Forever for a Year(62)

“Don’t feel bad.”

“Okay. I love you too, Trevor.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you sooo much.”

“I love you sooo much more,” I said, but she didn’t say it again. She just snuggled her body against mine. Which was nice. I guess.





49

Carolina hears from Shannon Shunton

On Sunday night, after I had gotten into bed, I thought about how Trevor and I had gotten almost naked. How he had touched me. How it didn’t feel that good. It did, kind of, but more weird than good. Maybe I should do it myself, but then I put my hand down there and it just felt so ridiculous to do it myself that I pulled my hand away. My phone beeped. It had to be Trevor, and I’d rather text with Trevor than, you know, do that.

Except the text was from Shannon Shunton:





SHANNON SHUNTON


How was homecoming?

My brain was racing. So fast. It was weird to be so excited about a text from anyone besides Trevor. I responded:





ME


It was great! Trevor was amazing.

Peggy was weird. But that’s okay.

Why didn’t you come?

Then I waited. Fifteen minutes. Then almost thirty. I fell asleep. Then the phone beep woke me up in the middle of the night. Like one a.m.





SHANNON SHUNTON


I like how real you are, Carolina. Sorry I was a bitch in junior high.

Even though my brain was, like, seventy-seven percent asleep, I texted back right away:





ME


It’s totally okay. You have been super nice to me in high school. Nicer than Peggy. I think you’re the most

interesting person in school.

After I pressed send, I wish I hadn’t sent it. It was too honest, too kidlike, too complimentary. It was probably better to be more elusive with Shannon Shunton, more artistic. How can you be artistic with texts? Gosh. I don’t know. Then she texted again, which made me feel so much better:





SHANNON SHUNTON


You’re my rock star.

Her rock star. It was the second time she called me this. I knew she didn’t mean it literally. I knew she meant I was amazing, but it was a much cooler way to say I was amazing, which was amazing. It might have been the best compliment a girl had ever given me. Ever. And so I texted back:





ME


I want us to become best friends.

And then she responded:





SHANNON SHUNTON


:)

Which I knew meant she wanted to end the conversation, so I sent my own:





ME


:)

And then I lay awake in bed, thinking about all Shannon Shunton could teach me about boys and sex and, you know, everything. Trevor would love me even more when I knew all the things Shannon knew. I was smart, but more book smart, and Kendra was smart, but more life smart. Shannon was “deep” smart. I don’t know what that means. Maybe I mean she just seemed to have seen things no other kids had seen. Maybe Kendra, Shannon, and I would all become best friends. All three of our smarts could be combined and we’d rule the school, but in a nice way. Maybe the three of us would go to homecoming together next year.

*

But Shannon wasn’t at school on Monday. I texted her, but she didn’t respond. On Tuesday, her sister wasn’t in school either. By Tuesday afternoon, people started whispering that Shannon had run away because no one could find her. And I texted her, like, five hundred times. Not five hundred. I’m not going to exaggerate anymore. I’ve said this before, I know, but really, life was getting serious and I needed to be more serious. I texted Shannon six times on Tuesday night and Wednesday during school. That’s exact. But she didn’t respond once. She would respond to me if she could … wouldn’t she?

By the end of the week, everyone was saying that Shannon had been killed. Murdered. But the police couldn’t find her body, either alive or dead, and there wasn’t any real proof. Every teenager had seen police shows on TV, so we knew there needed to be proof or a confession, but the one kid that knew anything, this junior named Dan Gassman, who was the son of a Riverbend police officer, said there was nothing, no proof at all, nothing. Then Shannon’s mom and sister moved to Florida to live with Shannon’s grandmother. They left the dad behind, which made it look like he was the one that murdered Shannon, but still there was no evidence and no one in the family would say anything to anyone.

When I first heard the rumors that Shannon Shunton might be dead, it was at lunch and I started crying. I tried really hard not to, but I couldn’t stop and Trevor hugged me. He didn’t say anything. Just hugged me. Then Peggy found me and hugged me. She was crying so loudly it almost felt fake, and she talked the whole time we hugged about how sad it was, except I didn’t think Peggy knew the real Shannon like I did. I didn’t think Peggy thought it was that sad, she just wanted everyone to think she was sad. When Peggy and I stopped hugging, it felt like we were bigger strangers than ever. Shannon Shunton had been better to me than her, and she was gone and Peggy was still here. I wished Peggy was dead and Shannon was alive. I felt like a horrible person for thinking that. I did. I should be arrested for thinking some of the things I think. I wondered if other people had evil thoughts like I did. Probably not. I was probably the only evil thinker in the whole school. I couldn’t find out if I was the only one, obviously, because I couldn’t tell people what my thoughts were in order to find out if they had bad ones too.