Say You Love Me(38)

“You didn’t,” she said stiffly. “It’s fine.”

“I know you want a relationship,” I said, not able to look at her. “And it sounds like this Luke can give it to you.”

“Yeah.” She nodded.

“I just needed you to know what I could give you, too,” I said, knowing I’d been selfish. “I needed you to know what it felt like to have me inside of you. Maybe I wanted to ensure that tonight, at least, you wouldn’t be f*cking anyone else.”

“I’m going to go now, Cody.” Sally’s voice sounded distant. “You’re too confusing and I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to go.” She pulled away from me and I watched as she walked to the bedroom door and unlocked it and walked out. I stood there, even as I heard her calling out to Mila and TJ that she was leaving. I remained standing there, even as I heard her opening the front door and exiting the apartment. I stood there until TJ came into the room and looked at me with narrowed eyes.

“What did you do?” he asked me with a frown and all I could do was shake my head. I had no idea what I’d just done, but I knew deep inside that I felt awful about it.





Chapter 14





Sally

There’s a moment when your heart stops. Sometimes it’s in happiness and sometimes it’s in pain. The painful moment, that’s the moment I hate the most. I call this moment, the moment before living death. It’s the point where you think you won’t be able to go on. I’ve experienced that moment several times now. Every time Cody gave me a look and then turned away without really looking at me. Every time I hoped he would tell me he loved me, but he talked about another girl. Every time I think of him with someone else. That moment makes me want to die. The pain is so sharp, so deep, that I can feel my entire body succumbing to some unknown pain that pierces my soul. I can literally feel a piece of my soul leaving me every time he gazes away from me. Those moments were fleeting. Up until now. Now, the moment was embedded in me. Now, the pain of near death was ingrained in my soul. I ran out of Mila’s house with my entire body shaking. I was still high from Cody making love to me. I could still feel his kisses as he entered me. I could still feel the excitement and hope in my veins. The hope that had been living in me for years. The hope that he had just extinguished by telling me he still wanted me to go on the date with Luke. He hadn’t slept with me because he wanted me all to himself. He hadn’t slept with me because he couldn’t stand me going out with Luke. He had slept with me because he didn’t want sloppy seconds. He wanted to f*ck me. As he’d said so crudely. And that was it. He’d taken what he’d wanted and discarded me. Told me to move on to the next guy. And yet, still somewhere inside of me, there was still hope. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe I was such a fool. How could I be such a fool? After everything. After leaving Mila’s in a panic, almost in tears, hating him with all my heart. Even when I said I was done. It was still there, I could feel it in the bottom of my soul. The hope was going to murder me in the night.

The hope is too much. It kills me, slays me in the middle of the night when I’m lying there. Thinking of and rehearing our entire conversations from the day. I’d think about our texts, our calls, every little thing he’d said to me or hadn’t said to me. Over and over again. I just don’t understand how I can feel something so deep and strong. I can’t fathom how my heart and soul can carry such love when there is nothing being given back to me.

I used to think that it was better to have loved and lost. I used to think that I was glad to be experiencing this emotion. That it meant I was living and trying. Love was a good thing. Love is a beautiful thing. I used to enjoy the feeling of my heart racing every time I saw him. It used to feel like I was flying. It used to feel like I was on top of the world. I craved the feeling. At least I did when I didn’t feel the pain and the rejection. When I just lived for the moments of us being together. When a simple hello could make my week. Those were the days, the weeks, the months that made me love being in love. But then I got older, wiser, and sadder. Now the love is tinged in pain. Now every time we share a smile, I don’t know whether I want to laugh or cry. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on. Sometimes I feel like I’m a walking corpse and that my life will never be the same again. And now that I’d slept with him, now I’d known him in a way I’d dreamt of for years, I knew that everything would only get harder.

Cody Brookstone. The man of my dreams. The man I considered my soul mate. Once upon a time I would have believed we were destined to be with each other. Once upon a time, I thought it was inevitable. I’d believed that there was no feeling this strong, this powerful, that couldn’t be real. That couldn’t mean we weren’t made for each other. But now, now I’m older. Now I’m walking down the street after the best and worst moment of my life. Now, I’m sitting here on a random street bench trying not to cry my eyes out and I’m wondering to myself what has possessed me? What has come over me? How could I be so sad, so desperate, and so crazy over someone who didn’t care? I didn’t know if he ever thought about me, if he ever cared. The pain at that feeling. The pain knowing he was always in my thoughts but I was nothing to him. It consumed me. Absolutely consumed me. It made me question my sanity and self-worth. It made me question everything. He meant everything to me. I’d given myself to him willingly, lovingly. I’d been excited when he’d teased me under the table and taken me to the bedroom. I’d thought it had meant something more than it had, but of course, I’d been wrong again. I felt the warm tears running down my face and I buried my face in my hands. I let the tears pour down my face ungracefully. I let myself sob until my eyes hurt. I let my body shake. I let myself cry out in anguish. I let myself release all of the sorrow and despair that I felt. Cody had broken me. I’d let him break me. I was no longer a person I recognized. I was no longer me. And if I was honest with myself, I knew that it wasn’t Cody’s fault. It was mine. He’d never pretended to offer me something else. He’d never made any false promises. He’d never told me he loved me or even liked me in a way more than friends. It had all been in my head and I had to let go. If I didn’t, I was scared at how much lower I could go. As I sat up and looked at the empty road in front of me, I realized that I was already the lowest I’d ever been and I could allow myself to sink even further. It was time for me to be strong. It was time for me to let Cody go.