If I Only Knew(69)

“I am!” He yells. “I’ll go back, get Mum back on her feet and then we’ll be fine.”

“Get her on her feet? She has cancer, and she needs you.”

“I need you, what about that?” Milo asks.

My chest aches so bad I could crumple to the ground. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt anymore either. Why couldn’t we be happy this once?

“It’s just not our time.” I force the words out and each one is like a knife slicing me open.

It was our time. It just got ripped away.

“I’m not giving up,” he says with defiance. “We’ll fly back and forth. We’ll video chat every day.”

He’s being crazy and I have to stop this. “You and I both know that’s not true.”

Tears begin to form and I try with all my might to stop them before they spill over. I’ve loved two men in my life, and now I’ll have lost them both. Only this one I have to let go of willingly.

“I love you! I love you and I don’t want to lose you.” Milo crouches, taking my hands in his. “I can’t do it.”

A part of my heart breaks inside of me. Because, I can’t ask him to stay. As much as I want those to be the words that come out of my mouth, I won’t let them. “You have to do this. We both know that.”

“Fuck. I knew you were going to do this.” He gets back to his feet. “Once I told you, no matter what, you were going to push me to go back.”

“Of course I am, because it’s the right thing, Milo. You’re not meant to be my stupid assistant. You are meant to run that office. London is your home and your mom is sick. I don’t like the reality of it, but it’s what it is.” The tears I tried to fight fall.

It hurts so much.

“Don’t cry,” he begs. “Please.”

“I’m not.” I try to hide my face and get a damn grip, but it’s not working.

“Danielle,” his voice is soft. “Look at me, sweetheart.”

My head lifts slowly and I see the pain mirrored in his eyes. “I didn’t want to love you,” I tell him, “I didn’t want to ever love another man because losing him would be too hard. But now I’m here, in love with you and I have to watch you walk away.”

“We’ll make this work,” he vows.

I shake my head, because the reality is, it won’t. Sure, we could try and maybe get a few months where we find ways, but I have kids. I can’t hop on a plane and head off to visit him whenever I want. He’s going to be running an empire and there’s no way he’ll be coming back here. Then, the phone calls will stop. We’ll be too busy and time will get away from us both.

I was stupid and let myself get caught up in this whirlwind because everything felt so right.

“We have to be honest.” My lip trembles as pain so deep slices through my heart. “You need to go. Your mother needs you and so does your brother. There aren’t options here, Milo.”

His head falls to my lap, and my fingers glide through his brown hair. I hate this more than anything. I’m doing everything I can not to break apart. This wasn’t what he wanted, and making this harder on him, won’t help.

When his emerald eyes meet mine, there are unshed tears. “This isn’t how I wanted things to go.”

“I know.”

“I had a plan for us.”

“Sometimes the plan we have isn’t the one we’re meant to follow,” I tell him softly.

He cups my face, pulling his lips to mine. “Why did I have to find you only to lose you?”

I don’t know why, but I’m dying inside.

Maybe Milo came into my life to get me to see that I could go on and love again. He gave me something I wasn’t aware I was missing. More than that, he’s made me happier than I can remember being in years.

I dared to hope only to be defeated again. But at least I know that hope is possible.

A tear streaks down my face. “I love you, Milo. I love you and as much as it’s hurting me to let you go, I know it’s the right thing.”

“Why can’t we try? Why can’t we see if we can make this work?” he asks.

I push out a heavy breath. “Because it won’t! It won’t and we’ll end up miserable and in more pain than just letting each other go now.”

He shakes his head and gets back to pacing the room. “Fuck! My brother knew he was going to ruin us by doing this.”

I wipe my eyes, trying to stop the immense anguish in my chest. I sit there, imagining how it will be never to touch him again. The fact that I won’t be able to kiss him, see his smile, or feel his warmth. Milo is like the sun, you can’t help but want to be near him.

The last few weeks have been cold. I’ll feel that from now on.

Once again, my world will go dim.





Chapter Thirty-One





Milo





How do I say goodbye to her?

I’ve asked myself this question a hundred times in the last twelve hours. Yet here I am, in the back of the car as the driver takes us to the airport.

Danielle has been quiet since our talk last night. Neither of us slept, almost as though wasting the time, not being entwined, would be stupid.