Forever for a Year(54)

Why. Was. She. Telling. Me. This.

“Your first love … is important. Very important. That’s what I’m trying to communicate. It will shape how you choose every future relationship.”

“Carolina and I are going to be together forever.”

“Trevor, I know you think that—”

“WE ARE, MOM!”

“Great. Okay. Great. I hope you are. It’s still just as important that you treat her with respect.”

“I DO!”

“Please don’t yell, Trevor. I’m sorry I’m bad at this. I’m trying to tell you that … in some ways, you have Carolina’s whole future in your hands. You’re going to want to have sex with her soon. Sooner than you realize. And she’ll want it too. She’ll want to be as close to you as possible even if her body isn’t ready to enjoy it. Because she loves you. You’re a wonderful person, but it will still terrify her.”

“Oh my God, Mom, can we please end this conversation?”

“Not yet. Last bit of what I want to say. Talk to her about things. Okay? Don’t not talk about it just because it’s awkward. If you want to do things sexually, ask her how it makes her feel first. Ask how it feels during it, ask her how it feels afterward. This might sound easy now, and in the moment it’s going to seem impossible, but it’s very important. Trust me.”

She stopped. It felt like she had been talking for five hours. But she finally stopped. I’m not even sure I understood half of what she said. But once she stopped, I stopped being angry and uncomfortable almost as fast.

*

When we got back in her car, she reached into her purse and pulled out a box of condoms.

Condoms.

My mother was handing me a box of condoms.

“We aren’t having sex,” I said, but quiet. Not yelling. Not even mad. Just … overwhelmed.

“I know. But when you decide you are ready, when both of you decide, I want you to feel prepared. Any parent would love if their child would wait until they were older. But I always promised I’d be a parent who wouldn’t put my head in the sand. You’re in love. She’s in love. If I didn’t make you aware of what’s going to happen, you might not be prepared when it does happen … and then mistakes can happen.”

“I’m not going to get her pregnant, Mom.”

“I know. You’re very smart and responsible. I was a very smart and ‘mature’ girl when I was a freshman. I didn’t think it could happen. My parents never talked to me about it. They didn’t talk to me about anything. And I did … get…” She stopped, sucked in two deep but quick breaths, then continued, “I never told my parents. Mark stole money from his parents, and we drove to Wisconsin to have the abortion. I don’t even know why we drove to another state. I think I just wanted it to be far away.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, the words coming out of my mouth before I realized they were. My mom started crying. I hadn’t seen her cry in a long time. She looked so young. So fragile. I felt like I was the parent.

“It’s okay, Trevor. I’m okay. I never told anyone. I can’t believe I told you. Your father doesn’t know … and I don’t think he’d understand. So let’s not tell him, okay?”

“Okay,” I said. What was strange was … suddenly, I don’t know, I understood my mom. At least a little bit. And that made me trust her. A little bit.

*

She turned on the car and drove us back home. When we were in the garage, before she opened the door, I said, “Thank you for the talk, Mom. I’m sorry I was cold and angry. I don’t … I’m just … I’m happy you said everything. I don’t think many moms would say what you said … and I’m glad … you did.”

She nodded, sort of smiled, then got out of the car and walked toward the door to the house. I almost tried to catch up and hug her before she went inside, but I didn’t.





41

Carolina talks to Peggy about hooking up

After I got the flowers from Trevor asking me to homecoming, I started thinking about who we would go with. See, you have to go with a group to homecoming. At least, that’s what Katherine had told Peggy and me over the summer. I didn’t freak out about it then because I never thought I would go to homecoming freshman year, and if I did, it one hundred million percent would be with Peggy and two boys who wouldn’t matter. But then I met Trevor and now I was going and Peggy and I were barely talking and Kendra said she didn’t want to go and Trevor didn’t have any friends, so Trevor and I would have to go by ourselves. Which made me super sad. This was going to be the most important date of my life and it would be ruined. So after my dad cheered me up this afternoon, I texted Peggy:





ME


Trevor asked me to homecoming :)

I didn’t even think she would text me back. At least not right away. But she didn’t JUST text me back, she called me, like, one second later.

“That’s amazing!” she said, and it felt so good to hear her voice. “Henry asked me last night, so we should all go together!” Henry McCarthy? Trevor’s cousin? I didn’t even know he and Peggy talked to each other, and now they were going to homecoming together?

But I said, “That’s so amazing! It would be so amazing to go together!”