, no, our little boy doesn’t have to endure the same fate. He can have two parents that love him for coming into their lives when everything else was gone. We can love him for giving us something to hold onto. He’s a new beginning. I won’t see him as anything else. He’s our hope. When nothing else makes sense, he does.” I was shaking as I said it. The love a mother feels for her child is indestructible. Nothing compares to it. I’d die for him without a second’s thought. I’d do anything to give him the best life. He made my world start spinning again.

It was unexpected but I felt his head leaning against mine. He didn’t speak, but simply sat there with me while he slowly calmed down. I closed my eyes and tried not to shake, although I was trembling. This intense moment between us was emotional and heart wrenching. I can’t begin to fathom what it was like for him to consider he could have been the father to that other baby. It was brutal and crushing. He’d need time, and since we were stuck in a house together until he felt it was safe enough for us to go home, it was going to be hard to give it to him.