Forever for a Year(56)

I said, “I just want you to be happy.”

And he said, “I just want you to be happy.” Because he is perfect and too perfect and I have to be perfect or I’ll lose him.

So I said, “Do you want to do other stuff?”

He said, “I like just kissing you.” Which was the exact right thing to say. Because kissing felt good and not scary and everything else felt scary in my head. But then he stopped kissing me again and said, “Do you want to do other stuff?”

Which was nice, but it made me think he didn’t want to just kiss. Maybe he did. Maybe he was just being super nice. But why would a girl want to do anything besides kissing? What could I say? I didn’t want to be a prude. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY! So I said, “I just want you to be happy,” again.

And he said again, “I just want you to be happy.” Then we went back to kissing, except I wasn’t that happy anymore and I don’t think he was happy, so I stopped our kissing. Again.

“Trevor…”

“Yes?”

“I…” But then I kissed him, fast and wild, and turned off my brain and turned off the brain in my hand and then it reached down along his stomach and my fingers stopped at the top of his jeans. Just inside. I could feel the edge of his underwear. Oh. My. Gosh. Then I kept pushing my hand until it was just under his underwear. Oh. My. GOSH. And he was kissing me harder and it felt exciting and I couldn’t see anything and I don’t know.





42

Trevor …

Stop her, Trevor. Stop her. Your mom told you to talk to her. So talk to her. Stop her. But feeling her fingers against my skin, under my underwear … It tingled everywhere. My whole body shivered, but didn’t shiver, just shivered under my skin, inside my body. My breath stopped. I sucked in my stomach. Because of the tingle. And maybe because I wanted to give her hand more room to move, to go farther. If I undid my jeans, she would have more room. But I could never do that. That would be such a jerk thing to do. So I should stop. My mom was right. My mom is not as broken and pathetic as I thought. She’s smart, she knows things … I should stop Carolina … but her hand feels so good, her hand hasn’t even touched it but it feels so good having her fingers so close.…





43

Carolina …

I touched the top. Weird! Feels weird! It was smooth … wet. Maybe sticky? Oh my God, did he pee? No. No. Maybe he went already? I don’t know. I don’t know!

His hips were gyrating faster than usual. He liked it. He liked it. Oh my gosh, I was doing a good job. I reached farther down and my fingers went along the side. Weird, weird, weird. And then I grabbed it. And he grunted. Grunted? Or was that a moan. What’s a moan? Why is there not a big instruction manual about this!

It felt very soft. I mean, it was … you know … hard … but the actual skin of his … penis … it was soft. So soft. Not like other parts of his body. Or my body. So weird. It felt like an alien. Maybe that’s wrong. Like, I’m sure it’s normal. But it was different. So different. I just held it. I didn’t know what to do. In the porn, the woman moved her hand, but I couldn’t move my hand because my wrist was pinned by the waist of his jeans. Not really move it anyway. And wouldn’t that hurt? So I just held it. And he was moving back and forth on top of me, so I guess my hand was moving a little. Or it was moving a little inside my hand.…

This is a hand job, right? Right? I was doing it, right? Right?





44

Trevor …

Carolina was … grabbing it. It felt so … intense … so intense … My head was draining of all thoughts and all its brains and all that was left was that tingle, the tingle in my body filling my head, getting bigger and bigger and bigger … I needed to move, I needed to kiss her, I needed to move … I needed to grab her, so my fingers gripped her under her shoulder blades—did that feel okay for her?… I needed to move … move, move, move, move, move, move, needed to move so that I could …

*

I knew, from what I’d read on the internet, that most boys my age were masturbating a lot by now. At least they were saying they were. But … And yeah, I had looked at porn a bunch, but, and this may make me sound like a dork or whatever, it didn’t do anything for me. It was cool. I guess. I don’t know. But, like, I didn’t get an erection. Is that strange? How could I really know? You can’t talk to your friends about this and I hadn’t had any friends, not real ones, for almost two years because of my mom and moving. So I just played video games and kissed only that one girl between Dakota and Carolina. With Dakota I never felt anything like this, but I was thirteen and I didn’t really care about doing anything with her.

Crap. Okay. Listen. So. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I had never …

I had woken up three times in the morning after … a wet dream. What a lame name for it. But it’s not like I remember it. Not really. But besides those wet dreams, I had never … come. Cum. Come. Whatever. I mean, I had erections and I touched myself, but just never all the way … Am I a dork? Who knows? Who cares …

It’s just that right now, right this very second, my whole body was like a speeding car going two hundred miles per hour and I swear it was levitating off the couch and the only thing that was holding me down from floating away was Carolina and her hand around my … that’s … I should stop … No way, no way, just move and move and move and move and …