Forever for a Year(63)

But two weeks after Shannon disappeared, I started thinking she wasn’t dead. Those texts we shared in the middle of the night on Sunday, weren’t they the texts of someone knowing they would run away? Weren’t they? I didn’t tell anyone about them. Maybe I should have told the police, but I didn’t want to ruin her plan if she had run away. See, Shannon was too smart, deep smart, to have been murdered.

So yeah, Shannon Shunton was alive. Had to be. Somewhere. She had probably found a cool older boy to take her to California and she changed her name, and she would become a singer or an actress and someday I’d see her on television and only I would recognize her. I wouldn’t say anything to anyone. But I would tweet her, because famous people use Twitter more than Facebook, and I’d tweet, “You’re a rock star,” and she would know I knew but she would also know I could be trusted and she would text me, because I’d have the same number, and we’d become secret best friends. I really hoped that would happen. I really, really just hoped she wasn’t dead. Because if Shannon Shunton could be gone forever, anyone and anything could be gone forever soon too.





50

Trevor loses his juice

Coach Pasquini asked me to run varsity cross-country for the conference championships. After winning several junior varsity races, my times were better than anyone’s except for the star, Todd Kishkin, and the captains, Randy Chung and Craig Billings. I had done a good job of not seeing Carolina the night before meets, or at least not kissing her much if I did. But the Friday night before the conference meet, Carolina came over and we went into my basement. Shannon Shunton had only been missing a few days. Carolina was upset, and I could tell her thoughts were only half about me. She kept saying she wanted to be closer to me than ever. So we got naked super fast. I promised Aaron I would never hook up on nights before races, but Carolina was kissing me with too much energy. It made me lose my mind. I couldn’t stop her. Then, after she started touching me, she kissed my neck. Then she kissed my chest. Then my stomach. Then … it.

Holy …

It was the greatest feeling in my life. It hurt a bit because of her teeth, but I didn’t care. I can’t even think straight now remembering it, let alone when it was happening. Afterward, I asked Carolina why she did it.

“Did you like it?” she asked.

“It was so good I can’t describe how good it was.”

“Good. I’m glad. I watched videos and tried to do what they did,” Carolina said. Then with a different tone in her voice, like she was possessed by a ghost, “I don’t want to wait forever anymore. I don’t want to wait to experience things with you because I’m afraid something bad might happen. Bad things might happen no matter what.”

“I love you, Carolina.”

“I know, Trevor.”

*

The next day, at the conference championship meet, I ran my worst race of the year. Well, the worst since the first one. I finished last on our team and with a worse time than three of the junior varsity guys. By a lot. Coach Pasquini asked if I was sick. So I said yes. He could tell I was lying. But I couldn’t tell him I had gotten my first blow job last night and my brain and body both felt like they weighed five times as much as usual.

The next week was sectionals. But I knew he’d run someone else. My cross-country season was over.

*

Shannon Shunton disappearing changed Carolina. It changed everyone at school, at least a little, but Carolina … She suddenly seemed much older. I felt too immature for her. I was still this freshman, but now she had the air of a senior. A senior too old for high school anymore. I’d want to talk about video games or school, but Carolina would only want to talk about life. And family. And being a kid. And growing up. And not growing up. Before I met Carolina, before we fell in love, that was me … I was the one who could only think about the dark, depressing crap. But since Carolina, I’ve tried to be positive. To think about good things. But Carolina couldn’t. She couldn’t think about anything fun or easy. Only about Shannon Shunton. “Because if Shannon Shunton was dead, she would never grow up.” Carolina said this over and over.

“We’ll never see her be a sophomore,” Carolina said. “And we’ll never know if she would have graduated. Maybe she would have become my best friend and she would have taught me about all the horrible things in the world and I would have taught her how to be a better student. Maybe she would have gone on to a great college and she would have written books or songs or saved the environment. Maybe…”

“Maybe,” I said.

“It’s not fair, Trevor. It’s not fair.”

“I thought you thought she was still alive. That she ran away.”

“You’re right,” Carolina said, “you’re right. That’s what I really think. But why wouldn’t she text me to tell me she was okay? I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“You’d tell me,” I said.

“I wouldn’t even tell you if she told me not to.”

“You wouldn’t tell me?” That hurt. Carolina would keep a secret from me. We were soul mates and we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. But she would keep a secret from me already.

“Trevor, I’d eventually tell you, of course, once Shannon trusted me. But that’s not important. What’s important is why isn’t she texting me?”