Forever for a Year(40)

As I walked toward the entrance of the restaurant, I couldn’t believe I wore a sports jacket. So dumb. So pointless. So uncool. I would take it off once I got inside. But Carolina was already there. Sitting on the bench in the prettiest black dress I had ever seen. When she saw me, she leaped to her feet and hugged me. I liked her body being next to mine. It felt so comfortable. Even though it shouldn’t. It should feel strange to hug someone; it should feel awkward and claustrophobic. But not with Carolina. Our hug felt even more natural than standing by myself. That sounds stupid. But screw it. It was a fact.

“You look really nice,” I said.

“You do too,” Carolina said, and the way she said it with her eyes so big and alive made me feel like I could do anything as long as she liked me. Then I couldn’t think of what else to say, so I turned to the host and asked for a table. He led us to a back table by the window. All the other people at the restaurant were families and old people (like, in their twenties). Maybe I should have taken Carolina to a nicer place for our first date. But I didn’t want to seem like a snob. Most fancy food doesn’t taste nearly as good as it should. But pizza is always good. The best. Especially Lou Malnati’s. It’s deep-dish, which Chicago is famous for. The only good part about Chicago so far. Besides Carolina.

After we sat down, we both looked at our menus. I would look at her over the top of mine and she would see me looking at her but instead of glancing back down she would laugh a little laugh. It made me laugh all three times it happened. I never laugh. I felt like an idiot but I liked it, and I didn’t know what that meant.

We ordered a small salad to share, then a Coke, a Diet Coke, and a medium pepperoni and mushroom pizza. And then … we had to talk. Crap. What would we talk about? She was smiling, seeming so happy, but it wouldn’t last forever. If I didn’t find something interesting to talk about, she would stop smiling.

“I, uh…” I began. Why did I open my mouth if I had nothing ready to say? But then Carolina saved me.

She said, “This is really special.”

“I could have taken us someplace nicer for our first date—”

“This is perfect.”

Goddamn, she was good at this. I didn’t know what the hell to say, and she was saying all the right things. Say something. Crap. Say something.

But Carolina spoke first. “So how did your cross-country race go? We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“No. We can. I got eleventh.”

“That’s great!” she said. She was so positive. Maybe too positive.

“I should have done better. I screwed up and started too fast and then couldn’t keep up the pace.”

“That sounds so hard.”

“Yeah … it’s, I don’t know, I’m not sure I even like it. Do you always like soccer?”

“Yes. I mean, not every second. But I love it. Plus Peggy and Kendra are there, and they’re my best friends.”

“Are things with Peggy and you okay?” I asked, but regretted it. I shouldn’t ask personal stuff. She would think I was prying and hate me.

“Yeah,” she said, and nodded her head quickly, but she couldn’t look in my direction. I should have never asked about Peggy and then Carolina said, “It’s hard to talk to you.”

CRAP. I totally screwed up everything. Fix it, Trevor! “I’m sorry. I just wanted … No, I suck, I’m sorry…”

“No, I love that you asked. You have this great ability to know what’s wrong and I want to talk to you about it, because I want to talk about stuff that’s not just easy stuff to talk about. But I want to sound composed for you, and I’m always so emotional, and I don’t want you to think I’m a mess but I also don’t want to be fake so that’s why it’s hard … Oh my gosh, I’m talking so much.”

“I like it,” I said.

“You do?”

“Yes. I like how fast your brain works.”

“You do?” she said. Tears, happy tears I think, welled in the corners of her eyes.

“Yeah.”

“You’re sooo nice to me, Trevor. I don’t know if it’s real.”

“You’re so nice to me,” I said.

“But you’re so easy to be nice to!”

“Only because you’re so easy to be nice to first.”

Carolina took in a deep breath, as if she were about to jump off the diving board, “Trevor, I really, really like you.”

“I really, really like you, Carolina.” I knew we were being so cheesy I’d throw up if I was watching this on TV, but I didn’t care. It felt really good. “Carolina…” I started.

“Yes?”

Except I didn’t know what else I was going to say. Was I going to tell her I … No. Not going to say that. That would be fricking crazy. Dammit. Calm down, Trevor. Say something else now. “I want to hear everything you have to say about everything,” and this sounded pathetic, but she liked it. Maybe when someone really likes you, you can’t say anything wrong. Who the hell knows.

*

She told me about Peggy. How they weren’t talking now and that it was because of me. But she made sure I knew that it wasn’t my fault and that she wouldn’t trade anything for me. I told her about Lily, how great she was, and almost told her about my pain-in-the-ass mom, but decided not to. Maybe I’d tell Carolina about my screwed-up family someday, but only after I was sure she would never stop liking me.