If I Only Knew(70)

We’ve stayed connected in some way all night. Either my hand on hers or hers on mine.

“Are you going to be all right?” I ask her again.

She tries to smile but there are tears pooling in her eyes. “I’ve been through this before, I’ll survive.”

I don’t know that I will.

If this was simply about a job, I would tell Callum to shove it up his arse. My mother is the variable no one could’ve predicted. Someone needs to care for her and it only makes sense that it’s me. The job just happened because of the circumstances.

I’ve tried every possible way around this and can’t come up with anything. She refuses to leave London, and therefore I have to go to her.

I take our entwined hands and bring them to my lips. “I hope you know that I love you.”

Her head rests on my arm. “I love you too. Wouldn’t it be great if that was enough? If all of this wasn’t happening and instead of going to the airport to say goodbye, it was to go on a trip?”

“Yes, it would.”

“If only love could move continents together,” Danielle says wistfully.

If only . . .

We pull into the airport parking and the tension thickens. Fucking hell, I’m not even out of the car and I want to go back.

I have to do what I can to make this easier on her, though. There’s no other option. Danielle has to sit alone on the way back, and I have no idea how she’ll be. Will she be sad and crying? Will she stay strong and break down later? Or will she hold it together the entire time?

The driver parks and I want any time I can have. “Come in with me?”

She looks at the driver and then back to me. “I don’t know.”

“Please,” I beseech her. “I want to delay this as much as possible.”

Danielle tucks her hair behind her ear and tries to hide the fact that she wiped a tear. Fuck. This is wrong. Everything about this feels wrong and I know I’m making a mistake.

Then I think about telling my Mum that I’m not coming back.

I imagine her being alone in London, no one to make sure she’s okay. If it was myself or Cal who were sick, she would never abandon us. I’ve gone over this in my head, and I know there is the selfish choice and then the right one.

I extend my hand to Danielle, asking her to take it and give me even five more minutes.

“Okay,” she says while placing her hand in mine.

I instruct the driver to wait as long as it takes and bill Callum for the extra time. We exit the car in silence and as soon as I’m close enough, I take her hand again.

Danielle stays quiet as we go through the check-in process and then find a bench before going to security.

I don’t need to say a word because anyone can see how much pain we’re both in. She lays her head on my shoulder and sniffs. “I swore I wasn’t going to cry,” she confesses.

Each one of her tears breaks me a little deeper. I shift so she sits up and I can see her blue eyes. “If you asked me to stay, I wouldn’t be strong enough to walk away. If it weren’t for my Mum, I was planning to quit my job and figure it out. For you, I would’ve given it all up.”

Her lip trembles. “I can’t ask you to do that. Not because I don’t love you enough to want it, but because you have to go where you’re needed.”

And that’s the worst part of all of this. If it was up to us, we would be in bed and not here. I’ve never seemed to get what I wanted in life. This is no different. I’m going to lay it all out there, though. I’m going to make sure that Danielle knows how I feel about her and us.

“As soon as she’s better, I’m coming for you,” I vow, “I know you think time will pass and my feelings for you will diminish, but hear this . . . they won’t. I will love you no matter how many miles are between us.”

“Don’t say this,” she pleads. “Just tell me you’ll forget about me. Tell me this was the worst idea you ever had.” Tears fall down her cheeks and I take her face in my hands. “Tell me you never loved me, please.”

I shake my head. “I won’t lie to you.”

She lets out a soft sob and I pull her to my chest. I feel her cry harder and I hate everyone and everything right now, my Mum, Callum, my entire fucking life. I find happiness only to have to walk away from it.

I rub her back and she starts to calm herself. Danielle lifts her head, wipes her face and takes a few deep breaths. “Damn it. I swear, I was going to be strong and let you walk away.”

My alarm starts, letting me know I have to go and the pain I have is amplified. “It’s time.”

She wipes her hands on her pants and then balls her fists. “Okay.”

We begin to walk toward the security area and her arms go around my middle. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

“This isn’t the end.”

Her lips form a small smile. “You’re going to be an amazing VP. I’m really proud of you.”

We stand at the entrance of the line, and I take both her hands. “I left something for Parker and Ava at the house, will you be sure they get it?”

She nods. “Of course.”

“And I left you something too.”

“Yeah?”

“My heart. It’s yours.”