Forever for a Year(41)

*

Carolina offered to pay for some of the pizza, but I wouldn’t let her. I felt like a gentleman even though it was my dad’s money. Then we started walking home. I had been planning the walk home since Thursday, so nothing would go wrong.

First thing: after we left the restaurant, I would take her hand into mine and we would walk holding hands. Except as soon as we left Lou Malnati’s, she crossed her arms. Maybe she was cold. Or maybe she didn’t want me to take her hand. Probably. Who knows. No matter what, no way I could do it now.

Second part of my plan: we were going to walk home through the park, then over the train tracks, and then, when we were on the train tracks, I was going to stop her and say, “Can I kiss you?” This girl I kissed last spring in California—Lisa—I had asked her, and she laughed at me and said I should never ask a girl, but I don’t know. I like to ask. Isn’t it polite to ask? And the train tracks would be very memorable, I thought. Except I hadn’t thought about her being in heels and she couldn’t walk on the gravel along the tracks, so we had to turn around and walk back to the crossing on the street, which was too busy with traffic. I wasn’t going to kiss her with a bunch of cars driving by and who-knows-who watching.

So then we were in Covered Bridges and it felt stupid to kiss her in this cookie-cutter village, and I worried I would never kiss her. As I was obsessing about this, Carolina nudged closer to me and grabbed my hand and …

Make your move, Trevor!

We walked for a dozen steps or so. It felt so right. So powerful. Like we were two people joined together to take on the world, even though we were walking in a stupid safe suburban development. Then I stopped walking, but I couldn’t look at her. Just ask her! This is strange to stop and not look at her! So I turned toward her, and her eyes were waiting for me.

“Carolina … can I kiss you?”





31

Carolina gets her second kiss

“Yes,” I said, or I think I did. Wait a minute. Did I? Maybe I just nodded. But even though I had said it or nodded or something, HE STILL HADN’T KISSED ME! So I said, “Yes, you can kiss me.” That sounded so terrible. Like I was a queen or a prude. But maybe not that much time had passed since he asked and maybe I don’t know what I said because suddenly he closed his eyes and started moving his head toward mine, and—I should close my eyes, right?—I closed my lips too and then, because I couldn’t see anything, I waited the longest one second ever, and then his lips touched mine. And we pressed our mouths together, and I didn’t know what else to do and I don’t think he did either, so we pulled away and opened our eyes.

I said, “That was amazing,” and it WAS but only because it was a kiss with a boy I liked so much, because, really, it was nothing like I imagined. It felt very weird and not romantic and like we had just pressed our lips together but hadn’t really kissed. Just dry and like kissing a friend’s cheek. But maybe that’s how it feels? Oh my gosh, that will be so sad. I’ll never want to kiss any boys that much and then I’ll be alone and, maybe— “Carolina?” Trevor asked. “I don’t think … I’m sorry … I was…”

“Why are you sorry?” I said, calm, but really, I was like: HE WAS SORRY HE KISSED ME!

“I had this plan and I didn’t do the plan so I think I was nervous, it didn’t feel right and so…”

“What are you saying?” Don’t cry, Carolina. Don’t cry. He’s about to tell you he doesn’t like you anymore because your kissing was so terrible so be ready and DO NOT CRY.

“Can I try kissing you one more time?”

“Oh my gosh, I thought you were going to say something else. Oh my gosh, yes. I want to kiss again.” And then he kissed me while I was talking and his lips were opened this time and so were my lips and so it wasn’t like they were just pressing into each other, but instead our mouths were wet and they slid across each other, and over each other’s lips, and then our mouths closed and then opened again and kissed again, and now I could feel his tongue, so I pressed my tongue against his, and gosh, this was so intense, I felt like our mouths were eating each other but it was exciting and I wanted to eat him more and him to eat me, and my head got light and I grabbed on to his shoulders so I wouldn’t fall, which pulled us tighter together, and he put his right arm around my back and pulled me even closer than that. And we kept kissing, our mouths rolling into and over each other, and our tongues touching, and I could feel saliva going down my chin but I didn’t care, I just wanted to keep him near me.

I opened my eyes, which you’re not supposed to do, I read, but I wanted to see his face, and his eyes were closed and he was so close, like we had two bodies but one brain, and it was sooo weird, but also sooo nice to feel so close, and then he opened his eyes and our eyes stared into each other from one inch away and our kissing slowed down, and we just hovered close to one another.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” I said.

“That was better,” he said.

“That was the best kiss in the history of the world,” I said.

He laughed. “I like you so much, Carolina. I didn’t even know it was possible.”

“Me too,” I said, and kissed him, but just a little one, then pulled away. He had saliva on his chin, and I wiped it away with my hand without even thinking about it.