If I Only Knew(67)

He’s like a deer in the headlights. Way to go Danielle.

His finger covers my lips to silence me. “I love you, Danielle.”

Now it’s my turn to be shocked. “You do?”

He smiles. “Very much so.”

“Oh.” I release a soft sigh. “I didn’t mean for that to . . . come out like that.”

Milo’s hand cups my face. “We don’t do many things like we plan, do we?”

“No, I guess we don’t.”

Milo brings his lips to mine and then I see fear flash in his eyes. “I don’t want to lose you.”

I brush my fingers across his jaw. “You won’t.”

“God, I fucking hope not.”

Milo leans forward slightly, and I open my legs to allow him in. We don’t say another word. We let our bodies do the talking.

But when we’re done, I can’t help but feel a sense of dread in my stomach, warning me something is off. I just don’t know what.





Chapter Thirty





Danielle





“That wasn’t horrible,” Ava tells us as she pops a fry into her mouth. “It wasn’t fun, but I feel like Dad would be happy.”

Milo nods. “I thought it was bloody brilliant. You and your mother were strong in all the right ways.”

Both Ava and I decided we didn’t want to talk before the judge. There was too much that we would want to say and not be able to, or we’d say things that later we might regret. Sometimes, silence is louder than a scream.

Adam McClellan took enough from me. I wasn’t going to give him my words. He was condemned by a jury of his peers, and the judge provided the justice we needed.

“I think your dad would be proud as well.”

“Do you think he feels bad?” she asks. “Like, he’ll sit in his cell and wonder how he could be such a horrible human?”

“No. I don’t think people like that feel remorse and empathy. You noticed even until the end, he didn’t think he did anything wrong. When you’re guilty, you have to stand up and own your mistakes. It’s how we should conduct ourselves in life,” I tell her. “Be sorry when you do wrong. Change starts with you, my darling daughter. You’ve made errors but look how you’ve responded.”

Ava looks at her plate, and I lift her chin to look back at me. “I was so angry after Dad died.”

“I know.”

Milo clears his throat. “My father was killed and anger was the only emotion I knew.”

Her lips part as she sucks in a gulp. “How old were you?”

“Your age,” he tells her.

“I’m so sorry.” Ava’s lip trembles.

His phone rings, he looks at the screen, and silences it. “Sorry.” Milo takes my hand, pulling it to his lap and returns his attention to Ava. “It’s not a club I wish you joined, but I want you to know that no matter what, I’ll always be a shoulder you can cry on.”

Ava tilts her head with a smile. “You know, I wasn’t sure about you, but you’re a cool dude.”

“So, we’re done with you trying to make inappropriate comments?” Milo jokes.

“Probably not. I’m turning over a new leaf, but the tree is the same.”

“Yeah, nice try,” I laugh. “You’re done. You’ve had your fun, now it’s time to stop or I’ll ground you again.”

She huffs. “You’re so lame, Mom. What’s the fun in having a hot boyfriend if I can’t make you uncomfortable?”

“Shut up and eat.”

We spend the rest of our lunch laughing and telling stories about our lives before all of this. Ava asks a ton of questions about life in London. I swear she thinks it’s still 1810 and they’re in an Austen novel.

“We have cars!” Milo chuckles.

“And they run on gas or do you crank them?”

He rolls his eyes. “I assure you we are far more civilized than you’re giving us credit for. I’m pretty sure we had most modern technology before you.”

I sit as though I’m watching a volleyball match. They just toss them back and forth and I’m pretty sure one is going to spike the ball soon.

“And do you use candles or is there electricity?”

Milo looks at me and narrows his eyes. “Are you fucking with me?”

Point one for Ava.

She shrugs. “Maybe or maybe not.”

“We live very much like you do in America. We have cars, electricity, fancy stores, and history. Do you really think the Queen doesn’t have electricity?”

Ava bursts out laughing. “Oh, you should see your face!” She does her best British accent. “Do you bloody believe this girl? Her knickers are in a twist because of electricity.”

“If we ever get married, does she come with the deal?” Milo asks.

I nearly choke on my water. “Depends how much I like her at the time.”

“She is rather annoying.”

“This is true.” I purse my lips and tap my fingers on the table.

“Mom!”

“Ava.”

She leans back with her arms crossed. “You’re so mean.”