Love At First Hate (Love At Firsts Book 2)(21)
The more I think about the events that took place when I was a kid, the more it makes me wonder what are Robert’s motives to set us all up. He seems to have someone planned for all of us. I had been dodging his plans for years until I came back here. A part of me wanted to be part of the family again. I call it a temporary lapse in judgment. Why did I let myself get roped into this f*cking mess?
I groan to myself, frustrated with the fact that I let this happen to myself and didn’t even protest up until now.
“Hey, Mom,” I say sitting down by her gravestone. “I know it’s been a while, and I’m sorry. I’m not even sure why I’m here tonight. I had yet another fight with Robert, but this time, it was worse. I knew something was up with Caroline and Frank’s respective wedding. He’s setting us all up for some unknown reason, and it’s messing with my head. I told him the way I felt about it all and broke it off with Lindsey, the girl he set me up with. I don’t know how it’ll go from here. I mean, he could surprise me and respect the fact that I want nothing to do with any of this, or he could just try to f*ck things up for me even more. Hell, I even confessed that I have feelings for a man. I don’t know if it’s love or just lust or curiosity, but Matt makes me feel. I realized tonight when I told them how I felt that it was right, that I didn’t feel ashamed. I know I haven’t tried anything with a man but f*ck, just the way I feel when I’m around Matt is enough to set my world on fire.” I chuckle through my tears. “I wish you were still here. I know you would tell me I did the right thing and that I should live my life to make me happy and not please others. And I’m sure you’d love Matt. Besides Madeline, I have no one. Well, I have Ellie and the guys at work, but it’s not the same. I can’t say I miss having someone by my side because I never really had anyone to begin with, but it’d be nice. I don’t know what switched in my mind today to actually want someone by my side. Maybe it’s because I’m finally ready to let go of the weight of the family that was holding me down. I’m not sure. I just hope it’s not too late for me.” I blow out a breath and rub my face, getting rid of the tears.
It feels good to let my feelings out, though I’m sure it didn’t make much sense, but no one is here to listen to me and answer me so I don’t give a f*ck if I sound like a crazy person.
“Stop thinking and start living. You shouldn’t let your family weigh you down. You need to start living a little,” a voice says from behind me scaring the shit out of me. I let out a startled scream and turn around to see a little old lady standing there. “Sorry, darling. I didn’t mean to scare you.” She chuckles.
“It’s okay. I didn’t hear you come over.”
“I know. I’m part ninja.” She winks at me.
“That you are.” I smile and stand up.
“I meant what I said. You need to live your life for yourself. If you don’t, you’re going to regret those years you’ve lost, and you’ll let people who could have been in your life longer go, and you’ll regret it when you’re an old man.” Wise words I should listen to and live by, but it’s easier said than done.
“Do you have any regrets?” I ask her. I don’t know why but I feel compelled to talk to her.
“Walk me back to the entrance will you?” I hold my arm out for her, and she links hers. We start walking, and she takes a deep breath. “My late husband was married when we met. We fell in love with each other rather quickly but back then, divorce wasn’t allowed, at least not in his family. We kept seeing each other until his wife passed away. Rest her soul. She got cancer and passed away quickly. I was happy that I could have my Gerald with me, but I couldn’t help feeling bad for her. I never wished for her to die, but I wanted to be with my Gerald. We did get to marry and be happy together and have kids, but his family rejected him because he never gave them any grandkids with his first wife.”
“Were you feeling guilty because you were having an affair or because she passed away quickly?”
“Because she passed away. When you love someone, no matter what, you won’t feel guilty about having those feelings. Even if it can be considered wrong, who cares. As long as those feelings make you happy in here.” She taps my chest where my heart is.
“I wish more people thought like you do.”
“I’m just an old lady who’s been through her share of drama. My husband died last year. Three of my four kids passed away in horrible conditions. I’ve witnessed most of my loved ones lose their life, and I’m still standing. I do feel guilty about that. I feel like it’s payback for the affair I had with Gerald.”
“Sorry for your losses, that’s horrible, but surely it’s just coincidences.”
“Do you want to know something?” she asks whispering.
“Yes.” I still don’t know why I’m having this deep and private conversation with a stranger, but it feels good to know that someone has those views on love.
“If I had to do it all again I wouldn’t change a thing. Yes, I’ve lost most of my family in the last five years, but I’ve had fifty amazing years with Gerald and my kids, and I know I’ll be joining them soon.”
“There’s not one thing you’d change?” I ask, curious.
“No.” She smiles, sounding at peace with herself and her life choices. “If I can give you any piece of advice it’ll be this. Listen to your heart, not your head. Do what you want to do. Try new things. Just be yourself and be happy, screw the consequences; life is too short. Focus on yourself and your own happiness, and things will get better. I promise.” She smiles at me and squeezes my hand.