Love At First Hate (Love At Firsts Book 2)(19)

I’ve played various scenarios in my mind all day long about how things would go tonight. I’m not sure if any of them will be accurate, but they all end up with my parents casting me away from the family. I’m hoping things will go that way. It’d be perfect. I wouldn’t have to go to my brother’s wedding and put my family to shame because I’m the black sheep of the family, and I’d have peace for the rest of my life. That’s the best case scenario, but I know damn well that it won’t happen that way. I still don’t get why they bother with me, it’d be so easy for all of them to forget about me and just leave me be.

My worst nightmare would be that they arranged a double wedding so that my brother, his fiancée–Olivia, Lindsey and I would get married on the same day, and I wouldn’t have any say in that. I’d rather be back in Afghanistan than let that happen. Yes, it’s that bad. If things were different and Lindsey wasn’t trying all she can to get pregnant and married, then she’d be a decent girl to get to know and maybe f*ck on the regular, but her constant nagging about weddings and babies is just getting too much. She still doesn’t know I got the snip and can’t have kids. I kinda wish I could just tell her. I’d pay good money to see her face when she figures that one out.

It’s about time I get my life back on track. I’m tired of living my life how others want me to live it. I haven’t been allowed to do things, and I’ve let that happen because it was easier than to actually deal with my family, but I can’t take it anymore. I know it’s going to be hard, especially in the beginning, but I need to do what makes me happy. I don’t know how that’ll go, but it’s worth a try. My happiness and well-being are at stake.

Getting out of the steaming shower I’ve just spent the past hour in, I wrap a towel around my waist and hop onto the counter. I wipe the steam from the mirror and look at my reflection.

I look older than my thirty-five-years. War, worry, and unhappiness have taken their toll on me, and it shows. My eyes are void of any emotion and so is my heart. I barely recognize myself. I can’t remember the last time I took some time to look at myself in a mirror and was actually happy with what I saw in the reflection. I’m decent looking, but I don’t have anything to offer to anybody. I’m damaged beyond repair.

This pity party seriously has to stop. I’m annoying myself with this bullshit. I need to get my ass in gear for myself. I might even pay a visit to Matt after dinner if I can muster up the courage to do so. I was debating for long minutes if I should grab him and kiss him, but my courage quickly vanished. I really want to see where things could have gone.

I trim my beard and style my hair before going to my room. I have to find something appropriate for tonight. I know I have to be somewhat presentable for them. Not that I care, but I want to avoid any sort of other drama besides the engagement, that’ll be enough for one night, but if I make too much of an effort they’ll think I’ve finally come to my senses and accepted the idea of getting married to Lindsey. No matter what I do, I can never win.

I settle on a black pair of jeans and black button-down shirt paired with my black boots and a leather jacket. Not your usual presentable, but that’s how good it’ll go with me. I’m sure Matt would approve of this outfit. I don’t know why I suddenly care if Matt would approve of my outfit, but that’s what came to mind upon seeing my reflection.

I rush down the stairs as I’m already running late, not by much, but enough for my family to give me shit about it. I lock the door and get in my car. I start up the car and type in the address in the Satnav as I have no clue where my parents wanted me to meet them.

Nerves are getting to me as I find myself tapping my fingers on the steering wheel. It’s not that I fear my family, but when you’ve lived your entire life being judged by them because they never approved of any of your choices, it’s kind of hard to just go into this, knowing what they have planned without feeling nervous. I’m also wondering why the hell I’ve let them rule my life for so long. It feels like I was brainwashed and I’m only coming to my senses now.

Half an hour later, I finally park in the parking lot of the restaurant and walk over to the entrance.

“Good evening, sir. Do you have a reservation?” the hostess asks me.

“Good evening. I’m joining the Collins table.”

“If you’ll follow me.” She walks past me, and I follow her. The closer I get to the table, the harder I feel my heart pound in my chest. As if it’s just going to burst out of my chest like a little alien. It’d be a lot more pleasant than what I’m faced with right now. To my right, my family all sit at the table, drinking and talking to each other, looking as they’ve just buried someone; stone-faced people look up at me, judging my appearance and the fact that I’m late. To my left, Matt and his friends, smiling, drinking, and having fun. The contrast is shocking. Both tables are here to celebrate something that should make them happy yet, one table looks f*cking miserable, and I have to join that one when all I want is to sit at Matt’s table and have fun. Matt notices me and waves. I want to wave back, but I know it won’t go down well with my family. They’ll judge them, and I won’t be able to take their criticism to a table full of people they don’t know. I give him a simple nod and join my family’s table.

“About time, Nathan,” my father says through gritted teeth.