Forever for a Year(43)

Oh. Crap.





33

Carolina stops kissing Trevor

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE.

I stopped kissing him. I almost laughed. THANK GOD I DIDN’T LAUGH. Because I was scared. I was too young to feel what I just felt! I mean, maybe not if Shannon Shunton was having sex, but this was … I don’t know. But it was something! Right? What did this mean? Does this always happen when you kiss boys?

“I’m sorry,” he said, and pulled away, off of me, and sat up. He looked so sad. I made him feel so sad!

“I…” But that’s all I could say. Carolina, say something so he doesn’t feel so sad!

“It’s just that I like kissing you.…”

“I like kissing you.” And I did! But then—

“I didn’t think it would happen,” he said.

“You’re the first boy I’ve ever really kissed, Trevor.”

“I kind of thought that,” he said. Oh, he thinks I’m so immature. I shouldn’t have stopped kissing him! I should have just pretended I knew what I was doing!

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Carolina, you shouldn’t be sorry. I just don’t want you to think … I don’t know. I like you.”

“I like you!”

“And I was thinking it…” His eyes glanced down toward his pants. “… wouldn’t get like that because we would just kiss. Just romantic kissing.”

“It’s not romantic to you?” I asked. He didn’t think it was romantic kissing. Why was I such a dork?

“No, it was … but it was also really exciting. Really, really exciting…” But he said the word “exciting” like he hated it, but I think I was starting to figure out what he was feeling. Which was amazing. It was almost like I could read his thoughts.

“I like that you, it, got like that,” I said, and tried to be really serious but I think I laughed a little, which was good, maybe, because he laughed a little.

“I know I’m a year older, but I’ve only had one girlfriend … and it would get like this but only after we had been dating, like, four months. We never kissed this way. It was different.”

“Do you want to kiss the way you did with her?”

“No! No, no, no … Carolina, I mean I didn’t realize how much I liked kissing until now that I’ve kissed you,” he said, and this was the BEST THING ANY BOY, I am sure, HAS EVER SAID TO ANY GIRL EVER, and I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to cry, but happy cry. But I didn’t want him to think I was crazy, so I just sat there and looked at him because I loved him so much I wanted to die. But not die! To live forever and ever with him.

“You’re the greatest boy in the world, Trevor,” I finally managed to say, and it felt so emotional it made me vulnerable, but I decided I didn’t care.

“You say perfect things, and do perfect things, and look perfect, and I can’t believe you like me,” he said.

“That was the perfect thing to say!” I said.

“We are so lucky. I’ve never felt lucky in my life, but I feel so lucky.…”

“Me too.” Then we stared at each other, and I loved looking into his eyes in the dark, with only the light of the television. It made me feel we were in our own world. Then we didn’t say anything again for a long time and I wondered if we entered a dream, but that was silly, and then Trevor said, “Can I kiss you again?”

“Yes.” And then I said, “But is it okay if we only kiss?”

“Oh, I never … I would never…” Trevor felt horrible. He couldn’t look at me anymore.

“I know. I know,” I said, and I didn’t know what else to say and I didn’t want him to be sad again, so I leaned in and kissed him. I’d planned to kiss him slower, but I didn’t like kissing him slower, I liked kissing him fast, because it made my whole body tingle and my head light, which was okay because I was lying down again, and he was on top of me again and then I felt it against my leg again.…

Okay, I’ll say it. Gosh. I feel so stupid saying it, but if I’m going to grow up, I should say it, I guess. I felt his … penis … which, you know, was excited … against my leg.… Gosh. That is SO WEIRD TO SAY! But I’d read about this a lot, and yes, I’d seen stupid porn. I’m not, like, a baby, but, you know, it’s just different when it’s actually happening. And even though he had his pants on and we were still just kissing and he hadn’t even touched my boobs—would I like if he touched my boobs? I didn’t even know, but I was glad he was waiting—and anyway, this was a very big deal that I felt my first penis even if I only felt it with my thigh and not my hand and he still had pants on. Then I paused from kissing him, because his penis made me think, which made me say, “Why haven’t you asked me to be your girlfriend?”

And Trevor said, “Oh, I, uh…”

He didn’t want me to be his girlfriend. Oh, oh, oh, oh, but I didn’t want to lose him, so I said, “It’s okay, we don’t have to call each other ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’—”

But then HE said, “No, Carolina. I just thought you were my girlfriend probably before we even talked. I definitely want you to be my girlfriend. Will you be my girlfriend?”