Say You Love Me(34)

“I’m just helping you think about what you want. The important questions,” he said with a frown. “How long will it take for you guys to be an official couple?”

“I have no idea. I don’t even know if he’s interested.”

“I guess ask him tonight.”

“I’m not going to ask him that. That’s ridiculous. I would look crazy. Who asks someone if they want to be boyfriend/girlfriend after one date?”

“You’re not asking him that specific question, you’re asking him how many dates it will take for him to consider that relationship with you.”

“I’m not asking him either of those questions.”

“Why not?”

“Why are you being so ridiculous, Cody?” I frowned. “I barely know this guy. I’m not going to ask him anything about relationships. I’m not desperate.”

“Okay, sure. If you say so.”

“Yeah, I say so.” I was annoyed.

“I mean, I know you really want to meet someone.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I sat up straight and my tone changed.

“I mean, now that Mila is getting married, I suppose your biological clock is ticking.”

“You’re an *.”

“I’m just telling the truth as I see it.”

“You see me as some desperado who is dying to get married? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Would I say that?” He gave me a huge grin. “I mean, would I call you a desperado?”

“Yeah, I think you would.” I didn’t grin back, my feelings super hurt.

“I’m just joking, Sally. I hope your date with Luke goes well and if you guys want to come join us at the concert later, just let me know.”

“Yeah, I’ll see.”

“What are you guys doing, anyway?”

“I think dinner and a movie?”

“Movie?” He made a face. “That’s not a good first date option. What talking can you do there?”

“It’s an art-house movie. I think he said he wanted to grab a coffee afterwards and discuss.”

“Boring.”

“Cody!” I admonished him, but laughed slightly as I did think that the date sounded a bit lame. I mean, I liked movies, but what exactly was an art-house movie and what were we going to be discussing afterwards? I wasn’t sure I even knew what to look for in the movie and I was hoping I didn’t fall asleep.

“I just hope you don’t fall asleep on the guy,” he said and our eyes met for a few seconds. I wondered if he could read my mind. Wondered if he knew that all he needed to say was that he didn’t want me to go and the date would be done. Wondered if he knew he was the only guy I wanted to fall asleep on, in more ways than one.

“Yeah, I don’t anticipate that happening,” I said and waited for him to say something, anything that would be a real indication that I shouldn’t be attempting to move on.

“Good, you want to make a good impression.” He grinned at me then and rubbed his stomach. “Man, I’m so hungry.”

“Yeah, me too.” I nodded at him, realizing that the conversation about my date was over. And I felt like I was the only one who was feeling bad about everything. He didn’t seem hurt or jealous and that was actually making me feel worse inside. Why couldn’t he just feel the same way that I did? Why couldn’t he love me? Why couldn’t he just, for one second, react in the way that I wanted him to? I just didn’t know how to get rid of these feelings. I didn’t know how to stop loving him. I just wanted to cry. I just wanted to go home and lie in my bed and feel sorry for myself. I didn’t even want to go on the date with Luke anymore. Yes, I was attracted to his photos, but not in the same way that I was to Cody in real life. Just seeing Cody made my heart skip a beat. I wasn’t sure if it was healthy—well, I knew it wasn’t healthy. I knew that I was obsessed. I knew that I was driving myself crazy. I knew that I was making myself sick and depressed. I knew that I was in the worst possible position that I could be in, in this situation. I knew, at the bottom of my heart, that I needed to let go of Cody. I couldn’t keep going through this. I couldn’t stop feeling this way. It was just breaking my heart. Every time I saw him, I wanted to cry. Well, not when I saw him. It was always after I saw him. Always when the emptiness hit me. That was when I wanted to cry and curl up inside of myself. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I didn’t want to be so depressed that I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want my dreams to be filled with him. I didn’t want my every waking moment to be filled with wishing that I could be with him.

Sometimes I felt like I was wishing upon a star—a sad, lonely, low-hanging star. A star that shone so brightly, had so much hope, seemed so close, but when I reached up, it was always just out of my grasp. Always just a little too far away. I wanted to believe that one day I’d get there, that I’d be able to hold it in my hands, but it was elusive, ever elusive, and I didn’t know if I had the time or energy for one day any more. I just didn’t know what the point was. One day a million things could happen. One day I could be dead. One day, one day, one day nothing could happen. One day, I could wake up and realize that I’d wasted my whole life reaching for something that was always just out of reach. I knew that today was the day that I had to change. I needed to be done with the games. I needed to be done with the dreams and the hopes. I needed to just be done. I needed to take care of the heart that was breaking inside of me. I needed to heal. If I didn’t, I wasn’t sure if I wouldn’t sink into an even deeper hole. A hole that I’d never get out of. And that scared me more than a life without Cody. I couldn’t keep living like this. I had finally come to the realization that I had to give up. I just didn’t know how.