Forever for a Year(57)

45

Carolina …

He was thrusting faster and faster, and I started to get a little scared, like he couldn’t control it and I couldn’t control him and I almost let go but then I was worried about letting go, so I just held on and didn’t do anything but grip it tighter and tighter as he moved faster and faster until …

He grunted really loud and then, gush.

Oh my GOSH. It went into his underwear, but also on my hand. It was hot and really gross. So gross. But don’t think it’s gross, Carolina. But it was, and he stopped thrusting and his whole body was shaking, like he was sick, so I reached my free arm around and pulled him close. To steady him. He was scared too. Which I liked. Then he stopped kissing me and then he said, “I’m sorry.”

“Why…” was he sorry? But I couldn’t finish the sentence.

“I … just … are you okay?”

“Yes, I mean, yes … are you okay? Did I do a good job?” Oh, please, let me have done a good job!

“You did, oh my God, Carolina, it felt better than anything I have ever felt in my life.”

“Really?” Really!

“Oh yeah. So—yeah … Yeah. So good. I just … I feel great, I mean, it felt great, but I want to make sure you feel okay.…”

“Yes,” yes, yes, yes. Trevor was so nice, he was making me less nervous by the second. So I said, “Can I let go?”

“Oh yeah, sorry,” he said. Then I pulled away my hand, which was sticky, so I wiped it on the cushion, but subtly so he wouldn’t notice. He slid off of me and onto his shoulder. I turned so I was on my shoulder, facing him on the couch. He looked at me in a way he had never looked at me before. He was scared. More scared than I had been. Oh my gosh. I was so mature. Wasn’t I?





46

Trevor …

“Carolina, just because…” I started, but then, crap. My mom was right. This was hard to talk about. Do it, Trevor! You didn’t talk about it before or during like you promised your mom and yourself, so talk about it now. Do it! “Carolina … just because we did that, it doesn’t mean we have to have sex.”

“Oh … I…”

“Not that that’s the same or close. But what we did was more than kissing. Right?” I wished I could change my underwear.

“Yeah,” she said.

“What we did was a big deal. Right?” Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to her. Maybe she thinks I’m such a dorky prude.

“Right,” she said. Okay. Good.

So I said, “But sex is even bigger.”

“I agree.”

“Is it strange that I’m talking about this? I feel so stupid talking about it.”

“I like that you’re talking about it,” she said, which made me feel like such a great boyfriend. So mature. I can’t believe my mom’s advice was so smart.

I said, because I couldn’t stop thinking about how she had made me feel, “I really, really liked what you did.” Maybe I hoped by telling her how much I liked it, she would want to do it again. That’s manipulative. Don’t do that, Trevor.

“Really?” she said again. How could she be surprised? She was so perfect at this and everything.

“Oh yeah. So much. But we don’t have to do it ever again if you don’t want.” Oh man, that would suck so bad if we never did that again, but I love her, so yeah, right, it would be okay. But it would suck.

“I would … we could…”

“But we wouldn’t have to,” I said. Stop saying that! But no, it’s the right thing to say. What else is the right thing to say?

“I like making you feel good,” she said.

“I love you, Carolina,” I said.

“Oh my gosh, I love you, Trevor.”





Part Three

LOVE FOR THE HOLIDAYS





47

Carolina goes to homecoming

Oh my gosh, if someone had looked at my phone, or Trevor’s, they would have seen a gazillion texts that said “I love you” and “I love you so much” and “I love you so, so, so much” and “I love you more than anyone else has ever loved anyone” and a gazillion more just like those. I’d been copying all of our texts onto my computer, then e-mailing them to myself so in case my phone got lost or stolen I’d have the texts saved. Because someday, like twenty years from now, when Trevor and I are the greatest couple anyone has ever seen in history, we might want to read what we texted to each other when we first fell in love.

So, anyway. After I told Trevor that we were going to homecoming with Peggy and Henry, he wasn’t that excited. He didn’t say anything, I could just tell. So I asked him if he wanted to invite any of his friends to be in our group. But I only said this because I knew he didn’t have any friends … except Trevor did have friends to invite. Which freaked me out because I didn’t want to upset Peggy. How come I was so worried about Peggy? Trevor texted me that Aaron and Tor, two sophomores from the cross-country team, would also be part of our group. Ugh. Disaster. I didn’t know what to do, so I texted Peggy about Aaron and Tor. Then she texted me back that that was fine because Licker and Jake were coming as well with their dates. (What desperate girl would go to homecoming with Jake? But that’s mean, so I didn’t really ask that.) Then two days later, Peggy texted me and said that Katherine was getting a party bus and they needed more people to help pay for it, so suddenly our group for homecoming was, like, half the school. I’m exaggerating. But it’s for effect. So when I texted Trevor about the bus, he texted me that we should just go with his cross-country friends because they won’t want to go on the bus. Oh my gosh! My boyfriend wanted me to ditch my best friend! I didn’t text him back right away and he realized I was upset, so he texted me a second time that the bus would be fun. He didn’t mean it, but I texted him back,