Toe the Line(58)

I cleared my throat. “Did you…want me to log into the cryobank site? You said you’d help me look through the donors, give me your opinion.”

Archie ignored my suggestion. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah…”

He looked down at the sofa, then back at me. “Did I hurt you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve never asked you that question. And I want to know if anything I’ve ever done…or not done…has hurt you.”

I swallowed. How could I answer this honestly? “There have been times I felt hurt by you, yes. Although I don’t think it was ever your intention to hurt me.”

He blinked rapidly. “When?”

Feeling my throat close up, I didn’t want to admit it. But I also didn’t want to lie. Archie had no idea how hard I’d worked to get over him. “When I came out to visit you the summer after your dad died, and you told me we shouldn’t continue what we’d started on the island. At that time, I had strong feelings for you, though I’d never admitted them. And I didn’t tell you then because you were going through a lot.”

His stare was incendiary. “You don’t think I knew you had feelings for me? Of course, I did.” He paused. “But do you know why I pushed you away, Noelle?”

I shook my head.

“There was no way I was gonna take you down with me. That was a rough time. I needed to be there for my mother. I knew I was stuck in that situation for a very long time. I didn’t have a whole lot of choices. But I could choose not to hold you back. So that’s the decision I made—not because of a lack of feelings for you, but because I cared about you too much to drag you down.” He closed his eyes a moment. “I never meant to hurt you.”

It felt like the room was swaying.

When I didn’t say anything, he continued. “Time was never on our side. I know it’s too late for me to change the past. Even if you weren’t currently with someone, I still don’t think I’d be the right man for you. And I would never make a promise to you I couldn’t keep.”

My head spun. “I’m not sure where you’re going with this…”

“It’s always been hard for me to figure out where we fit into each other’s lives. You’re my friend, but you’re so much more.” He reached for his wine and took a long sip, as if he really needed it to continue. “I want the absolute best for you. And you should be creating a life with someone who cares about you. Who respects you. Someone who knows how amazing you are. And someone who will have your back and your child’s back if, God forbid, anything were ever to happen to you. You and I, we don’t have big families…”

Now I was really confused. “What are you saying, Archie?”

“I’m saying just because you can do this alone doesn’t mean you should have to. I don’t think you should have a baby with an absolute stranger.” The room went silent. “I think you should have a baby with me.”

What? My mouth fell open. The shock was so profound that I could hardly form a sentence. “With you…”

“Yes.” His eyes burned into mine. “And before you think that I’ve lost my mind, I’ve been thinking about this from almost the moment you told me your plans. I know what I’m doing, Noelle. I was never great at anything besides, well…maybe cooking and drawing, before my daughter came along. I might’ve been a shitty son according to my dad and a shitty husband according to Mariah, but I think I’m a damn good father. I wouldn’t mind having another child. Moreover, I would love to have one with you, to share that experience with you.” He paused. “I could be as involved—or uninvolved—as you’d want me to be.”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I’m just…confused. I don’t even understand how you think this could logistically work. There are so many reasons it couldn’t.”

“I actually can’t think of one.” He shook his head. “Not a single one.”

The passion in his eyes was palpable. He seemed so confident and determined. Is he insane? “How would this even…happen?” I asked. “What are your expectations here?”

“I’d give a sperm sample. You know, just like your donor would’ve.” Archie’s face reddened as he held his palms out. “I should’ve clarified… I wasn’t insinuating that we do it the old-fashioned way. I’m guessing your boyfriend wouldn’t go for that.”

“But you live in California…”

“I do.”

I just looked at him, unable to process.

“Here’s what I propose.” Archie straightened his posture. “You said most of your work is online these days—writing copy and digital editing?”

“Uh-huh,” I said, staring blankly at the wall.

“You could do it anywhere? Would they let you?”

Still in a daze, I muttered, “Probably. I don’t know. Maybe.”

“What if you came out to Cali for a while? Only temporarily. We could find a fertility doctor out there, try to make it happen. And then whatever you wanted after that would be cool. You could go back to New York or—”

“You make it sound like a business transaction.” I finally looked at him again.