Forever for a Year(52)

“All you do is kiss?” she said. She didn’t believe me. I mean, yes, we went up each other’s shirts and we kind of caressed each other over our jeans and stuff, but it was really just kissing—I mean, not really just kissing, but it wasn’t sex or anything like that, so I said, “Yes! Just kissing! You think I’m a ho? I’m not a ho, Mom!”

“Ho? I’ve never heard you use that word before.”

“Other kids use it. I never do because I’ve always done everything you want. And I still do, but you make me feel bad about myself.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, and her face grew very still, like she had been slapped. I hate when I make my mom feel hurt.

“Mom, I’m growing up, but I’ll be okay, I promise, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You are the greatest mom. You give me lots of good advice. I promise. Okay?”

“Okay,” she said. She was too sad to talk anymore. Only my dad and I could make her like this. My brother was always so nice to her. He never hurt her feelings like this. But I couldn’t stress about both making my mom feel better AND making Trevor love me forever, so I just drove with her in silence until she dropped me off.

*

After we ate Indian food with Lily on the main floor (Trevor’s parents had gone out to dinner and left us to babysit), we watched Finding Nemo on DVD with her and then Trevor told her it was time for bed.

“Okay, I’ll go to bed,” Lily said, “but, Carolina, can you please tuck me in?”

“Of course,” I said, and she took me by the hand upstairs to her bedroom. Her room was a hundred times bigger than mine with new fancy furniture and for a second I was jealous, but then I didn’t want to be jealous so I stopped. After Lily got into her pajamas, she leaped onto the bed, flung up the covers, and slid inside.

“You’re my favorite girl in the world,” Lily said.

“You’re my favorite too,” I said, which was true. I think.

“Are you going to marry Trevor so we can be best friends when we are grown-up?”

“Maybe. We are only freshmen.” I couldn’t possibly tell her that I wanted to MARRY HIM TOMORROW.

“I know. You’re right. I’m so hilarious,” she said. “It’s just that Trevor was so sad before he met you. All the time. And now he’s happy, and I want him to be happy forever.”

“He makes me so happy too,” I said. I wanted to ask why he was sad before me, but I couldn’t say the words. I don’t even know why. Maybe I didn’t want to know? Why wouldn’t I want to know?

“I love you, Carolina. Good night.” Lily hugged me and then flopped down onto the bed.

“I love you too.” I then patted down the covers and turned off the light.

By the time I got down to the basement, Trevor had fallen asleep. At first I was upset because I thought it meant he didn’t want to spend time with me. But then I remembered he’d had a big day and I liked that he could rest with me there. We were so close he could sleep in front of me. It made me feel so mature. I watched him sleeping for a long time, maybe a minute, and thought about how much I loved him, and then I wanted to be near him and not just watch him. I lifted his arm up so I could snuggle next to him. Except that woke him up. He jerked up, embarrassed.

“I’m so sorry, I…”

“You look cute when you sleep,” I said as I sat next to him and wrapped my arms around him.

“Thank you for being so great with Lily,” he said.

“I love her,” I said, which felt weird to say to him. We hadn’t told each other “I love you,” but I was saying I loved his sister? And while I was thinking about this, he kissed me. Oh gosh, I loved kissing Trevor. But tonight I was going to do more than kissing.





40

Trevor has a talk with his mom

After the race, my parents took Carolina and Lily home. I had to stay and watch the varsity meet and take the bus home with the team. Todd Kishkin got third in the varsity race. His time was better than mine by over a minute, but I still won and he finished third. I didn’t say anything except in my own head. Both varsity and junior varsity teams finished second out of twelve teams. On the drive back, Pasquini told us it was the best our school had ever done at the invitational in the thirty-two years we had been going.

Back at school, my mom was waiting for me in her Infiniti. By herself. No Dad, no Lily, no Carolina.

“Where’s Carolina?” I asked.

“We dropped her off at her house. You’ll get to see her tonight.”

“Where’s Dad and Lily?”

“I wanted to talk to you alone,” she said. Fantastic. My mother wanted to “talk.” Alone. I didn’t even know what that meant to her.

“What about?”

“It’s not a bad thing, Trevor. I … just wanted to talk about some stuff I know your dad won’t talk to you about.” Now I was getting frustrated.

“Like what?” She made everything so goddamn difficult.

“Can you please not be so defensive? I’m trying to be a good mom. But also … a mom that’s not clueless.”

“Fine. Let’s talk. Talk.”

“Let’s get something to eat. What do you want?”