Forever for a Year(61)

“But I do want you to.”

“Carolina, I think you just want me to because you want to make me happy. I don’t want to be one of those boyfriends who only does sex stuff with his girlfriend that makes him feel good. I want you to like it too.”

Carolina got quiet for a second, then her eyes started watering. But it was the good kind. She said, “Gosh, I love when you say stuff like that, Trevor.…”

“I mean it.”

“I know,” she said, then she grabbed my hand and pushed it toward the top of her jeans. And I reached down and felt her pubic hair and she gasped.

“Is that okay?” I asked.

“Yes. It just is sensitive when you touch it for some reason. I like it,” she said. Then I tried to reach farther, except her jeans were too tight.

“Can I take off your jeans?”

“I’ll be naked!”

“You’ll have your underwear on.”

“I’ll be almost naked.”

“I’ll take my jeans off too.”

“But no sex, right?”

“Carolina, I promise we will never have sex.”

“Not never, just not for a long time, okay?”

“I promise,” I said, and then I unzipped her jeans and slid them off. She was naked except for her underwear. Then she undid my jeans and pulled them off. I had to help at the end because I’m taller. So I was naked except for my underwear too. I looked at her whole body, up and down, and caressed it with my right hand. She shivered any time I got near her underwear. I didn’t feel like I was real anymore. I felt like I was watching a movie of my life. “So it’s okay if I touch you?”

“You are touching me,” she said.

“I meant touch you there.”

“I know. I was kidding. I’m nervous.”

“Me too,” I said.

“You’re not nervous! You’re a boy!” She was smiling but also kind of yelling.

“Boys can be nervous too!” So I smiled and kind of yelled too.

“But you don’t have to do anything!”

“I have to do it right!”

“You do everything right,” she said, then kissed me so I couldn’t say anything. That’s when I reached between her legs and pulled away her underwear. I’d read several articles about how to give a girl an orgasm. They said most girls can’t come from putting your fingers inside but now that I had my fingers there, I wanted to go inside. So I pushed one finger inside and she clenched.

“Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” she said.

“I can tell you’re lying, Carolina.”

“I’m not lying. It feels okay.”

“Don’t lie, please,” I said.

“It feels weird.… I don’t know.…”

“Okay. I won’t do that.” Then I took my finger out and tried to do what I’d read, which was find the clitoris. I had no idea what it would feel like or look like or what it was at all. Not really. So I just moved my fingers around on the outside where it was wet. Carolina seemed to shiver again, which was better than clenching up. “So how’s that?” I said.

“That’s better,” she said, and she was lying on her back and her whole upper body was stiff, so I don’t think she liked it that much. Her hands gripped on to the couch like she was afraid of what might happen next. Her legs kept twitching every time I moved around my fingers. Which maybe was good, but I couldn’t really tell.

After five minutes, she said, “Okay, I feel good.”

“Did you orgasm?” I asked.

“I don’t know.”

“How would you know?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I did.”

“How do you know you didn’t?” I asked. I felt like such a failure.

“I don’t know, Trevor. Let me touch you now.”

“No, I don’t want you to.” Which was a big goddamn lie. She knew it was so she just grabbed me anyway. So I kissed her. She kissed me. And then, you know, she used her hand to make me go.

*

Afterward, as we were lying there, naked except for our underwear, I said, “I love you so much, Carolina.”

“Even though I couldn’t orgasm?”

“It was my fault you couldn’t.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was my fault.”

“It was my fault, Carolina. You’re perfect. I didn’t know what to do.”

“I didn’t know what to do either.”

“But you knew what to do to make me finish, so it’s my job to know what to do to make you finish.”

She said, “I think boys are easier to finish than girls.”

“Maybe, but it’s still my job to know how.”

She said, “How about it’s both our jobs to figure it out but neither of us can feel bad if it doesn’t happen until we are twenty years old?”

This was smart, but all I could say was, “You really think it could take that long?”

“I don’t know!” she yelled, but not smiling this time.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. This was amazing but it was fast and I’m nervous and I feel bad.”