Frigid Affair(33)

“I don’t doubt it, but you’re better off here. I don’t need all this space. I came here to start over, hopefully to forge a new friendship with a woman I’ve never been able to forget. I know you don’t feel the same about it, but we’re stuck here, so I’m going to try to make the best of it.”

I shook my head and gave him a flip glance. “Of course you are.”

“Do you blame me?”

I didn’t have to consider his question. “No. If I found out I had a son I’d want to be a part of his life. I can’t be angry at you for wanting that.”

“After the storm you can go back to hating me, Amantha. Just give me the next few days to prove I’m not the monster you see me as. That’s all I’m asking.”

I held out my hand and watched as he took it, shaking it with mine. “I can agree to those terms.”

It would have been okay if he’d let go, but he didn’t. He held onto my hand and pulled me closer, staring down into my desperate eyes. “That night, before I lost my shit, you wanted me just as much as I wanted you. Don’t you ever forget that.”

He was close enough to kiss, so I pulled away quickly before I actually let it happen. “It’s too late. I hardly remember that night,” I lied.

“Keep telling yourself that. While you stew in denial, I’m going to play with the little guy. When I was his age I had my own collection of trucks.”

I watched him head into the other room on his knees, pushing a toy fire engine along the way. Christopher followed him like he was the best thing ever. As hard as it was for me to accept, I knew this had to happen. I was tired of denying it. This man was his father. I lived alone on a mountaintop. I could use the help. We didn’t have to be a couple. He was asking for us to get along because of our child. People did this every day. The circumstances of our encounter no longer mattered, not in the big picture of things. Being hardheaded wasn’t going to win me a mother-of-the-year award, not by anyone’s standards. I wasn’t saying I was all for being a united front, but it was time to put my big girl panties on and accept the things in my life I couldn’t change. Jensen didn’t force Alice to kill herself. Her bad choices led her to that fate. I wasn’t the only person who lost someone I loved. Regardless of all the other details, I had to stop dwelling and live in the now.

While the guys played together quietly, I ventured upstairs where I’d be sleeping. Since I couldn’t bring his whole bedroom just to spend a couple nights somewhere else, he was going to have to sleep in a real bed. I took the pillows from another room and tucked them under the fitted sheet of the bed we were going to be using. I wanted to make sure he wouldn’t roll over and fall off in the middle of the night. Then, just to be extra safe, I pushed a chair over with the back facing the edge of the bed to keep him from going anywhere. I’d been woken up several times with his feet in my face, so I knew all too well how much he could maneuver his way around a queen size mattress.

With the bed in order, I sat down on it, gazing out the large floor to ceiling window at the wintery conditions.

“How did I get here?” I asked myself.

It was a terrible time to have a revelation, but the fact remained; this was where life had led me. I was stuck under the same roof as a man who’d once swept me off my feet, at least for a short while. He was still as handsome as ever, confident, and determined. The fact that he cared enough to want to help me should have been a good sign, but it still wasn’t enough for me to forgive how we’d gotten to this very point. I couldn’t deny the amount of jealousy I felt when I heard him downstairs with the little guy I thought would be only mine forever. I suppose it was immaturity again. It wasn’t like I could contact my parents and ask for their advice. My mother would never be a phone call away. Usually I took pride in making logical decisions, though lately I’d been unable to grasp the difference between right and wrong. A part of me wanted to be back up in my cabin with my son, where we could hide from the rest of the world. Another part of me wanted this for my child. It was obvious this was going to happen. They were already bonding, perhaps even recognizing the unconditional love I’d felt the moment I delivered him. In many ways Jensen needed that little boy as much as me. His soul had been damaged for a long time. He might not show it in his quick actions, but there was probably a part of him that would never recover. The past is an ugly scar we hold in our brain. No matter how much good we try to put on top of it, it still remains.

I couldn’t run away anymore. I’d gone to the furthest place possible, only to come face to face with it again. It was time I battled my demons. If I ever wanted to get over the pain and anguish, I had to let go, or in my case, let someone in.

I took a piping hot shower before dressing and going downstairs. Jensen was in the kitchen. He had Christopher sitting on the countertop with a large wooden spoon and empty pot in front of him. While Jensen stirred something on the stove, my little guy was mimicking him. “Hey, Mommy. Look who is helping me make soup.”

I crossed my arms, biting my tongue about my kid being on a stone counter, feet away from falling on the floor. “I see that.”

“I hope you like vegetable beef, and it’s from a can so don’t get too excited.”

I smirked. “It’s fine. Anything hot will do.”

“Good. I figured it was something he could have too. He does eat people food, right? I wasn’t sure after seeing the slop you fed him for breakfast.”