Forever for a Year(45)

Something was wrong. Something I said. What did I say wrong? Crap! Oh man! I thought about calling her, but I didn’t. I just sat there, staring at my phone, waiting for her to text me, but nothing came. Maybe she fell asleep. How could she sleep? No way she could sleep. She was mad at me.

All my insides scrunched up in this ugly small ball. It hurt. Real pain. Pain. No way would I ever sleep. I just thought about what I could have said wrong. What I did wrong. Everything. I did everything wrong. I got a stupid erection. So dumb. Game of Thrones? That’s a guys’ show! So much cheesy words and lame everything. And then I didn’t say anything to her when we dropped her off.

Oh man … I lost her. I lost the one person I wanted. The one person I needed. I could have gone through my entire life without anyone else but her and now I had lost her.…





35

Carolina goes to Starbucks

When I woke up, there was a text from Trevor. It said how much he liked me, and I texted back within the tiniest second ever that I liked him so much too, and then I thought about how last night was the best night of my life. Did I think last Friday was? Maybe. But last night was definitely better. My gosh. Maybe that’s what love is—maybe every new day is more incredible than the last. It was. With Trevor, it was. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this is happening to me.

Trevor texted me while I was thinking about him, which was always.





TREVOR


I sent that text last night This felt like a weird thing to text, and I started breathing fast because I don’t know why, so I texted:





ME


I just woke up or I would have texted you back the second

I got it last night!

Then I waited, until he texted:





TREVOR


I think I like you too much My heart stopped. STOPPED. He was going to dump me! He was afraid and he was going to dump me and never see me again, but then he texted:





TREVOR


;)

And that wink face was all my heart needed to start beating again, and then I texted back that we should meet and do homework together at two and then he said noon and I said yes, obviously.

I called Kendra and told her about last night. I wanted to tell her about how Trevor’s penis got, you know, but I didn’t want to sound like such a dork. My dad and I watched this documentary last Christmas vacation before I kicked him out about a twelve-year-old girl in New York City and how sophisticated and knowledgeable she was about sex. I was so much older than her but the way this girl talked made me think I was one hundred years younger. She could talk about blow jobs and take Facebook pictures with sexy eyes in just her bra. After watching it, I got in bed with my computer, pulled the covers over my head and looked at porn for the first time. Everyone I knew, even Peggy, had watched porn by then and would talk about it and I would just nod, like I knew what they were talking about. But, I don’t know, to be honest, I was scared. My mom had said to me, “Carrie, I can’t stop you from watching it, but once you watch it, you eventually are going to see things that disturb you and you will never be able to unwatch it.” This was the most terrifying thing my mom had ever said, it made me feel like watching pornography would alter my brain and I would be corrupted forever. But after seeing that twelve-year-old in the documentary, and feeling like such a little girl, I knew I had to grow up and watch porn even if it totally messed me up. So I did. And, so, anyway, it didn’t shock me. Not like I thought it would. Gosh, what you can see in movies and music videos and even commercials was kind of sexier anyway, it’s just these people were naked and having real sex, except they looked fake, and I don’t know, they acted so silly. They just banged and almost never kissed. The shapes, and all the penises and vaginas were definitely super weird and I had to look away and I got this sick feeling two times or maybe more, but I didn’t think my brain melted or anything. Maybe it did screw me up, but I only watched porn one other time with Peggy over the summer and we both laughed but then got uncomfortable and turned it off.

“When we were kissing,” I decided to tell Kendra, “his penis got a hard-on and pressed against my leg.”

“That means he likes you,” she said.

“Really?” I said, but already knew this.

“But don’t have sex with him yet.”

“Kendra! I’m not having sex until college.”

“Yeah, right,” she said.

“Why don’t you believe me?” I had planned this out very carefully!

“Because no one waits that long anymore except really religious people, and they only wait because they fear God will send them to hell if they don’t.”

“Well,” I said, “I’m definitely not having sex until I’m a junior, then.”

Kendra didn’t say anything, which made me think she didn’t believe me, which made me think everything I planned was going to change now that Trevor was my—yes!—boyfriend. It was scary, but I was becoming mature very fast so it wasn’t that scary. Right?

*

My mom drove me to Starbucks at eleven thirty-six a.m. On the way, she said, “Don’t let this boy get in the way of your schoolwork.”

“I’m going to meet him to do homework, Mom.”

“Okay, just make sure you get work done.”