Forever for a Year(66)

“I’m tired,” she said.

“Okay,” I said, and turned around.

Then she said, “What is it, Trevor?”

“We can talk about it later.”

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Let’s talk now. Is it about Carolina?”

I turned around and went and lay on the bed next to her. We had not done this for years. Now it felt strange. Like I was too old. But screw it. I needed advice. “Yeah,” I said.

“Did you have a fight?”

“No … it’s just … she doesn’t seem to love me as much anymore.”

“Has she said something?”

“No … it’s just something’s changed.”

“Falling in love doesn’t last forever. You might be transitioning from the ‘falling in love’ stage to the ‘being in love’ stage.”

“What does that mean?”

“What nobody tells you is that the ‘falling in love’ stage is just one big pit of quicksand.… It’s so fun, so addicting you don’t notice … but then, once it’s over, you are stuck. You’re too attached to the person to leave, so you keep waiting around for the ‘falling in love’ feeling to start again … except it never really does, but if you wait around long enough, the ‘being in love’ stage begins and it’s great in a whole other way.”

“Is that what happened with Dad?”

“Yeah, of course,” she said, but she looked away. Was she lying?

“How long did the ‘falling in love’ stage last with you and Dad?”

“We were … I don’t know … a couple months. We got married before it ended.”

“And how long before the ‘being in love’ stage started?”

“I’ll let you know,” she said, then laughed. “I’m kidding. I don’t know. Maybe a year.”

“A year?”

“Well, it all happens faster when you’re young.”

“But I don’t feel like the ‘falling in love’ part is over for me. How can I make her fall in love with me again?”

“I’m sure she still is.”

“Mom, but if she weren’t … how could I?”

“Well … girls like to know they’re worth some effort.”

“What’s that mean?”

“It means … you two spend an awful lot of time in the basement.”

I. Was. Mortified. Like I could tear open my stomach and yank out my guts.

“Trevor, I already gave you the sex talk. I’m not going to bore you a second time with that.”

“We aren’t having sex!”

“Well, that’s fine. You still have those condoms?”

“We aren’t having sex, Mom!”

“Trevor. Great. But you’re doing a lot of other stuff. Are you being nice to her? Making sure she’s happy?”

“I try … but I’m not good at making her have orgasms.…” I can’t believe I just said the word “orgasms” to my crazy mother. Shit.

“No teenage boy in the world is. I’m sure you are very nice and courteous. Keep communicating with her like I said, but I didn’t really mean if she was happy sexually. I meant, why don’t you take her somewhere special? Somewhere besides pizza in Riverbend?”

“Like what?”

“Like … take her downtown. Take the train downtown next weekend. Have her dress up. Make a reservation at a popular restaurant on Rush Street or Michigan Avenue or maybe ask Dad about the Metropolitan Club. Hold her hand. And then, when you get home, kiss her good night without taking her to the basement.”

Goddammit, did I feel stupid! How could she presume so much? She didn’t know what we were doing in the basement. She didn’t know what Carolina really felt. She thought she knew everything, but she knew nothing. I hated my mom.

For a minute.

Damn. I thought about it. And I just sat there. The heat in my skull cooled. And my mom didn’t say anything. I looked at her. Looked at my mom. She was pretty great. What if she had really died when she tried … and I started crying. I had never cried before about it. It was so dumb not to cry about it then. And so dumb to cry about it now.

“Why are you crying, Trevor?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, then I curled up, and laid my head near hers. She kissed my forehead. It was the first time I can remember us hugging or kissing since before she tried to kill herself.





53

Carolina takes a train ride

On Sunday night, the Sunday after Thanksgiving, Trevor texted me:





TREVOR


Are you free next Saturday?

Obviously I was free. I had no life but Trevor.





ME


You know I am.

But then:





TREVOR


Not just night. The whole day.

Now, this was weird. He was being weird.





ME


Yeah. Why?

And then: