Forever for a Year(48)

After a while, we stopped kissing and just gazed at each other. Deeper, longer than we ever had. I could see everything inside her, and I think she saw me too. Then Carolina said, “You’re crying.” And crap, I realized my eyes had started tearing. I wiped them away and looked down. “Is something wrong?” she asked.

“I’m happy,” I said.

“You cry when you’re happy?”

“I guess I do, sometimes.”

“Me too, sometimes,” Carolina said. She kissed the corners of my eyes. Of course she did.





37

Carolina has a new dream

So, wait a minute. Okay?

I wasn’t this girl who only dreamed of getting married someday, and planning my wedding day, all that stuff. No. Not me! At all! Even before my dad cheated on my mom and I had to kick him out, it’s not like I thought marriage was this amazing thing that should be my number one dream. Even when I was, like, five, I knew I wanted to be my own boss and do great things. For a long time, I thought I would be a doctor. Just because they were so important and I watched them tell my mom what to do and I knew I wanted to be the one telling other people what to do. I know this sounds like I’m a bitch, but I’m not. I just know I have really good ideas and I’m nice and I work very hard. Shouldn’t those types of people be in charge? I think so. Anyway, then in junior high I took science and I wasn’t very good at it. My mom said not all doctors have to be great at science, but I started thinking I would be a soccer coach instead. My mom told me women coaches can’t make very much money, and it’s not like money is the most important thing, but if I’m going to work as hard as I do, I want to make sure my family doesn’t have to worry about money like my mom does. (My dad doesn’t worry about money. He says he’s more concerned with his soul and his brain, but I think he can only worry about those things because my mom worries about the money.)

So at the end of eighth grade, it was no to coaching and probably no to being a doctor. And then I started hearing about women like Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg, and I realized that I wanted to do what they do. Be in charge at a big company where I could be on television and be an example to other girls of a woman who is smart and strong. I didn’t want to be famous like actresses are—just for being pretty. I wanted to be someone people respected and listened to because I sounded wise, but in a humble way.

And that’s totally still true. But ever since Trevor and I became a couple … gosh. I also thought about getting married and having kids and going to birthday parties and on vacation as a family. Like I was sure Trevor’s family did. It just sounded so fun and easy. I’d still work, obviously, but I would teach high school or something and then I’d have lots of time off to be with my family. Trevor could work the same job as his dad, and we would make plenty of money. We would be so happy. So happy. Oh my gosh, I wanted to be twenty-four and married and living in a big house right now. Right! Now!

*

Wait a minute. Okay? I wasn’t that serious.

A little bit.

Okay, maybe a lot. But I wasn’t going to say anything to Trevor. It had only been, like, three weeks since we became girlfriend and boyfriend. But already every freshman knew we were together, and even though neither of us was the most popular by ourselves, Kendra said we were the most popular couple in ninth grade. Not that popularity is that important. It’s not. But just like Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg were changing the world because they’re famous (which is just being popular on a really big scale, right?), maybe Trevor and I could use being the most popular couple to make the school a better place. Like, show people how nice we were and what love can do and … yep, for sure, right?

We would change the school, then go to college together, and get married, and have kids, and by being perfect, amazing parents, our kids would grow up and change the world. I could see it. I could see it even more clearly than I ever saw being CEO of a big company or a doctor or any other dream I’ve ever had.

*

Homecoming was October 13, which was only two weeks away, and Trevor hadn’t asked me yet. I wasn’t that worried. I mean, maybe if my life was a horror movie where the girl falls in love with the greatest boy in the world who spends every day talking and texting with her only he’s secretly a crazy mean monster planning on dumping her after every other person has a date, then I would be worried. Would that even be a horror film or just a really sad Disney Channel movie? I didn’t know. It didn’t matter. I knew Trevor was going to ask me. It was just when, and WHY WAS HE MAKING ME WAIT SO LONG? But really, it was okay.

And then, on Saturday morning, my mom woke me up and said there had been a delivery for me. Oh. My. Gosh. I mean, I had gotten stuff from Amazon before, books mostly, but never a delivery for me from someone else. So I put on some sweatpants and ran to the front door and there, waiting on the front steps, were two dozen red roses and a big note that read, Will you go to homecoming with me? —Trevor and I screamed, and even my mom smiled. I always thought flowers were such a dumb gift, like how could I use flowers to have fun or be smarter? But now that I’d gotten my first flowers from a boy, I could see why they were such a great thing to get. I can’t explain why. I mean, maybe because they were so beautiful, and soft, and alive, and could only mean that a boy loved you? Maybe. I loved them even if I couldn’t think of why I loved them.