If I Only Knew(40)

“And was your intention to use the gun?” she asks.

“I didn’t go there to kill him if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Then what was your motive?”

He looks at me for a moment and I swear my heart stops. I’m not sitting up front this time. I’m in the back, trying to hide behind anyone I can. However, he zeroes right in on me.

“Mr. McClellan.” She steps in front of him, breaking the eye contact. “Did you have a motive when you went to Mr. Bergen’s office?”

“I was just going to scare them a bit.”

“With a loaded gun?”

He shrugs. “Yeah.”

“And then what happened?” she pushes him.

I can’t listen to this, not without someone beside me.

I reach my hand out, wishing Milo was here to hold it.

Funny that my mind goes to him. He’s what has me so torn up inside. I shouldn’t think about him the way I do. I shouldn’t want to be around him all the damn time. I definitely shouldn’t be sitting in my husband’s trial, thinking about Milo, but I am.

My chest aches and I realize that I have to get out of here. This is wrong and I’m even more of a mess than I realized. I slide over towards the end of the bench, but when I get to the edge, Milo walks in.

His eyes find mine and he levels me with one look. He watches me as he sits beside me. “Were you leaving?” he asks in a hushed tone.

“Why are you here? How did you find me?”

Why did you magically appear when I wished you would? Is what I want to say.

He moves in close and my heart races. “I called your phone, couldn’t find you, so I opened your Find My Phone app, and figured it out.”

Now my assistant is Sherlock Holmes. Just what I need.

“Great.” My voice is laced with sarcasm.

Milo confuses me, takes my emotions and puts them in a blender and sets it on high. I don’t know whether I want to lean on him for support or run screaming.

Adam takes a few seconds, his eyes find mine again in the crowd and I could vomit. Everything inside of me feels cold and dead. He doesn’t get to look at me. He shouldn’t be allowed to sit there looking so smug.

“I walked into his office. He was sitting there . . .”

I cover my ears with my hands. This is too much. I should have known better than to stay here.

Milo glances at the stand, seeing who is there and then turns back to me. He pulls my hands down, and he speaks softly, lips brushing my ear. “There’s nothing he can say that you haven’t already pictured in your mind.”

Adam’s angry voice replaces the gentle one of Milo’s. “I asked him to call my lawyer, but he wouldn’t. I told him I wasn’t playing around, and he told me to calm down.”

I look at Milo. “Isn’t it better to live with the lie?” I whisper.

Milo takes my hand again. “Never.”

I’ve gone through a million scenarios in my mind on how Peter was killed. They played out like a movie before me. Each scene more graphic and horrendous than the last. Did he beg for his life? Was it fast? Did Peter save another lawyer by sacrificing himself?

More than anything, I want to know if Peter thought of me and the kids. Was there a moment when our faces were in his mind, and he felt our love?

I hope so.

I hope, more than anything, in his final breath he knew how much he meant to me. How his love and determination kept our family together.

Milo is right, though. I’ll never know what Peter was thinking. I’ll never get those answers, but I can get these.

“Mr. McClellan, how did the gun go off?”

I grip Milo’s hand tighter, feeling as though it’s the only thing holding me to this world right now. I feel weightless, dizzy, and unsteady. However, I can’t take my eyes off of what’s unfolding now.

“I don’t know,” he replies.

“You don’t know?”

“I was holding it, and then it . . . went off.”

The prosecutor doesn’t waste a second. “Did you fire the weapon?”

“No. Like I said, it was an accident. The gun went off on its own.”

The defense is lying. I’ve seen this done before and I pray to God it doesn’t work. If they can plant a seed of doubt that the murder was accidental, this man could walk away with a slap on the wrists. There are no witnesses to the actual shooting of the gun, just the video showing him walking in and out of the office. No one actually saw Adam kill Peter.

The prosecutor takes a slow walk in front of the jury.

“You mean to tell me that you went to the office with a loaded gun, and Mr. Bergen ends up shot, but you never meant to harm him?”

“That’s correct.”

“You had no intention of using the gun? Yet you put a full chamber of bullets in it?”

Adam drops his head. “No, I wanted to talk to my lawyer. I wasn’t even there to see Peter.”

My fingers squeeze harder and Milo does the same in return.

“With a loaded gun?”

Slowly, Adam raises his gaze, I watch as he attempts to look contrite. “Yeah, but it wasn’t supposed to be loaded. I thought it was empty.”

“So you mean to tell me that it misfired multiple times? Because he was shot multiple times—shots that took him away from his wife and children forever.”