If I Only Knew(71)

Her tears form again, and I watch her struggle to stop them from spilling over. “You have mine too.”

“I love you Danielle Bergen.”

“I love you Milo Huxley.”

I bring our lips together, pulling her tight to my chest. When we break apart, our foreheads touch and we stay like that for a heartbeat. “I have to go.”

Her hand touches my chest, right over my heart, and I wonder if she can feel the pain through our skin. “Will you let me know you’re okay?”

It’s funny she thinks I’m going to get on that plane and never speak to her again. I wasn’t kidding when I said I wasn’t letting her go. The soonest I can get back here to her, I will. Losing Danielle isn’t an option. Somehow, someday, I’ll be with her.

There’s no doubting that.

“This isn’t the end,” I tell her again. “I’ll be with you soon.”

She kisses me and then steps back. “I’ll be hoping that’s true.”

“Believe me.”

Danielle takes another step back but our hands are still connected. “You have to go.”

I nod. There are no words adequate because I refuse to say goodbye. That word is too final, painful, and a lie. I won’t let this be the ending on our story.

I don’t know how to rewrite it, but I must.

Our fingers start to slip as we move apart.

“Soon,” I say.

“Soon,” Danielle repeats.

We take another step back and then our fingers disconnect.

Now I know what heartbreak feels like.





Chapter Thirty-Two





Danielle





“Mom?” Ava’s voice is tender as she touches my back.

It’s been two hours since I got home. He’s on a plane heading to London right now. Each mile that the plane travels is a reminder that we’re never going to be together again.

I know he thinks different, and I love that he’s so adamant, but I won’t keep hope alive only to be left broken. This is hard enough. False hope will only prolong my devastation.

“I’m okay,” I tell Ava.

“No, you’re not.”

No, I’m not. I’m in pain. I miss him and don’t know when I fell this deeply in love with him, but I did.

“I will be.”

“Can I get you something?” she asks.

I must really be a hot mess if my daughter is being this nice.

“Is Parker okay?”

“Yes, he’s watching T.V. and I’m letting him have a superhero movie marathon.” She smiles.

I sit up and pull a deep breath through my nose. I need to show her how to handle heartbreak with grace, and this isn’t it. My hand touches her leg. “Thank you, sweetheart. Sometimes you just need a good cry so you can pick yourself up and move on.”

“You don’t have to be strong in front of me.”

I laugh softly. “That’s exactly what I have to be. As much as it hurts, and it will hurt more, I’ll survive. I can’t fall apart, because life is filled with disappointment. Milo and I had this . . . special time that no one can take away from us. He made me happy.” I smile thinking about him. “He gave me back the hope to love again.”

“Why did you let him go?” she asks.

It’s so complicated in some ways and in other ways it’s not. “When you truly love another person, their happiness is what you care most about. Doing what’s right for them even if it causes you pain is the sacrifice you’ll make. I loved Milo enough to know that him going to London, even though it meant I would lose him, is what he had to do.”

Ava scoots closer to me, resting her head against mine. “That’s so sad, Mom.”

“Yeah, but it’s beautiful too.”

“How did Milo sacrifice for you?”

My chest aches as a fresh wave of sadness crashes against me. “He offered to stay. He was willing to sacrifice his family, job, and life to be here. All I had to do was ask him.”

Ava wraps her arms around my middle and holds me tight. I hear her sniffle and I embrace her. “Don’t cry, Ava.”

“Who the hell wants to fall in love if this is what happens?”

I’d like to know that as well. Then I think about the times we shared. The kisses, the dates, the nights where I felt as though I was floating. I remember how he looked at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, or the way he looked at my children. All of that would’ve been lost, and that would’ve been the saddest thing.

“Look at the whole thing,” I tell her. “I would rather have had a few days of loving Milo than never knowing that warmth.”

“That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”

I chuckle and sit up. “Yeah, it is. Come on, let’s go watch superheroes and snuggle your brother.”

Ava snorts. “I already told him no Thor.”

I kiss her cheek. “Good call.”

Who knew that Milo would also have brought my daughter back to me? No, loving him was never a mistake. It was a gift. One that I’ll cherish always.





“I’m still not speaking to Callum,” Nicole tells me. “Not even when he’s trying to get me to touch him.”