Toe the Line(59)

“It can be whatever you want it to be.”

I stood and paced for a minute. He hadn’t thought this through. “Suppose this did happen.” I turned to face him. “I conceived your baby. You wouldn’t want to live apart from your child. I know you. It would mean me having to relocate. I don’t know if I’m ready for that. Not to mention, I have a boyfriend here.” I resumed pacing. “So it wouldn’t work, Archie. I really appreciate it, but—”

Archie got up and put his hands on my shoulders to stop me from moving. A shiver ran down my spine. “Look at me,” he said as he lifted my chin to meet his eyes. “You have my word, Noelle, that I will never pressure you to live anywhere you don’t want to live. We could draw up whatever legal papers you need. If you decided to move back to New York, that would be okay. I’ll deal. You’d be the primary caregiver. This would be your child. But at least he or she would know their dad, even if I lived far away.”

Once again, I noticed the intensity in his eyes. Archie was dead serious. Oh my God. He’s serious. That scared the absolute shit out of me. I took a step back. “This sounds very complicated, as much as you’re trying to simplify it. I can’t imagine why you would want to do this.”

“You can’t imagine why I would want to have a child with you? Noelle, you’re such an important part of my life. Why wouldn’t I want to do this for you?”

The emotions pummeling my chest were too much. I both loved and hated him for throwing this curveball. I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Archie. I…can’t take you up on this. You’re just coming off of a divorce, for Christ’s sake. It’s not even final yet. Even if you were my only option on Earth, I couldn’t do that to you. It’s not fair. Please don’t be offended by my reaction. I appreciate your offer. But I just…can’t.”

On top of everything else, having this man’s baby would dredge up old feelings I’d worked so hard to overcome.

“Okay.” Archie looked down at his feet. “The offer still stands, if you change your mind. But I understand your hesitation, and I respect your decision.” He nodded. “No hard feelings, okay?”

I took a few steps toward him. “I will never forget that you wanted to do this for me.”

A look of melancholy crossed his face before he scrubbed his hand over it. He’d either regretted offering or was disappointed in my answer.

This was messing me up inside. Deep within my soul, I wanted nothing more than to have Archie Remington’s baby. But I wanted everything with Archie. That irrational piece of my soul didn’t want him to impregnate me because he felt sorry for me. It wanted him to love me. And bearing his baby would kill me if that weren’t the case. Because it would only make me love him more.

? ? ?

Two weeks after Archie went back to California, I was still consumed by thoughts of his proposal. I’d shut down Archie’s offer in front of him, but it was alive and well in my head, taunting and torturing me.

On a rainy Wednesday afternoon, I was supposed to be going through b-roll for an upcoming piece on mail-order brides, but I couldn’t concentrate.

I regretted the way his New York trip had ended. The tone for the rest of Archie’s stay had shifted after that Saturday evening. After previously saying he hadn’t wanted to waste his precious time with me, the next day he’d suggested we go see a Broadway show after all. I think we’d both needed a distraction from the tension in the air.

When I’d hugged him goodbye at the airport that Monday morning, the lingering regret nearly paralyzed me. I’d lacked the ability to articulate my feelings, but I’d been overcome with appreciation for him and didn’t want to let him go.

Since then, I remained conflicted, going through every donor option in the cryobank database again. Not a single one felt right. I was beginning to think maybe this wasn’t going to happen for me. I couldn’t bite the bullet. I kept waiting for it—a feeling of comfort. Of love. Of excitement. That right feeling.

As shocking as Archie’s proposal had been, beyond logistics, I hadn’t really imagined what accepting it might be like. I wouldn’t allow myself to visualize it for even a second because I was scared that would make me want it enough to consider it.

Yet for some reason on that rainy Wednesday afternoon, sitting at my desk and staring out at the busy city street, raindrops pelting my window, I closed my eyes and let myself visualize what it would be like to have a baby with Archie.

Just this once.

I saw myself pregnant, massaging my belly.

I saw Archie rubbing my back.

I saw Archie holding my hand during the birth.

I saw what I imagined our baby would look like, with Archie’s almond-shaped eyes and sun-kissed hair.

I might not have trusted Archie with my heart, but I trusted him—as a human, as a father, as a friend. As someone who would never desert me.

Taking Archie up on his offer felt scary. But when I immersed myself in it, it was the only scenario thus far that felt right.

After that I couldn’t imagine anything else.

? ? ?

“I have to talk to you about something,” I told my boyfriend a few nights later at dinner. My heart pounded, and my palms were sweaty; I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

Jason set his fork aside. “You alright?”