Forever for a Year(44)

“Yes,” I said, and tried to swallow my excitement before I jumped up on the couch and danced or something, and then I kissed him, and he kissed me, and gosh.





34

Trevor can’t be careful

By the time Carolina and I finished making out, our faces were red and wet with sweat and spit. It would have been gross to outside people, but to us, I think, it was great. I didn’t know what the hell to do with all my stupid smiling, so I just ignored it and hoped Carolina didn’t find me too dorky doing it.

As she put her shoes back on, I said, “It really sucks I have to wait until Monday to see you again.”

“Let’s meet tomorrow and study together,” she said the instant I was done talking.

“I love how you just say things.”

“Gosh, I’m sorry. I just say what I say sometimes without thinking.”

“No, Carolina, I really love it,” I said, scooting next to her and taking her hand in mine. I don’t even know why, but whatever. Screw it. I knew why: I didn’t want her to feel bad about herself for even one second. Not one second.

“Kendra says boys don’t like it. They like to be in control.”

“Yeah, no … I think boys that aren’t strong like to be in control, but boys that are strong, they like strong girls.” I stood up. Maybe to feel tall. Or strong. I don’t know.

“So you like strong girls?” she asked, standing up next to me, looking at me as if she really wanted to know the answer.

“I like you, and you’re like the strongest girl I’ve ever met.”

“Thanks…” But she wasn’t that excited at being the strongest girl I’ve ever met, so I said, “You’re strong with your mind and your personality, but you’re also super pretty.”

“I like when you say that,” Carolina said.

“I mean it.”

“No one—I mean, my dad and brother have, but no boy—has ever called me pretty before.”

“You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever met, Carolina.” She kissed me quick on the lips, then engulfed my body with her arms and just held on. I didn’t let go. It felt like we just stood there, silent, hugging in my basement for hours. But it was only a few minutes. Then my dad pounded on the basement door and said it was time for Carolina to go home. We got in his BMW, which I wanted Carolina to think was cool but then I didn’t and then I did again.

Her house was in the older part of town and was small, but it was nice. Maybe. I could only see it from the outside. It was one story and had only one outside light and a one-car garage behind the house. It’s sort of stupid that kids get to live in nice houses if their parents are rich and have to live in smaller houses or no houses if their parents aren’t that rich. Stupid and confusing. Whatever.

After we parked, I walked Carolina to her front door. I kissed her and hugged her good-bye. We didn’t say anything, but maybe we didn’t need to. We just knew what we had was awesome.

As I walked back to my dad’s car, I felt like my body had been chopped in half. I know how that sounds. Trust me, I’m the last person that would think he would get all gushy and strange about falling for a girl. And, crap, you know what? I have to just admit it. I loved her. If this wasn’t love, I don’t what else it could be, right? I literally felt my skin itch to run back and grab her again. My brain couldn’t stop thinking about her or imagine not being with her. It was flooded, like, really flooded, like, I could feel it gushing and overflowing with thoughts and images of her. Things she said, the way she looked at me, little things. Everything. If that’s not love, what the hell is it? Tell me! Because I don’t want to be in love! Man! Why did I do this to myself! She’s going to stop liking me or start being mean or die or hurt herself and then my life will be worse than it ever was. So much worse.

Man, please … stop, Trevor … stop thinking so much bad all the time.… Come on. Stay positive. Don’t wreck this, please.… Please, Trevor …

“Trevor,” my dad said in the driver’s seat, halfway back home.

“Yeah?” I said, but could only half listen with my brain filled with only Carolina.

“Things can go pretty fast with a first love, so just be careful. For both of you,” he said, and I hated him saying it. For one, why did he think this was love? And screw him for being right, and screw him for telling me what to do. But I didn’t say anything. I just nodded so he wouldn’t say anything more to piss me off.

What I want to know is how are you supposed to be careful when you feel like this? If I pretend I don’t want to see her every stupid second of every stupid day, then she’ll think I don’t like her and I’ll lose her or be a liar or both … so how? How can you? Because I don’t see how I can do anything but just be with her and think about her and kiss her and everything else whenever I can. If I were to try to do anything else, if I were to be “careful,” I should just kill myself because my love for Carolina was the first thing in my entire existence that felt real. And true. And worth it.

When I got home, I texted:





ME


I like you so much

Because I had to text her something. Had to. Just as I had to breathe, I had to text her something. But I didn’t want to text her “I love you” because I didn’t want to freak her out. And then I waited for her to text me back, maybe she would say I love you because Carolina is so bold like that, but she could also text me back how much she likes me or anything, even just a smiley face, but she didn’t … she didn’t text me anything.